How to end a broken heart

for the first time last night I tried to commit suicide. I was drunk and on valium, my lover who had just finished fucking me left to go home to his girlfriend. A month ago I had a boyfriend and on a saturday night would I too would have someones arms to sleep in. I was angry and felt used, nostalgia overwhelmed me so I downed 10 pain pills and the remainder of my alcohol before throwing the bottle at the wall. I picked up a glass shard and ran it down my arm. I ran outside my apartment and hysterically cried whilst I smoked a cigarette. I wanted the pain to end. I had not been sober since the break up, drunk or high, as long as I was dulling my nauseating flow of thoughts and endless stream of tears. Why did he leave me? Was I too messed up? Why doesn’t he yearn for the beauty of love. Once he loved me and vied for my love for months until I gave in. I was so hesitant because I didn’t want to get hurt, I’d never felt worthy of a real boyfriend. Another boy once break my heart without ever dating me, and now he uses me to blow off his sexual desires whilst he dates my ex-best friend. I remembered how my boyfriend would hold me and tell me how beautiful I was, we danced and sang and I had never felt so happy in my life. He was stability and home, 2 things my life had lacked. And now I’ve never felt so low, If I could feel so bad after a short relationship which never even reached a sexual base then how would I cope with the end of future relationships? I may as well kill myself now and save all that pain I thought. I slipped into bed and nodded off. Amazingly I survived, the dose of tramadol I ingested combined with the alcohol and valium was enough to induce a grand mal seizure and certainly death. I saw on my phone that I had sent frantic texts to my boyfriend and lover. One replied. I called my mum and she came over and arranged for an emergency psychiatrist appointment. Until then I sit here watching vines and masterchef because the mundane is all I can handle