Today is my last day and it seems surreal.
Today I am going to go to the family cookout and later watch the fireworks . Not sure if I will sleep tonight or just stay up. Tomorrow I will get up early and drive to where I can see the sunrise. I have some nice soft music I am going to listen to while I watch it. Then when the sun is half way over the horizon, I will end this pain.
My note:
I was going to write a nice long note or even a poem but then thought, why. Everyone knows that I loved them and nothing I could write will ease your pain. Only time will do that.
Why I did it? What it came down to for me was this…
1. Being Trans sucks!
2. Dysphoria is a *****
3. It really don’t get any better.
Love and hugs eternal,
Angel
7 comments
These are the posts that make my heart hurt the most. When suicide is a direct consequence of an illogical hate.
I don’t know what it’s like to be trans. But I feel like there are definately trans communities around the world where at least you can talk to people who will understand you and support you, and it will get better (just really slowly). I heard about this film at a festival called ‘tangerine’ about trans people in LA. It got rave reviews. 10 yrs ago that film might not have even got made… So it is getting a bit better. I hope you can find some people to talk to who understand what you’re going through, I think that will make a difference.
Thank you for your kind words. The truth is about 46% of trans people commit suicide. I have talked to other Trans people about my decision. They don’t support it but they all said that they understand it.
Hey, Angel. I’m not trans either, so I could never relate to how you are feeling. I think its ridiculous that we classify transsexualism as a mental disorder. However I have been where you are, knowing that this or that day would be my last. It’s weird. I also agree that things might never get any better for you. You also have no obligation to the people you love to stay alive, since you never asked to be born. I don’t want you to die, but I hope you find peace either way. Things could get better though, like one_day says. I have always believed in the right to choose what happens to one’s body, but I still don’t want you to die. You seem like a beautiful person who can really sympathize with others. Pain is pain though, and I assume what you are going through is unbearable. But, just as a generous favor to me, don’t go just yet.
Hey angel. I am not a transsexual, but I am a bisexual male who comes from a deeply religious household and area, and you can imagine how well that generally goes over. I am not trying to pretend that I can make full sense of your situation, because I’m not entirely aware of what it is, but I will say this; if today is going to be your last day, truly, then please make it the most beautiful day that you can. Soak every single thing in, and don’t let any of it go until the final moments.
And maybe, just maybe, you can reconsider with appreciating these things. You don’t have to, not at all, but know that regardless of who you are and the decisions you make you are certainly in my thoughts today.
I want to say thank you for the kind replies. It has been a wonderful last day and I will take your advice Mark and soak up every firework tonight. Thank you!!!!
Dear Angel,
From reading your post I understand that you have committed yourself to taking your life. I also understand that your life is difficult and confusing and obviously has been for quite a while. I know you are in desperate pain and view suicide as the only way out… But… Instead why not make use of your pain and use it to drive you toward making this horrible world we live in not so horrible… Change your dysphoria into euphoria by helping another member of the trans community… Perhaps one who feels lonely and isolated too. Teach others to be kind and compassionate. Be a role model for those suffering from the hate that society can and does teach.
Dysphoria, in my opinion, comes from failed expectations that we had for ourselves in life. So what? Expectations are illusions, but reality is to change what you can change and participate in what you can participate.
I know you did not ask to be born but maybe just maybe there is a reason for everything. I kindly ask you to take a moment and reflect on an event in your life that seemed more than just coincidence… The universe has rules and we mere mortals cannot predict them. Don’t waste your life with suicide and destroy the people around you… Use your life to make a much needed difference in the world.
You are obviously smart and good at planning, there are many charitable organizations that can benefit from your attributes… Why not let the sun set and then rise again… As you too can rise above the things you are experiencing now. Don’t donate your life to suicide… Donate your life to change.
Although it’s been a week since you posted this, and you’ve probably gone now, I just wanted to say some things.
Hopefully, wherever you’re going now, things will be better there. You won’t need to worry about shitty things like dysphoria anymore. You’ll be free to be whoever you want to be.
Goodbye.