Well, life’s a struggle for some isn’t it? As long as I can remember I’ve disliked myself, always feeling less than others, not good enough, but needing to be perfect. I’m one of those people who tried about everything to find the happiness, the peace and the love within. I’ve done Vipassana meditation retreats (15 times 10 days), years of self-inquiry, many times Ayahuasca and Iboga (powerful shamanic practices), listened to hundreds of hours to Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, Abraham Hicks and other teachers, Sedona Method, EFT, NLP, you name it.
It all helped, certainly to ease the greatest distress of the moment. Each time crawling out of the mud a little bit. But each and every time I bounce back to this place, feeling utterly worthless, less than everybody else, wanting nothing more than to put an end to my misery. It’s like my configuration, my body-mind conditioning stays intact by some sort of divine rule, no matter what I do and try to improve it. It gets the best of me each and every time. I just lack the power and wisdom to see through it and free myself from it.
So there’s three options: I keep on living like this, sitting it out which will give me the guarantee of suffering and agony for a long time to come. I really don’t want this anymore, I think I’ve had enough suffering to fill more than a few life-times. Or somehow miracles start to happen, suddenly deep wisdom and love pours in and starts undoing my conditioning. After all I’ve done (with no effect) it’s not very likely that this would happen now all of a sudden. Or, I put an end to it. I believe that this will be a very liberating experience. I can start over again in a fresh, new body in different circumstances. But hey, who knows what will really happen. I am really at the point of giving up, but I will probably be too cowardly to kill this body, even though for me at this point it would be the only sensible thing to do.
What non-sense to stay here, suffering, while this is totally senseless. I sincerely hope, and this is a confession, that I somehow find the courage and the means to end my life as soon as possible. But I won’t. I’m a coward. Even though I don’t see any point in it, I’ll probably keep on suffering a very bad, self-hating body-mind configuration until I finally have a legitimate (and legal, socially accepted) excuse to leave (as in dying from old age or a disease).
Oh, the nights when I lay myself in bed and fall asleep, praying that my heart will stop beating…
2 comments
Hey I’ve listened to many hours of Richard Bandler NLP and Abraham Hicks. She says its a thrill to croak pretty much. Then we come back with fresh circumstances when the time is right. It maybe my time in the next year or so just have to do what’s right before I go. I also meditate and have had a kundalini awakening followed by a depressing dark night of the soul followed by many ups and downs. When I get low I could probably get the guts to leave but its just the timing don’t want to leave my family in the shit. Anyways if you want to share more go ahead.
This sounds EXACTLY like me. “As long as I can remember I’ve disliked myself, always feeling less than others, not good enough, but needing to be perfect.” Yep 100%
I also was driven towards “spirituality” and I KNOW in my core this is the way “out”. I have listened tons of Echkart, read hes books, listened to Mooji and recently a lot of Rupert Spira. I also know for sure my “purpose” is to discover this and share. But still today I was about to end it until I ran into a problem with my method (as I even made post about it without knowing rules) and now out of curiosity started to read random posts here. And I also believe that I would have chickened out even If I got it to work, but atleast it gives me peace of mind to know I can exit, and this ultimately proves it’s all in the mind anyway. But I have had this relief before and thought if I can now feel at peace, I might as well live another day, but the suffering always comes back and I just want it to end for good.
Anyway I’m also very interested in numerology . So I was just curious do you know what’s your “Life Path” number? If you haven’t heard just google, only requires your date of birth. Not important I’m just curious. Mine is 11 and you sound just like 11. You might be something similar. I’m just “collecting evidence” a to strengthen my belief about these numbers. It’s also relieving as fuck when you see that everything makes sense, I mean EVERYTHING.