Hello everyone, when i first found this place, i thought it was going to give me some painless methods to end it all, and though i am scared of whats on the other side.. ( pagan but not sure). I still felt like my life was just getting to hard for me. It was not a matter of , was i too scared to face it or had lack of support. Its worse then that.
I have Borderline personality disorder, I have dissociative identity disorder, major depressive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, Obsessive compulsive disorder. Social anxiety disorder.
Thus, i am a walking mess and i know it. I have a boyfriend, whom i live with, and his best friend who is a girl, also live with. In her Grandmothers house, who is i wanna say extremely selfish and horrible to life with. I find myself hiding away until night time, when she goes to bed so i can eat, bathe , go to the bathroom etc…
My boyfriend loves me tenderly and dearly but he has such limited resources to help me. Hes a disabled Veteran and hes twice my age. i am 22, hes 45. He is still working hard to get his 100% SC disability, without it we are practically on the streets. My SSI is being taken away by a payment we have due to him having to put his truck on loan just to come get me across the usa, from a Abusive ex boyfriend . Because i asked him to help me. We ended up loving eachother very much.
I had a abusive family, who wanted me to die, sometimes i wonder if i had a insurance policy on my head or something and my parents figured if i died naturally or induced without it looking like a suicide, that they would be just fine.
My parents falsely imprisoned me in a mental ward for no good reason, just because i had tried to leave two years ago, of my own free will and sound mind.
As a result after two weeks of being stuck there without any help or support, i was slapped with the ” Bi-polar” label and sent on my merry way. I got terribly sick , and was bedridden for months. finally i left home for good. And after 8 months of living with my abusive ex, whom was not abusive in the beginning, but became that way. I moved in with my now boyfriend and best friend.
So all that said, now i will tell you my real big problem that is making me really hate my life….
We are homeless, we are without a car. My phone i cant aford to keep turned on. I dont know how much longer we will be in her Grandmothers house, but her grandmother is so mentally lost and OCD i am scared all the time from her.
Today his friend, his best girl friend…. Had eaves dropped on a conversation between my boyfriend and i. About how i feel i really need commitment in our relationship, for safety reasons, and also for my emotional reasons. And he isnt against it, but he cant right now because i will lose my SSI check and insurance, and until i get on SSDI, he cant do it.
I came out complaining about a chipped tooth to his friend, and she was cooking breakfast. She turned around and said to me directly, with no word from me about the subject… ” You know hes not exculsive right”? Cause you will never get that from him”. I was so speechless i wanted to scream at her, but the words wouldnt come out. I walked off and told my boyfriend how angry i was that she just felt she had to be apart of something that did not involve her at all.
It was completely out of line, and hurt me so much and so bad. And yes her and i have a bad past, but we were working on it,… or so i thought.
I cried very much, i hurt my wrist again today. Because i couldnt stop crying. He said they would talk and that she needed to apologize to me. Well, theyre asleep now and i am still waiting for that apology. Theres no excuse for how she is. She is in love with him, and i can not change that. He does love her, but not in a boyfriend way. just a friend way.
Shes letting her bitterness about not having him, ruin my life. Now i might end up homeless and stuck with her bitter ass. I love my boyfriend to bits, and hes a very generous and sweet kind soul of a man. But with no friends, and still waiting on therapy ( on month 2 now of waiting).
I guess i am sad, that i just can not believe she gets away with everything, and with how hurt i am, how my life is…. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore… To live like you do not even know your own identity anymore…. Its soul stripping…. Ive slept alot for days, ive barely eaten… I have kept up my fluids, but only because i hate to puke. My monthly started yesterday morning, so i am even more emotional ….
As for anyone telling me to try antidepressants, yes they work but i dont have a doctor to prescribe them to me yet. I am still waiting for a psychiatrist.
I AM all to willing for therapy and help the like…. I am not trying to deny it. They are just so slow, and i am so poor. I cant even spit without getting into deep debt.
I dont know…. Thanks for listening…