….would be better if I wasn’t alive. I know suicide has been called selfish. I know that I think of it usually weekly for over 20years. Some weeks or months are worse than others. There have only been a couple months that I felt well enough that suicide didn’t cross my mind.
I am not a perfect mother, nor wife. I try but I am not a great cook or Suzy homemaker. I work full time and school full time and so the home suffers. I wish I could do it all. My mind and body are worn out. I have thought of the ways I would do it. I have thought of ways that would maybe be less traumatic for my children or would look like an accident. I don’t want to hurt my children, that’s what has stopped me from following through. My husband is very unhappy. I think he wishes he was a bachelor. He loves his kids but hates being married. At least married to me makes him depressed. He is always remarking on my laziness, how I don’t cook, how I don’t clean, how I’m always negative, how i don’t work out, how I wear moo moo dresses around the house, how when I sit down my fat belly sticks out… When I say goodbye to him and and say I love you..he doesn’t say it back. So my husband won’t tell me he loves me anymore. My father also stopped tell me he loves me over 20 years ago. The men in my life don’t love me. It really hurts to not be loved. I feel like my children’s lives will be better if they have at least one parent that is happy. I will always be sad without the love of my husband, my only true love, and without the love of my own father. If I’m gone, my husband can be happy again… And my children can have a happy loving father again. He has told me multiple times that he loves his children and glad he has them, but hates that he got married so young and lost his 20s to marriage… And that he wants his 30s back to do whatever. I’m just not the love of his life anymore. It kills me that I love him so much and I know that he is my true love but that I no longer am his true love. I live for my children, not for myself. I try to find peace in myself and love my life…but how is this possible in a life where your closest male loved ones don’t have love for you anymore. I’m afraid that if I stay alive my husband will despise me and then he may not express his love for our girls (like my dad has done towards me) I would rather die, so my children can have their father. I can’t stay happy or positive, so I’m not a good example to my girls any way. I will miss them, not sure I will even get to see them again… Hoping I don’t truly go to hell for this.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
Trust me, you matter to your kids.
That’s really sad, to not be loved by your one and only. Marriage really doesn’t assure you that the good relationship that you once had, will always be there. It’s a two way process actually. Both of you have to work hand in hand to make the relationship work. He can’t just nag about how unhappy he is. Well based from my experience there are two things that hinder us from creating healthy relationships with others, 1) lack of motivation and 2) this, what’s happening to us and our mind, is a permanent thing. I don’t know if this is doable, you can’t just wake up one day and find all the motivation and happiness in life, but I guess it deserves a try. Observe what he is not happy about, your cooking? Your fat tummy? How about you make him your motivation to be okay again? You can try new recipes that are actually available online. You can exercise even without any equipment. You just have to have the motivation to do things. And make him your motivation, make your marriage and your children your motivation. Be the woman he once loved and caressed. Do this for him and for your children, you get to give them the parents they deserve. Your kids need you, I swear. And apart from this, tell him that you don’t really wabt to be that way. Explain that it is a permanent thing, but as your husband, he has to accept the whole you and help you get through sadness each and everyday. Because while he is unhappy with you, he’s not actually doing anything to make things better. It’s a two way process really.
Good luck.