I am a 23 year old guy and I have been diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune condition called lupus. What this means is that my immune system finally caught up with my brain and started hating itself as much as I did before I even knew what the word “lupus” meant. My body is destroying itself and if I choose to keep living, I will live every day for the rest of my life in pain with the looming threat of facing severe organ damage or becoming permanently bedridden. Having lupus means that something as innocent as spending 2 minutes in the sun could cause my immune system to go haywire and lead to months of life-threatening consequences.
It’s not just the lupus, though. I have ALWAYS been depressed; I have ALWAYS had an extremely negative and self-destructive outlook on life. I’ve wanted to die for years. I have always had extreme social anxiety. I have never had an intimate relationship with another person and never will, especially now that my body is deformed by rashes and joint damage. This was going to be the year that I started grad school, got my shit together, worked on beating my depression, got in shape, tried to find a significant other, turned my life around. But God decided I’m not good enough to be happy and I agree with him.
I hate everything, but most of all I hate myself, all I want is to be cold in the ground. I REFUSE to give my life to a chronic illness; I’ll go on my own terms, thank you very much. I have always thought the world would just be a little bit better if I weren’t in it. And now I finally have a reason to seal the deal. My life is over anyway because of lupus.
The one thing keeping me from driving 20 minutes to the nearest cliff is my parents, who would be hurt and confused if I ended my life; but why should I live the rest of my life in misery and excruciating pain just to placate them?
I’ve had suicidal thoughts for years, but for the first time in my life I find myself online researching suicide methods. I already have one lined up.
Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.Then the almost unnameable lust returns.Even then I have nothing against life.I know well the grass blades you mention,the furniture you have placed under the sun.But suicides have a special language.Like carpenters they want to know which tools.They never ask why build.. . .Balanced there, suicides sometimes meet,raging at the fruit a pumped-up moon,leaving the bread they mistook for a kiss,leaving the page of the book carelessly open,something unsaid, the phone off the hookand the love whatever it was, an infection.
3 comments
Hey man, this has to be the most heartbreaking post I’ve read on here. You fought hard to get through college, you write with an intellect I rarely see, and I can tell you’re a great person. I can’t offer you any condolence. For once I’m glad I can’t relate, as I don’t yet wish to die.
I’d love to talk to you. Let me know if you’re still around.
I’m still here, unfortunately…
I too have an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s Disease. Yes, it sucks. I wake up everyday in pain in different areas of my body, specially my joints. I apparently had it my entire life (thanks Dad), but it didn’t get really bad till I blacked out this past January and my face broke the fall on my bathroom floor. I just wanted to write you because I know how tough it is. My disease is mainly attacking my thyroid and when it’s all said and done, I will have to have my thyroid removed. But you know what…. outside of the disease there’s so much more. I have done so much research. Actually went research crazy. There are a lot of things you can do that WILL help you, but you have to be willing to be strict. The biggest is your diet. Do yourself a favor and look into the Paleo diet. Also, look into getting on the right immune supplements. You have to calm down your immune system. That is the root cause of Lupus. Dude, you can do this. I have a friend who also has Lupus and he’s body building. I have another friend who’s daughter is 13 and has Lupus and she is now on the Paleo diet and is doing much better. It just takes some time. Your immune system go all self destructive over night so it’s not going to heal itself over night either. Will you ever get rid of it, NO. However, you can control the worst of the symptoms and live a close to normal life. Please take my word for it!