This is it. I’ve finally reached the ultimate irreversible thought of suicide, and never going back to the ‘so called’ dumb shit life. It’s gonna be a slow suicide anyway, it’ll probably take about 2 weeks for me to be completely dead, without being taken to the hospital. Now the hardest part is to pretend like I’m not dying haha. I’d like to say sincere goodbye to my dumb life, and my closest one’s, who’d hurt me too much that I didn’t want to live anymore. I have no worries that I’m leaving my parents behind. They truly don’t need a worhtless child as me. I’ve also lost my job, my husband dumped me, and now my parents hating me because I don’t come out of my room, and I don’t eat. I’ve thought of all possible ways to kill myself, it’s just that I’m a fucked up coward ***** so I might fail my suicide attempt, and might be saved and end up in a psych ward. I’d like to make my death to be natural, like die due to a liver failure or something, so people will cry and mourn seeing my die each day. Especially those who didn’t know that I existed in their lives. I’m preparing myself for the worst, I may suffer a lot after this, before death. I might still end up in the hospital, or psych ward, but liver damage is irreversible and I’ll try to make my liver as damaged as a ************ so nobody would be able to save it. Even after I damage my liver, I’ll try to do more damage to my body so its easier for me to die. I’m not scared of pain, I’m used to it. Emotional pain is much more worser than physical pain.
For the husband who dumped me,
I’ve cared in all ways for you, even when you shit or vomit I was still there taking care of you, even when you required me to satisfy you all the time I did although it hurt, even when you throw away my food, and left me starve for so many hours because you were angry with me, even when you ignored me when i wanted to cuddle and kiss you, pushing me away for no reasons, even when I know you don’t love me but I poured my love with all my heart, hoping that you would change one day and appreciate me as a wife. I don’t know why but I still love you, always will, I don’t even want you to come to see me in the hospital, because I know you will be hurt seeing me suffer like that, because I want you to marry someone else, and at least be happy with her, eventhough if it’s not me, although it kills me to watch that it’s not me that you love. I love your mom and dad as well, a truth that you never wanted to know. I did all I can to keep up with our marriage, but it’s too late now.
For the friends/relatives, whoever the fuck who hurt me really deep,
I forgive all of you, though you have caused me so much pain. I’ve always been a quiet girl, kind, and caring that all of you just used me and threw me away. I believe I haven’t anyone who has a heart like me, because I’ve always been giving, and never received anything. It’s really my fault, I should have been really evil, and not kind at all. But I was born this way, ugly and stupid, so people are selfish, and this world isn’t a place for me to live in . I’ll be gone soon, I don’t wanna be here, I hate looking at humans everyday when i wake up. I just wish I don’t have to wake up the next day. i truly deserve this death, seriously.
To my parents,
I’ve got nothing to say actually, I wasn’t a good kid, I was only trying to prove that I am a good child, I want to make both of you happy, I tried really hard. I know I tried. But I failed trying. I gave up on all hopes I had before. Mom, I know you personally helped me so much, so much that it’s stopping me from dying. But I really need to go because I can’t imagine how would my future be and I have another 45 years to go. I’ve seen how 25 years was, and I am already predicting what might happen next in the future. You and dad might just be around for another 4 years, and probably join me up there, worst case is I’ll be in hell, I know that. You’ve always told me that you’re sad that I’m all alone, and my husband dumped me and I might just end up all alone when you both die. The truth is no, I’m not gonna be alone, I’m gonna die earlier and happily, cuz this world gives me nothing. I hope you understand my decision, though its hard to accept. I’m pretty sure you’re never gonna read this. I really really love both of you from the bottom of my heart. I’d never do anything to hurt you, but this time, I had to, because I have to free myself, though I may sound selfish and dumb and coward that I can’t live this life, but the reality is, If I lived any longer, the suicide thoughts would still be there, even 10 years from now, I might be here writing a suicide note, If I decide to live now. The thoughts do not disappear, and it will haunt and kill me at the end of the day. So, I took the decision to end my life because it’s got nothing to offer me. I’m sorry If i’ve hurt you, or may hurt you more after this, but its just for few more days, then I’ll be gone and i’m pretty sure you’ll be moving on though. I choose not to talk to you or dad now, because talking to both of you would distract my thoughts to suicide successfully.
Counting my days, I hope I’ll be successful. Wish my luck 😀 Sorry it’s really long!
2 comments
I won’t lecture you. I just want you to know I found your post quite moving.
2 weeks… Liver failure..
Would be really hard to pretend you’re not sick especially as it progresses.
Doesn’t sound like much fun either ways, and that’s coming from someone who is considering something similar constantly.
You’re not worthless.
Losing your job doesn’t mean you’re useless; Maybe you just didn’t fit in it.
Your husband leaving you is his fault, not yours, and his loss.
If he left you after you tried so hard for him, he’s not worth anymore of your time and effort anyway.
You tried your best for him and gave him your love and heart. If he couldn’t and didn’t appreciate it, it’s HIS fault.
I know it’s painful regardless, but it’s him who is wrong here.
Your parents don’t hate you, they are just frustrated they can’t find a way to help you.
Not eating might make you feel even worse, but i don’t see how not going out of your room is a big issue.
I don’t know if evil is what you should have been, but yes, kind quiet people are usually taken advantage of.
Being a little more careful and never fully trusting someone, even your friends, before they prove they’re worthy of it might have been more what you should do.
It’s not your fault. You’re not ugly or stupid.
The selfish people who take advantage so easily without guilt and without even giving a tiny bit back – they are the true ugly ones.
I’m sure that even though you’re saying you weren’t a good kid, you did your best and it actually made you a good kid. At the very least not a bad one.
You might be able to guess what happens in the future but you can never know for sure, especially when a lot of sources from the outside might come into your life and effect it.
You never know what might happen or who you might run into.
You’re not selfish, you’re struggling. You’re not dumb, you have tried really hard.
And you’re not a coward; these things are tough to deal with.
I’m sorry for intruding, but i could related to a few things you wrote, so i had to comment.