I’m staring at the new cut on my upper arm, and I’m numb. I’ve just finished writing a text so someone I thought I could trust, who chose a guy over my friendship, and I’m numb. I just dropped one of my courses, because I couldn’t handle a full-time course load, and I’m numb. Maybe I’ll never feel again. Or maybe tonight will be the night, and I won’t have to worry about the fact that my SSI will be there and gone on the 1st. Well, really, either way I’d never feel again. I think I’m out of tears. Pity. No one else will cry any for me. What the hell, why not? I should take my cats with me. Why on earth would I leave them to suffer the rest of humanity? They’ve done nothing to deserve that.
Gods, but I’m numb. This must be what it’s like to be neurotypical and not give a fuck about anyone else.
5 comments
Please don’t. I don’t know what to say. I used to have all this encouragement for others even when I was miserable too, but I’ve been feeling so bad that I can’t think of anything. I remember you once said you like puns and I can’t even think of one of those for you just to give you something even for a moment.
I don’t believe things are impossible for you. There is something for you somewhere, I’m sure of it. I wish I could point you in the direction and say something helpful to get you moving again.
I’m sorry that I don’t know what to say. It’s not because you aren’t worth enough. I just can’t seem to do anything lately.
Please don’t hurt yourself or your cats. Pet them and hold them instead of hurting yourself. Please. I don’t even know you but I know you matter.
Sometimes, maybe, people can’t be saved. I’m beginning to believe I’m one of them. This coming spring will mark 25 years since my initial diagnosis (clinical depression, not the BPD), and every time I think I’ve found that something, it kicks me in the face. Or I kick it in the face. Society doesn’t ask someone with terminal brain cancer to hold on. Why do we ask someone with something just as insidious inside their head to keep going? You’re a good person. You have words of encouragement still. Mine are dead inside me.
Still mostly numb, but starting to slide toward despair again. I want to not hurt anymore.
I know what you mean. It’s the same here, except I know there’s no hope for me. There’s hope for you though. I truly believe there is. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but one day you will find something that won’t destroy you and that you can’t destroy either. Something that won’t leave you numb and full of fresh cuts. Something that will breathe life back into the words inside you.
As for not wanting to hurt anyone, it’s the unfortunate part of the suicidal process – coming to terms with hurting the people you care about. I think about this a lot. There are a couple people I talk to from here and I know it will hurt them terribly when I die. I’m really glad they care so much even though I feel like I’m not worth their time. It worries me a lot that I might take them down with me, and I don’t want that to happen.
It’s a hard thing to come to terms with, and I hope that you are never so numb that you are able to be that detached from hurting people. I’m trying to think of something encouraging to say to help you let those cuts heal and in the future only be reminders of a time in your life when you saw no possibilities. I’m not sure what to say though. I just know it’s not confirmation that you are an impossible girl. I don’t believe in the impossible girl, but I believe in you.
just realized I read “anymore” as “anyone” :/
I’m sorry…I can’t do anything right.
I hope you don’t hurt more either. I hope that one day you feel better than you have ever felt. The sadness and bad feelings may never leave but hopefully they stop dominating your life
d something good comen
That last part was supposed to be “I hope something good comes your way”. I’m sorry, I am extremely tired. I haven’t been sleeping well for a long time and I’m half awake even though I’ve only been awake since late Friday afternoon.
My apologies.