I have known my husband for 5 years, married for 3.
I have come to the conclusion that one does not know loneliness until married to someone who ignores you.
Intimacy and sex are very important to me. I love cuddling, massaging, touching, and making love to my husband. My husband does not reciprocate very much. And now he also doesn’t have sex very much. My husband has depression. In the last 6 1/2 months we have had sex 4 times. 4 (that’s four) times in 6 1/2 months (little over half a year). We used to have sex everyday.
My husband also likes to make jokes at my expense (always has). He isn’t very nice to me (in general grumpy and bad tempered, blames me for about everything) says hurtful thing (like that I am stupid, a cry baby, lazy) does hurtful things (uses porn, ignores my attempts or physically pushes me away when I attempt to seduce him, says he is too tired to kiss me goodnight, LIES to me, Lies to me, Lies, Lies, LIES to me, always lying to me!) and often makes fun of me when I cry over the hurtful things he has said or does.
Our sex life took a major hit when I found out he had a porn addiction that he was hiding from me. He lied to me about who he was when I met him. I was very honest about who I was and what I wanted in a man. As far as I’m concerned a man can do and be who he wants, but if he wants to be my man I have certain criteria. If a man doesn’t fit within my criteria than we wouldn’t be a good match. Hence why I was so open about what I wanted. He lied like crazy to get with me. He tells me he did it because he knew I wouldn’t have given him a chance (And no, I wouldn’t) and that he wanted to be what I wanted, to be a better man than he was, he thought if he had me he could be a better man.
Why did I stay even after the lies started revealing themselves? The lies came out over time and because by then I loved him. And I was having sex with him. And he was the first person I’d had intercourse with. And for me sex was a commitment.
And now I am lonely, sex starved, and bitter at the age of 27.
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If he won’t agee to marriage couselling then go without him. You need to decide if this marriage is worth it. The path won’t be easy but the best things never are.
Please don’t have children unless these problems are resolved. Counseling sounds like an excellent idea.
I love your screen name. I hope you guys can work it out. You don’t deserve to have your needs ignored.
donsmith, I am glad that you are still alive. I don’t know why, maybe I’m selfish as you deserve to find your peace even in death.
You’re incredibly sweet don’t get too excited though. I plan on leaving soon.
Arrange relationship counselling, if he won’t come with you, go on your own. Be careful not to get pregnant.
Depression in men can be a terrible thing. You say he pushes you away when you want to be intimate, well that’s because he doesn’t feel good enough for you.
You say he is insulting you and pushing you away, well that’s because he believes you could never love him and he is trying to drive you away to save you.
I used to be just like him and I know exactly hows he feeling. Meditation saved me from being like that. He just needs a little confidence.
If he refuses to change then you may have to leave him. Men can be real sour about going to therapy or doctors. I have to have therapy for about a year. To talk about my feelings. It really is that simple. Talking about how you really feel is difficult for a man.
If he wont change then leave him and find a man who will treat you right. Lots of women have let me and I don’t blame them. they are all much happier now.
I have gotten better since then and I am treating my current woman right. But I know plenty of lads who are still exactly like you described. To proud to see a doctor or therapist.
Howsoonisnow ,
That’s terrible! i feel for you! i don’t believe he will ever change they never do 🙁 best get out of it and move on, you need someone that wants sex as much as you do, otherwise life will be misserable, don’t waste time on him, sex is not important to him, you need an animal!!!! eerrrooowww!
I feel bad for your situation. Being stuck in a fulfilling, non productive marriage is rough.
I would be open and honest with him about how you feel about all of this the way you have been open and honest bout it here at SP forum. Just talk to him and give him a chance to change. If he is unwilling to change to make things better for you or if he is unable to change to make things better for you I would consider a divorce. Your too young to be trapped in a marriage that is not fulfilling. You have the right to be happy and as far as I am concerned 2 people in a marriage should be committed to each others happiness. IF he doesn’t do it for you > Divorce and move on to a man that does know how to keep you happy.
I feel bad for your situation. Being stuck in a unfulfilling, non productive marriage is rough.
I would be open and honest with him about how you feel about all of this the way you have been open and honest bout it here at SP forum. Just talk to him and give him a chance to change. If he is unwilling to change to make things better for you or if he is unable to change to make things better for you I would consider a divorce. Your too young to be trapped in a marriage that is not fulfilling. You have the right to be happy and as far as I am concerned 2 people in a marriage should be committed to each others happiness. IF he doesn’t do it for you > Divorce and move on to a man that does know how to keep you happy.
I know nothing about relationships but I think you should move on. He is not the type of man you wanted. He lied about things to pretend to be what you were looking for because he knew he was not a suitable p@rtner for you.
I am so glad I read your post, it just confirms my feelings that I should just accept that I am not a suitable p@rtner and I should never deceive any woman by hiding my shortcomings and pretending I am worthwhile. I would never do that to any woman. I would never want to be tolerated, I want to be wanted.
You should never have to tolerate being with a p@rtner who deceived you and pretended to be something they obviously are not. You are still young, don’t waste any more years trying to make things work with an unsuitable P@rtner whom you would never have chosen, had you known the truth.
If it was just that he was depressed and you had problems in your sex life or intimacy in general, I would say don’t let them make you bitter or lonely… they can be resolved if you’re both willing to talk about it and change. I hope you have talked about it. Some people keep those problems to themselves and that’s the best way to grow bitterness and make them worse. You can see from his example that hiding anything is a bad idea long term.
Lying is different. Saying those things to you is different. That’s more serious. I could understand that he hid things from you because he needed you to give him a chance. It isn’t right, but hopefully it shows his love for you rather than his character defects. But that doesn’t make it okay, and it sounds like he has a serious habit of it. I think you have to know how you feel about him. If you still love him and value not just being in a relationship but being in one with him, you could give him the chance to change. But don’t let him make you miserable because he can’t/won’t change. At the same time, if you do give him a chance you’ll have to try to accept the things that he’s done so far and put them aside for a while. People CAN change. You just have to know whether you want to stay with him even if he does, and whether he’s committed and mature enough to try to do it.
Your so fucking lucky dont complain
*You’re
Be nice, please.
I mean no disrespect, but that comment seems really unfair and totally unnecessary. :/
The ‘people with [whatever] are so lucky’ comments are ignorant and unkind enough without directing them at a particular person. That crosses a line.
Fuck you **** hope you all die of cancer
Hope that made you feel better.
After much thought I don’t think you should seek couples therapy. You’ve told us you wouldn’t want him for marriage if you knew the way he really is. Well, this is the way he really is. He’s not going to turn into that prince you wanted even with therapy. At best he’s going to be a frog you can stand being around, but he’s going to still be a frog.
So call a lawyer. Get therapy for yourself. Try again.
I have trouble with sex. when a relationship is new, it is easy. once the new wears off, I don’t care. now i am married to an impotent man and we don’t care together. lol. sometimes, things can;t be fixed and you have to move on.
The last half of my 10 year marriage was no sexy time. 🙁 I wasn’t interested and she hadn’t discovered she was a lesbian. :'( She fell in love with another woman, we divorced, I rented a new girlfriend. Everyone happy. 🙂 Well, happy as allowed by state law, which is has a pretty low cutoff in this state. 😀 Regardless, I still love her, she still loves me, and our son hates us both we are very coordinated naggers. B-)
I have told him how I feel. Repeatedly. He promises he will change. He promises he has changed. But he hasn’t. And he probably won’t. If I weren’t an emotional creature I would simply leave him and start over. However I am an emotional creature capable of love. I love him despite everything. I want what’s best for him. I want to help him with his problems. I want to be there for him. I’m attached to him. I think of him as family. We have two awesome kids together. If it weren’t for our babies I would be more inclined to leave I think. Today has been terrible. He seems to be extra grouchy. I was going through a box of things and found some pictures. He saw one of us together and said “that’s when you were like in shape, when you kinda took care of yourself”. Yes I gained 10 pounds and a mommy body since then.
I’m so tired of being called stupid. Sometimes I want to just leave it all behind. But I can’t because I would never do that to my babies.
Maybe I should just pretend everything is ok. Some days he’s nice to me. He had a therapist for a while and he’s on depression medication. He has tried. He promised once he got help that everything would be ok. But it’s not. I wish I had have known how our relationship was going to unfold before we’d had kids. I just wish he would be kind.
My sister called saying she was going swimming today. I had planned to go. I told my husband I was going and invited him. He said he’d come over so he could make fun of me. Later I put on my suite to go, walked out of the bathroom. He laughed at me and made a gesture like a gorilla… I went back in the bathroom took my suite off, went to bed and logged on here.
Here I am.
That’s so horrible, Howsoonisnow. I completely understand that you love him and don’t feel you can leave. But he has to change, or you’re on your way to a very bitter relationship… you shouldn’t be unhappy and lonely just because he won’t change. Maybe getting help together would be a good option. Counselling if you can afford it, or even just trying to do things together, go to a class together, find a support group. It sounds like he really needs to understand how badly the things he says affects you. You’ve obviously thought about suicide… maybe he should know that.
Well as your screen name implies you are human and you need to be loved just like every one else does and he is a dick. In a way i think its wrong to advise someone to leave their spouse. Not that someone shouldnt leave i just dont feel we are experts on relationships. Also whose place is it to say what a relationship is truly like when your not only not in it but dont see it. There are too many mfs on this planet who (myself included) would happily beat down your door to solve your sex problem. Happily. And be happier that you do have a mom body than your old one. I really for the sake of your kids hope he stops being a dick. The fact that you want to stay is a beautiful thing. It truly is so at the end of the day i feel you should unless he absolutely does nothing. If that happens and you dont mind losers lol call me
I appreciate your posts:) My posts are definitely told purely from my perspective on things. I posted to vent mostly. Other than him I have no one I would tell about this. It’s my embarrassing secret.
I believe he does want to change. He was raised in a rotten family. His dad and grandfather are 10X worse than him. The first time I met them I was like omg no wonder he kept me away from them for so long. His mom abandoned him at 12. Left him with his cruel family. CPS got involved for awhile. He’s a wounded man. I want to take his pain away. I want to help him. I never want to abandon him. But sometimes I get tired.
You know based on your offer of sex to a woman you haven’t a clue what she looks like I can only deduce you must have a far more troublesome life than me:)
I feel better tonight even though nothing has changed lmao
Thats horrible that’s why i dont want to say leave it isn’t fair. Even if he is an incomprehensible ass you shouldn’t just leave. …yet. You should definitely let him know this is effecting you but that youre willing to work through it with him. As far as me Ive been perpetually celibate most of my 28 years so yeah my life sucks. Sex what is this sex you speak of? I’ve heard legends of it.
Lol you’re funny:)
Sex can be a beautiful thing.. I think… I can hardly remember lmao
You’re 28? That’s pretty young still. But good luck even if you do find someone. I’m not sure if I just am around sex hating women or what. But the women I’m thinking of view sex as a tool to get what they want as opposed to something enjoyable.
I guess it’s just my luck being a woman who actually enjoys sex and being married to someone who views having sex with another person as work. I said to him one day “it’s like you view sex with me as a chore” he laughed but admitted there was truth to it. I don’t ask for like hour upon hour of sex. I just want a little foreplay, a good ride/or to ride, an orgasm, and a short cuddle like once a week. And a few quicky orgasms during the week. I’d be so happy <3
I'm getting happy just thinking about it… Well until my brains like hey wait a minute… Stop dreaming! Darn reality is back.
If you live in Michigan or the midwest for that matter do you want a suicidal bf?
It would be perfect you can stay, we get our needs met and if you get tired of me it doesn’t matter because I’ll be dead soon anyway. Lol
Lol I’m not sure if you’re serious or not. But I really don’t have any interest in having sex with anyone besides my husband.
Even if I did I would divorce him before I did that. I would never cheat on him. Even if it means living sexless.
Darn brain, I keep having wet dreams involving other men (I feel guilty about this, but my brain seems to have recognized what’s going on and stopped using him as the man in my dreams). Lol I guess I can’t say he’s the ‘man of my dreams’. Lmao:) Oh gee I really do feel bad about it. I wish I could choose what I dream about.
Then I could at least have what I want there. I guess that’s why I day dream.
You’ll be dead soon? You know just as a side note/tip.. Saying you’ll be dead soon isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac. It starts up images of necrophilia. Eh scary.
He’s treating you like a punching bag. The why is immaterial. Your kids are going to grow up watching this. If they see enough of it they are going to grow up to be punching bags or someone that does the punching.
People have interventions for alcoholics. They do it because they want the alcoholic to seek help and get better. It’s a cold hard confrontation: either you do X y z to get better or we cut you out of the family. It’s so harsh because that’s the only thing that works. Understanding doesn’t help them. Love doesn’t help them. Making excuses doesn’t help them. Only when they take responsibility for their actions and embrace help do they get better.
Your husband needs an intervention. His emotional abuse is out of control. Not only is he damaging you but your kids as well. Tell him it’s time to stop or you walk out. Follow through when he refuses.
Read enough stories here and you’ll see the kind of damage unchecked family struggles inflict on children. When one of your kids starts cutting themselves when they turn 13 what will you tell them? That you thought letting them see their father treat you like trash was all for the best?
I understand you love him, but your love for him is getting in the way of loving yourself.
I was going to comment to this yesterday and i fell asleep and forgot, but after reading it all i’m happy i did fall asleep. First, i congratulate you on your patience and dedication to your husband and family, because many women wouldn’t stand for that (and no one would blame you if you didn’t). That said, if you do want to help him due to his troubled past, look for help for both of you, because you’re 27 and you say you don’t want to ever leave him… do you imagine enduring what you describe for the rest of your life? that wouldn’t be fair to you at all (and eventually your kids might get some of that too). Hopefully things will change for the better, but he does have to make an effort too.
Endure it for the rest of my life? No, please no. I can’t live like this forever. I hadn’t really thought about the fact that it might never change.
I’m starting to think therapy might be a good idea.
He is a great father. I really mean that. He works his butt of to support them. He plays with them, hugs them, comforts them, buys them things, reads to them, feeds them. He really really loves them. He is a freak about getting his sleep. If I wake him he gets mad. If one of our babies wakes him by climbing on him he will smile at them, say hi, and maybe even let them stay and sleep next to him. Which I find odd because I thought he wasn’t capable of some of those things. Because he can be so loving and nice to them I believe he is capable of being a better person.
But he feels bad about how he treats me when he lets his walls down. It’s like he lives with his walls up and with the mantra “I will hurt you before you can hurt me”. He’s said before that he is sure I will leave him and that’s why he has a hard time letting his guard down. I wish he wasn’t so scared.
Now that I think about it more I think I can see why he’s so sweet and loving to our kids and on guard and heartless with me.
He has had terrible experiences with women. Including his mom abandoning him, oh and by the way when she left she took his two younger sisters with her. If he feels like a bad person and thinks I’m going to leave he doesn’t want to be vulnerable with me.
Bottom line he doesn’t feel safe with me.
With our kids he feels safe. They love him, he loves them. He hasn’t experienced any bad anything from them.
I think I figured out another puzzle piece.
Well, if he indeed is good with your kids he can be good to you as well, the thing is, it can go both ways and he might eventually be bad with them as they grow up. Why? because you are only assuming things from an optimistic point of view as in “he can and will change, out of his own will”, and sadly things don’t always work that way.
He might be the way that he is because of things that had happened to him, his surroundings while growing up, a chemical unbalance, or a mixture of all of those. Sure, you can try to patch up the first two and it might even kinda work, but the last one can only be addressed by a professional (specially if it’s a mixture of all of those). Really, look for therapy for both of you and go from there, i can’t stress that enough, and sorry if i sound overly pessimistic, but… well, you are posting on a suicide site after all, lol.
Awwe I’ve gone from flirtatious. To hoping you guys can really work it out. He shouldn’t be letting his past ruin his beautiful present and future.