There’s always a reason

It was around 7 years ago I tried to end it all, I was a single mum and couldn’t cope anymore. I was lucky as my parents would have my daughter over night once every two weeks so I could go out. I loved to go out and drink and drink until I felt numb, I abused myself and my body I let men use me for sex. One night though I’d just had enough I couldn’t do it anymore I couldn’t live with myself for what I was doing i was drinking everyday I never ate I smoked weed aswell. People started judging me but I suppose it was my own fault I was just a big mess.  I went out one weekend my daughter was with her Nanna I knew she’d be ok I knew that that was going to be my last night. I went out I got as drunk as I could then went home went in my fridge and drank more it was more for courage for what I was going to do, I then went upstairs got in my pyjamas and counted my pills. I had 26 anti depressants and 15 codeine I took them all. After half an hour I realised what I did was a huge mistake I realised I wanted to see my daughter grow up I wanted my life back though I wanted to be happy but I also wanted to be with my granddad in heaven I wanted him to tell me everything was ok. That was when I rang nhs direct I told them what I’d done and that I was sorry I knew at that moment it was it I was going to go. The woman on the phone told me to stay on the phone with her until the ambulance got to me but I didn’t hear her I told her the front door was unlocked for the paramedics to come in then I fell asleep I lay down on my sofa and just fell asleep. The truth of the story is that I didn’t unlock the front door the paramedics had to call the police to break into my house, the lady from bus direct kept trying to ring my phone but I was asleep. The paramedics got to me eventually they got me to a and e and I was irratic, apparently I was kicking and shouting at all the doctors that was when they put me in a medical induced coma so they could treat me, they didn’t have room in the icu so they had to transport me to another hospital I died twice on the way. Then I woke up. I had needles in both my hands my arms and in my neck I also had a huge tube going down my throat I suppose that must of been the life support. Because I was on that I also had a catheter in. I remember waking up like it was yesterday I was in a dark tunnel my grandads were with me they told me not to turn around that everything was going to be ok I saw my sister calling my name bringing me back down to earth. It wasn’t my sister though it was my nurse who was looking after me then I woke up. I cried for the longest time I ever have in my life. I was aching all over my nurse told me I was kicking around I was covered in bruises from what I did to myself but I can’t remember any of it all I remember is going to sleep on my sofa and waking up in hospital 2 days later. I do believe in God and I believe he sent me back for a reason a year later I met my now husband and had another baby I believe that’s what I was sent back for to bring another life into the world. I still have my days where I wish I wasn’t here but I carry on for my girls and my husband. I just think though that my job is done now. I now suffer with chronic pain aswell as chronic depression I’m on more tablets now than I have ever been, I know that I can’t end it any minute I want to but I have to stop myself I have to stay here for my family and that’s what I keep having to tell myself. It’s hard I find it hard to put a smile on my face when really deep inside I’m dying I can’t tell my husband how I feel as much as I love him he doesn’t understand he tries but he couldn’t stop me. I don’t want to go to the doctors I don’t want to be put on the ward again so I have to pretend. I’m sorry for such a huge essay but I just felt that this is the only place I can write my story and how I feel. Thankyou for taking the time to read it. Stay happy I know it’s hard but there’s always something to live for no matter how shitty you feel.