well….fuck this!

so….depression….isn t that the worst *****? i feel that i can t and won t do it….it stole everything from me…even myself. i ve been happy, i know the feeling, i miss it like the human misses oxygen. i can t have it back….i had a break down and lost everything.nothing can change the past and we cannot rewrite history. i choose not to live in pain.  i tried for a while…some meds, some therapy….nothing worked…i just want and wanted out. this fear of fucking death, the unknown, still keeps me here…i know it won t be for long…i can t bear too much. honestly…life is a gift and is supposed to be enjoyed, but if my brain chemistry won t allow it….well…then i say….fuck it! there s no point in suffering. i might be just a selfish ***** thinking like that….but no one understands this pain i m in and wish it upon no one. oh…and god….really…?what a bad joke….are u a masochist or something?or things just randomly go wrong?or bad karma?fuck knows…i thought i was a good person….well….what  IF on the other side all is well and functional and there s no brain chemistry that s fucked up and happiness is the normal state of mind. i don t know at this point….i just want the pain to be gone, not even numb it,just to be gone…that means i have to go…so that s that. i choose not to live under constant pain, not to struggle all the time, no to battle a disease that has taken everything from me…call me a coward, a looser, a whatever….i ve had some fun but now it s all over…i might have wanted too much …pushed too hard…but i know now it s too late….fuck you depression!