I’m 15 years old and I want to die. Today (I guess yesterday now) l told my sister that I didn’t want to live anymore. I also spent most of the day sleeping because I didn’t want to be awake.
Is it bad that all of my friends are moving on and they don’t care about me? I guess my friends and me included are “popular” and I don’t want to be friends with other people? I’ve been feeling left out for a while now. But does that make me a bad person that I choose not to reach out to other people because of my reputation? I have friends but my best friends don’t give a shit about me and I wish I could tell them what I’ve been thinking about lately. I wish this pain would go away. I feel empty inside and I don’t care about a lot of people anymore but being left out hurts me emotionally. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for 2 years now but I’ve never actually done anything. In the past whenever I thought that I was going to hurt myself I would tell myself that I was being selfish and to hold on for a couple more years. I told myself I have so many people in my life who care about me and that I haven’t even lived yet. I was scared before and upset. I used to want to die to make a point to everyone and make them feel guilty that they weren’t there for me. Now, now I want to die because I don’t want to think anymore. I guess I came to this site to see if anyone could help me from feeling like there’s nothing to live for. I’m tired of thinking.
I’m tired of trying and I just want the pain to stop.
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Trust me kid. As soon as you graduate from high school, you’ll look back on all the things you didn’t do and regret every one of them. You should try to talk to people outside of your group of friends. Talking to other people is interesting. And about you feeling empty, I can honestly say that everyone has that. It’s just, some people fill the emptiness in different ways. They get hobbies, get addicted to drugs, some volunteer at soup kitchens. There will always be a hole, in every person. The people who cant distract themselves from the emptiness are the ones who fall into a black hole of despair and end up committing suicide. I know this quote is just from a show, but it’s just. It’s so true.
“The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn’t a search for meaning. It’s to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you’ll be dead.”
Good Morning Lostsouls.
God being 15 sucks doesn’t it?
True story: I wasn’t a popular kid, I was one of the freaky ones that was generally friendly with everyone but held my cards close to my chest. There was this boy, he was a football player and one of the popular crowd. He was cruel, to me to anyone not part of the popular crowd. God I hated him, his smug smile, his perfect life.
Fast forward a bunch of years, I have a degree, career and I’m fairly successful. I’m no longer that awkward angry girl who would have flipped the Pope the finger given the chance. And I find out he actually works for the same company I do through a friend. So I mention to a friend I went to high school with him and he was a pretty big deal then.
The next week my friend tells me she was talking to him and brought my name up. Do you know what he said? He said he regretted everything he did in high school, being shitty and cruel, having to be fake because he was scared to be who he really was, a compassionate kid that wanted to just tell people how he felt and never could. He also said to tell me he said his. This is before FB so I never did get in touch with him.
What this all boils down to is this: What is the worst case scenario if you reach out to someone new, someone who may be waiting for you to be a friend, someone who may need your friendship? Worst case is you lose your current friends, which seem to not be friends anyway. Best case is you avoid regretting what you failed to do in high school.
No one ever died regretting not reaching out to people and adding true companionship to their lives, they mostly regret not taking chances.
I hope this helps, it is long and wordy. It gets better, trust me it does, just keep walking forward.
High School sucks, the real world and college maybe suck too…but you get to choose who you talk to and who your friends are. You find the real you, and real friends. Push through, most of us have been there.