A Vision, and a confession

I went to the Buddhist center with my roommate and he was volunteering there and I was with a woman who is some regional leader that he’s close to and people were chanting for 2 hours. So I did the 2 hours of chanting then most everyone moved to the auditorium and even though we were just listening to people speak and not chanting, I had a vision that I’d live somewhere past 85 and I would always be alone, never marry, never have anyone, and never have sex again from this time forward. I didn’t think I’d be homeless and I don’t know how I’d ever end up being successful enough to put a roof over my head for the rest of my life, but it’s still scary and hard to take knowing I never will be with anyone. I wonder what did I do so wrong to not deserve to be loved?

Putting a cut in here, what comes next is NSFW and 18+.

So, both guys are still talking to me. It’s just, very little communication. Feels like I’m on the back burner and not really important in their lives like they are important to me. I struggled with accepting the 20 yr old kid at first because of things he has confessed to me a while back when he talked to me a lot more, about some sick shit he was put up to doing when he was younger. o_O And I was thinking like, holy crap, that’s a level of therapy I can never afford. But then he got a lot better during his time in job corps and being away from his family for the first time. But he got kicked out of job corps or being on ritalin or whatever, not sure what drugs he named, but he’s on several meds for adhd and depression and all that, a nice cocktail of drugs that he’s legally prescribed. But he was bullied by his 3 roommates and one of them tattled on him for having meds. Anyway, I had gotten more attached to him as one of the very few people to ever gain my deepest trust and admiration. sigh. Then since he’s been back home a couple of weeks or so, he’s posting online about how girls are all over him now, in his hometown and ones he met at job corps are hitting him up, seems everyone suddenly wants his dick.

And here comes the hard thing for me to talk about, though I’ve contemplated confessing it before, just would never get around to it. Here’s how it happened. I’ve spent a lot of money on the guy I like. I used to have twice as many hours as I do now, so I was making enough to where I could take him out to eat and to movies, buy him groceries and make sure he didn’t go hungry, always put money on the bus card I gave him, etc. I didn’t mind and I don’t regret it. Just saying, he said he felt bad about it all the time. So a good while back, he said his sister told him to man-whore himself out for money. He said he wouldn’t do that and I’m the only one who’d want him anyway. Then he said he needed $20 for weed and said if I gave him $20 he’d give me a jack off video. It took a while but I got two videos from him. Then another time he was talking about pay back for everything I’ve done for him and I said I’d call it even if he’d make me a clone-a-willy, and he actually agreed. Well, here’s how much we fail at science. I think you need a phd from Harvard for this shit. lol Ok, the original kit failed because the molding solidified in like 2 seconds flat. Water, stir, stick in mold. Yeah, that fast. So I bought some molding powder from a regular arts n crafts company that’s supposed to allow 3-4 min before it gels up. So, water, stir, ready to go, sudden science project volcano effect and half of the shit foams up and explodes and went all over the floor and rug in the bathroom. Seriously you’d think two reasonably intelligent adults could do this? But no. And he had asked for my assistance but I wasn’t to look at him. Somehow I managed to be a professional and do all this without looking at or catching a glimpse of his dick in real life. So with only half left in the tube, we only managed to pull off a 4in-or-so mold of the 9in he really has. I didn’t have the molding powder in the bathroom with me, since I bought it in a 1lb package I only took what was needed in a bowl. But later on, curiosity killed the cat and I poured the filler crap in the mold that we did git. He knows that much. Curiosity killed the cat again and I’ve used the damn thing. And no, I never did that before in my life. I’ve always been afraid of being made fun of for being too ugly to get laid and figured I’d never hear the end of the vicious humiliation I’d be sure to face. Anyway, I’m a Sagittarius so I’ve always been pretty easy in the past when I could get it, and a copy of half of his dick is way better than all the real dick I’ve had. And I’ve had some nice big & thick dicks that you wouldn’t believe were real. But, yeah, I’m sure that’s made my addiction to him all the more stronger, him being the one and only man on earth that does it for me. Good god.  (see fig. below)

Of course you know lately, I’ve been forced to lessen my feelings and back off since he’s getting his life back the way he wants, to being Mr. Popular and always at a party and chasing girls. And not hearing from him much. sigh.

Anyway, I’m just…. I don’t have a word for it. I’m sad, discouraged, hurt, and alone, but I accept and believe my vision is the truth. I just don’t understand why it has to be this way, and why I don’t deserve love and happiness in this life. Nichirin Buddhism is all about happiness and personally being intensely happy. But I could practice this for a lifetime to survive, basing it on that I believe this is what will get me through life and if I dedicate myself, I’ll find the way to take care of myself and not suffer a lifetime of homelessness that my current circumstances in reality dictate would be the case. But I don’t feel like I could be happy without love, sex, and the close companionship that I’ve always wanted and needed. I don’t know what it’s going to feel like living past 85 and never being with anyone or feeling loved. I don’t know why that has to be my fate. sigh.