I can’t help but want to scream when the memories of this day flash through my mind, as if they were not memories, but annoyed spirits. They fly around inside of my head, touching every aspect of my mind, looking for the slightest excuse to gain control and make my life a living hell. They seem to be a sentient thing, a personality outside, and yet within, myself. Made specifically to destroy me, and gruesomely efficient at their work. Perhaps, if they truly are sentient, they enjoy their work, and that is where their almost deadly determination and efficiency originates from.
They hurt by reminding me of the moment where I crossed a line, it was no huge gesture or act, but simply taking for granted the privileges that had been given to me. One too many cutting remarks, normally forgotten, but now hold their place of infamy in my mind, sitting upon their dark pedestal. It could be argued that I have no reason to feel the shame and pain I do upon remembering this, but the objections are futile when the thoughts take control of me. I hope against this sea of hopelessness and darkness that my apologies and attempts at solving the issue are successful. Perhaps this hope is simply naievity within myself, a traitorous part of a mind already taught to misbehave. These feelings are amplified to the recentness of the events, along with the loss of what may have once been a budding friendship.
Wars behind the eyes that stare out so passively, so seemingly innocent. These have always been there, and took place in my mind before today’s events were even a possibility. Like any war, the causes are varied and diverse, but some can be seen through the murky waters of my troubled mind; heartache, caused by one too many lost loves, rapidly decreasing self-esteem, derived from a misunderstanding and misinterpretation of the norm, and doubt from all of my past failures and misadventures. Questions nobody should have to contemplate on such a consistent basis fly through my mind more times than I care to admit, or count. “Do I feel for her, or is it simply a lie from my treacherous heart? Does it matter if I want to live, as long I am alive? Do I truly stand alone in this unforgiving world?”