I’ve been in counseling for like a month. I thought it would help more than it has, but I guess it isn’t much of a surprise that my counselor can’t just fix for me what I haven’t been able to fix for myself. My counselor hasn’t offered diagnoses and I haven’t asked. She doesn’t know all the information, quite frankly because most of it is really embarrassing, and also because if I said I was suicidal she might tell my mom or the school. I’d rather go unchecked and kill myself than let them find out and have to explain it. And how would I explain to my therapist that I usually go about two weeks between showers, just because I can’t find the motivation? That on weekends I only leave my room to go to the bathroom simply because I can’t work up the motivation to go somewhere if I don’t specifically have to be there? That when I’m not specifically expected for a meal I often don’t bother leaving my room to eat, but if there’s food in my room I compulsively overeat it?
She knows that my grades are good, and my teachers have vaguely nice things to say, and that my work gets done eventually. She knows I have friends. She seems to take my self-harm seriously but I don’t think she realizes how much I hate the way I procrastinate excessively. I leave really, really important things until the morning of, and then make up excuses or cover it up when they’re not done and finish it later in the day. I am a really, really lazy person. I have a hard time really connecting to other people. I’ve had everything I need given to me but I waste it, and I don’t think I’ve had a single problem that I didn’t cause. I honestly do not deserve to live and I’ve known it for a while.
If I did kill myself, I think it would primarily be a product of excessive laziness. It would be, at its core, my desire to avoid my own flaws.
I think the school would be embarrassed if I did kill myself, and my family, probably. I think everyone would be surprised, because I am either really good at hiding my true feelings or they just don’t care enough to have noticed. I think my mother would be the only person to really be sad, or at least sad enough not to get over it in under a month. She’s not married and I’m an only child and I’m afraid of leaving her alone, because I know she’s already lonely and I don’t want to make it worse.
Before, I thought I owed things to other people and used them as more excuses to live, but I can’t bring myself to care anymore. The only person I owe my life to is my mom, but I’ve always been selfish anyway. I am not incapable of that cruelty.
My mother aside, I cringe to think of the drama my death could create. My life here is not significant but my death would be just because it would be an abnormality. I don’t want my name or my mother’s thrown around; I don’t want newspaper articles or school announcements. In an ideal world I would die and everyone would immediately forget I had ever existed.
If I had to stick around to see whatever consequences did or didn’t happen because of my suicide, I might not even consider doing it, but if all goes well I won’t have to. For some reason I find that really freeing. I have to be very careful with my self-harm to make sure people don’t notice, I have to be careful what I do and how I act so I don’t jeopardize my future success or the way people perceive me, but if I killed myself I finally wouldn’t have to give a damn about the consequences.
I have a few particularly stressful projects due next week and, being me, have not started either of them. I’m making myself wait those out so I don’t make a decision that might change with my school stress level. All the same, I ordered some materials so I will soon be able to kill myself quickly and effectively. I have to wait for them to arrive but after that it will be my decision, I’ll be able to do it whenever I want. I’ve wanted to die for a long, long time and it will be nice to know for sure that if I decide to die, I have a foolproof way.
2 comments
Hey, i read your whole post. I could say a lot but it boils down to this: a therapist can help you to find your own answers, but won’t give you a personal “you have to do this” answer unless that’s what you need, and there’s also the fact that you can’t expect to get results if you’re not being completely honest and giving out the whole truth.
While i understand why you don’t give her the complete truth, even if you did, a month is not nearly enough to undo some of the things that you mention. FTR i was a lot like you in high school (from what you describe), even down to the same hiding in my room/overeating habits. I did good in school too so people didn’t bother that much with my attitude. The problem is when you start getting older and you’re actually forced to interact with people, and to make a living on your own. I won’t bore you with my story, but the important part is that now, even at 33, i’m still not able to shake out some of the habits i used to have, and that in itself prevents me from having a more endurable life.
I know you say it’s easier to just give up and not face the consequences, but keep in mind that it’s pretty easy to botch a suicide attempt, and then things get quite a lot worse (been there, multiple times). My advice? either find a way to be honest with your current therapist, or look for one that you can be honest with (outside of your school). You might consider talking it over with your family, as in “i need another therapist, my school one isn’t helping”, because even if it might raise some questions, that’s a lot better than the possibility of you trying to end your life and end up in an even worse place. Not that you couldn’t succeed, but death is a final solution to problems that can be, most of the times, overcome. I do wish you luck.
thanks for reading the whole thing and replying, it’s nice to know someone is similar since it seems like most people who are suicidal have really noticeable effects on their lives.
I know I should tell her the truth, but she’s never specifically asked about hygiene and general habits and I’m not even sure how I would bring it up. I told her I’m not suicidal because I don’t want her sounding the alarm on me, but I think if I told her I used to be I might get a few useful pointers.
Also it’s not that I’m uncomfortable around her personally, just that I’m uncomfortable talking about it with anyone. I guess I kind of have to if I really want to change.