I can’t keep up with this anymore. So much chaos, I feel like I can’t breathe. I bit off more than I can chew, and it’s breaking my jaw. The joints about to hang from nothing but tissue. Like a loosened door hinge. I can’t take it. I can’t keep up. I’m trying so damned hard to be the person everyone wants. Everyone needs. But I can’t. I need to try to get myself better. It may seem like these past few days have been ok, but they are not. I’m not fucking ok, o.k.?I haven’t recovered magically, this tragedy I am stuck in has only gotten worse in time. From your side of the story I seem fine. Everything is ok. But it’s not, I’m just like a gear in a clock, connecting, winding, ticking, and eventually I will just stop. I’m still giving up on myself, you don’t understand. You will never under stand. I never go over what I craved so badily to be my last day. I hid myself. I thought for a few day on what I should say. But I couldn’t, my mind was in a jumble. Like when you play a game of jenga, and the tower topples over, that’s me. Nothing has changed, beside wanting to be here, with you people. Wanting to fix all of your problems. Helping, caring, being there, and giving you something you feel as if you never had. I’m breaking like a porcelain vase, only held together with scotch tape. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but im I’m already 50 ft. below sea level. I can’t do this. I cant do this anymore.
I’m sorry SP, I need time to me. I can’t cover up anymore. I’m not even strong for myself, so why should I be a hypocrite and be strong for you. I’m here when you need me. But I’ll be on the side lines. Counting down the days when I can finally bring up the coura-
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7 comments
Thanks for being here and contributing to this space. I don’t know if you ‘need’ to be strong for us or anyone. I don’t think you can solve our problems or anyone’s problems. There’s only one person who can do that.
I’ve found that in typing out a response to someones post here on SP I realize that the comment, advice or suggestion I’m giving is more for myself than the person who posted the comment. Funny, eh? Why is that? Maybe because we’re all very similar. Our experiences, our mind, our lives aren’t so different and when I give a response here I’m addressing the darkness in myself too.
Anyway…be strong. Do what you need to do. Have faith in yourself. We’re here with you.
Hate me for this if you want but you’re very creative in describing these things I like that I’m not good with words like everyone else on SP but here I go don’t be the person people want you to be you’ll rip yourself into pieces you’ll shatter your mind trying to be perfect in such a world that is imperfect if you insist on changing yourself change yourself do it so you’re everything that YOU need not someone else and strength isn’t real we’re here to help you you don’t need to worry about being strong here
I read every word Deadinside and Randall. I’ll ponder on it. Sorry I’m shutting down.
Don’t be..sometimes we need solitude in order to regain our strength. You know what I mean?
Funny how we see good in others but fail to see a better future for ourselves and our own situations.
You are an amazing person Beaubri. You have such a good heart. SP is with you. We are all with you and we care.
I stand behind this statement I love having both of you here and hearing from you guys
As do I my ‘angry hulk punching everything in your way’ Deadinside.