It’s strange. Just some minutes ago I was feeling numb and empty and now my feelings are taking me down. I stare out of the window asking myself “Well, would those stones really kill me if I jumped with my head ahead on them?” Then my other voice decides for me: “Too risky, the chance of surviving and end up in a clinic with everyone thinking you’re mad and idiotic and eventually leaving you too is just WAY too high…” Wow. My mind sure knows how things work and what makes me feel better again. Not.
I’m in this I-hate-myself-can’t-do-anything-anymore-but-being-depressed-I-just-wanna-die mood again, if you know what I mean. I’m so pissed off by this, everything is just awful while being in this mood. My mind is annoying, I sometimes really want to live without feels, I imagine it to be so relaxing, but well, probably this is also no perfect option though… Whatever, I mean it’s not as I could change it anyway, so why do I even bother?
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I have conversations like that with myself too.
Self #1: There! You could do THIS, and then it would all be over!
Self #2: Nahhhh, it probably wouldn’t work and then I’d be even worse off than when I started.
Self #1 Well, hell, what CAN I do to end it then?
Self #2. Oh, look! Squirrels! And something shiny!
Hell yeah, this describes the situation really great, I have this conversation day after day.
Thanks for your reply
I’m exactly the same. How do you run away from your own brain?
Can’t stay, can’t go. Irritated by your own mind, itchy in your own skin. Shut up, shut up will you ever just shut. up. Please.
Keep moving, tv on, music blaring. Never go home.
It’s frustrating.
Yeah, it certainly is. I know what you mean by that, I have, as you perhaps thought already, similar problems with it.
The biggest problem, at least in my point of view, is that I found no way to get rid of those damn voices.
In public I had a really embarrassing situation because of this once, when I told those voices to shut the fuck up – sadly I said it loudly. The people stared at me as if I’d went insane, well I probably am, but still, not my best experience.
I’d really love to find a way to get them out of my head though…
Thanks for your reply by the way!