Pushing past of the past

Hi, this is my first time posting. I am up late at night because I am having trouble sleeping. The night before last I attempted to hang myself but it failed. It was more of a test run then a full blown attempt. Not finding success, in the morning, I bought charcoal and a grill to try that method. I assembled the grill, placed it in my car and that is as far as I got. In the end, I am not ready to kill myself, but all the pain and regrets of my past feel like they are killing me slowly and painfully.

I am 37 and two months ago I had a mental breakdown/mid life crisis. I was hit by the worse case of depression I have ever felt in my life, tinnitus became maddening loud (I have severe hearing loss), insomnia, plus memory and cognitive thinking problems. All of this came on so suddenly and severe without any cause for explanation that I immediately contacted my doctor. The days from the start of the breakdown and up to my doctor’s appointment I was very suicidal and researched the web for answers, which is how I first found this site. My doctor prescribed me Quetiapine to help me sleep and I have been seeing a therapist since. For two months I have been in a never ending battle to try and fight to get better and not give in to suicide.

Because of the breakdown flood gates have been opened drowning me in all my past mistakes and regrets I never dealt with in a healthy manner. I discovered I had buried all these problems with years of addiction, drugs, porn, caffeine, video games and TV being the big ones. Just before the breakdown, I quite all of my addictions because I was trying to get healthy and make big changes for a positive future. This has been a long process starting when I was 28 and the last time I used drugs, ecstasy.

Since I was 28 I made incredible progress to change my life for the better and move past the destructive behavior I had been living since I was 14. Now at 37, I feel like all my hard work has come undone. Events and regrets from my past that I thought I had moved past have come back and hit me harder than ever. So much pain and suffering from my past that I have spent months with my therapist and others talking about and dealing with. Repressed memories and feelings have come out, it is like a brigade of skeletons came marching out from the closet looking for blood.

A constant reminder of my mistakes earlier in life is significant hearing loss and loud tinnitus and memory, cognitive thinking, depersonalization caused by some combination of drug abuse and concussions from accidents. Because of these problems, I don’t see myself achieving the goals I set a few years ago. Now I lay awake thinking about events from my past that sent me down the dark rabbit hole of destructive behaior with deep regret and all the different ways they could have gone differently. As hard as I try I can’t forgive myself, accept that they happened, put them behind me and move on. At every turn something happens that reminds me of my past mistakes. Since my breakdown, I am unable to enjoy watching TV, movies, playing video games, or reading a book, all activities that use distract me from thinking about the past. I fear I may never get better and have no hope or optimism about the future. Because of this, I have been wishing I’d die in my sleep or that I have an undiagnosed terminal illness. The thought of living the rest of my life with these health and mental problems is unbearable.

I get feeling like life is so bad it isn’t worth living. I started feeling this way as a teenager. I was too chicken to commit suicide back then. Didn’t even make a failed suicide attempt. I told a few people I was thinking about suicide, but it was dismissed and fell upon deaf ears. As a teenager this was a cry for help that I never got and I didn’t know how to ask for help directly. So I started down a path of destructive behavior and life choices because I was angry and hated myself for things I had done. I felt helpless and alone for most of my life. So I told myself I’d die before I was 30 and started a life of drug abuse, street racing, rock climbing without safety gear, anything that had a chance of death. I never thought about the long term consequences of these actions because I never considered I’d have a future. I also never worried about having a college education, career, relationship, family, all things I now want but can’t see myself achieving because of the damage I did to myself.

I lay here typing this trying to find a way to accept my past mistakes. I’m seeing doctors in hopes there is something that can alleviate or reduce my pain and suffering. The future seems impossible for me to face. I wanted to end my life so many times growing up. I only now realized how hard that is to do and that there is a part of me that wants to fight to live. A tiny little fleck of light floats in front of me, hoping that it isn’t to late for me to get past all the years of pain and live a happy loving life, three words that haven’t existed in my world for twenty five years.

Thank you for reading the synopsis of my life. I’m standing on the edge, split between life or death, looking for a sign. This is a terrible and torturous way to live. People in my life keep telling to hold on, that healing and answers take time. I’m trying to keep going, living one day at a time. All I’m looking for is support and friendship. I appreciate the opportunity to get this out, also to join and share with this community.