I have always had depression; never fully diagnosed, but you know, when you have something like depression it lingers and consumes you, eventually. Ive recently gone through what is the most traumatic experience of my life, last week my partner passed away, age 28.
Since his passing, I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly, I wake up with stiffness and pain all over my body and I have lost so much weight because I cant stomach anything. I have anxiety attacks when I think about the funeral and even just walking on the street or waking up seems to put me in a panic or depressive state. We didn’t have any children, he was planning to propose to me in May.
I feel like my entire future has been taken from me. I have been in and out of horrible relationships in the past; abusive (mentally and physically), cheating and neglectful men. My partner is/was the one, I had finally found him, he was my everything and still is and now he is gone. I can’t deal with it.
The day of his passing I tried to kill myself, I overdosed on Ibuprofen, my sister and my mother found me, and well, I’m still here. I was able to convince the psychiatry team at the hospital that it was out of impulse, so that I could leave, but truly I wanted to be with him and I still do.
The reason I am writing here is because I have no one to talk to. If I even mention suicidal thoughts to my mum, she said that she would admit me into the psych ward, and my sisters can’t be trusted. I feel so alone, all I think about is being with him, and all I think about is death.
The last two days, on 2 occasions, I have held a knife to my chest, trying to find the strength to just do it, my survival instincts always kick in and I breakdown. I feel like I am failing him, I should be with him, theres nothing left for me here. I am stuck in a dead end job, I have too much debt and hardly any friends; the most precious thing I have now is my cat who is old and will die in at least a year or two. My family have their own issues and they have already forgotten about him as has everyone else around me, I am so alone, I miss him and I just want to be with him.
I want to try again, I’ve figured out that I am not even scared of dying, I am scared more of surviving. This is the first time in my life that I have ever felt this depressed and suicidal, it is ongoing and it doesn’t end. I know a lot of people will say that I am grieving and that I will eventually get better. Those people don’t know me, those people did not see how much love we had for each other.
I guess I’m just hoping someone will read this. I don’t know what I am hoping to achieve, I just want someone to listen. I feel so alone in this world.
7 comments
I just read your post lilxtina, start to finish. I’m sorry for what you just experienced and for the pain that will linger. I can’t imagine losing “the one.” Like you, I have a cat, but that’s it, so a connection to a human like you had is foreign to me. This must be miserable for you. For what it might be worth, this site may provide you some comfort, at least it’s a place to vent without censoring yourself. I won’t waste your time with “hang in there, the sun will rise on a new and glorious day”, that stuff makes me want to groan. Come to SP and post. Talk, yell, rage to us. We’ll listen.
Thank you Chip, his love was like nothing I had ever experienced, so pure and honest, he truly loved me with all his heart and then life decided to take him away from me. Before logging in to see your comments, I tried to sing him a song (i’m a singer) but I started to get anxiety and I had to stop, then the suicidal thoughts started again. The things I loved are no longer joyful and I feel like ill never get better. I am relieved though, that I can talk here and share my thoughts, bad or good. That gives me comfort.
Well your grief is very new. Especially if you weren’t expecting his death that is extra hard to deal with. I think it’s normal to feel what you are feeling right now and I don’t blame you for feeling like your future was robbed. I would feel exactly the same. While you go through the process think what your loved one would want you to do, you’re young and he was robbed of a future too, maybe he wouldn’t want you to throw your life away, but live for him., do the things you wanted to do together things like that. In honor of him. It’s hard not to have their physical presence. It’s tough to deal with especially when the pain is still so fresh. Please give yourself time to heal and then make your decision then when you have a clearer head.
Thats really good advice, he was robbed of his future too, but I know the afterlife is most likely better than this life. I fear he will forget me, or he will decide to move on. Its hard to keep going with an open heart and mind when I don’t know if he will wait for me. I know time does not exist in the afterlife, I want to stay dedicated to him. My mind is all over the place.
. . . here is a site of wandering, lost minds and souls. And wonderful minds and souls. Here’s to a moment or two of tranquility for you today.
You don’t need to have everything figured out right now…. and no one expects that. I believe you will be reunited when the time is appropriate to be. I also believe he may try to communicate with you from time to time. The dead will do that, I know it sounds crazy, but they do. He may try to send you signs that he’s ok, that you don’t have to worry. They may be blatantly obvious or something you can easily miss. Your dream was probably your subconscious trying to process what’s going on with you and your feelings. They are never really gone from you and sometimes they will lead you to someone else because they want you to move on, and may give signs it’s ok to as well…. but that comes a little later mostly. The spiritual world is amazing.
I feel for you. i hardly know what to say. I too have been depressed most of my life. But never have I lost the love of my life. That seems so so painful. i can’t imagine. Yes the survival instinct is strong. Whether a curse or a blessing I can’t say but it is strong. Your world must be just so tore up right now…