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The Stars are Too Bright Not to be Seen

by every_nightfall

A few days ago, a classmate noticed the cuts on my wrist.

Today, a friend of mine saw the cuts too.

I told them it was nothing, that I only got them for being mean to cats (Don’t get me wrong, I love cats.). I know what I said was such an awful thing to say especially when even you can see the truth beyond your own lie. It’s just that I couldn’t quite think of anything to use as an alibi anymore.

I’m afraid sooner, more people would start to notice the slashes on my wrist and think I’m a weirdo, or worse they might think I’m someone trying to get the crowd’s attention. What I’m even more afraid of is if my parents ever find out about it.

Cutting makes the pain easier but if it will only lead to more of them, shall I stop?

I should. I know more than anything that I should stop. But even so, I know I can’t. It’s like oxygen. Essential. Refreshing. Life-sustaining. Addicting.

Now, I do not know what else to do.

I couldn’t blame the cuts on my wrist for being so noticeable.

I couldn’t blame my friends if they ever find out about the cuts someday and overreact.

I couldn’t blame anyone else for being the reason why I cut.

I could only blame myself.

What shall I do to hide the wounds?

What shall I do to keep people from knowing how vulnerable I am?

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4 comments

Justnoonemuch 3/9/2017 - 12:22 pm

It is good to stop. Clean for three years. But it is addicting. The longer you go without doing it you’ll feel more and more self pride as you progress. But it is hard and there are plenty of bad days out there to make you stare at your blade. Try venting here instead of cutting. And when that need hits you just wait and keep waiting and keep waiting until the feeling is gone. If it’s at night, turn off all electronics, and try going to bed.

every_nightfall 3/11/2017 - 11:13 pm

Wow. I should say I can’t imagine not doing it for three years, but reality is I can. I suffered depression for years and it was only a few weeks ago that I really started cutting myself. Now that I started the addiction, I couldn’t find my way through it. Even when I wanted to. Does it feel bad? To cut yourself from the thing that stops you (even temporarily) from what hurts you?

idontevenknow2 3/9/2017 - 4:12 pm

I can so relate to everything you just said. Cutting is really something that makes everything go away, at least for a little while, and I love to hold on to that feeling. Although cutting is really something you and I, and every other human being who does it, shouldn’t do… but, it helps for a moment and it feels so good. So freaking good.
I am trying to always hide my scars. Always taking a lot of foundation that I try to blend in, long sleeves and jackets. I am so scared that someone will notice them. That someone will ask me questions. And that someone might think I am doing it for attention and because ”I feel sorry for myself”. But I’m not. I’m really not. And I hate it. I hate that that is usually the first thought people have when you tell about your self harm scars to them. It’s awful. It’s horrible.
Many hugs to you <3 I am going through the same shit, and it sucks

every_nightfall 3/11/2017 - 11:24 pm

People who judge someone for the scars they don’t know what the story behind is are the most horrible ones to have ever lived. I can relate to you so much. We are swallowed by the fear of being called names for having lived such an awful life. If only I could turn back the time that I first started to cut myself, I would and I would also try to stop before the blade makes the first cut. But that also means going back to that horrifying pain that made me cut my wrist in the first place. 🙁
Sending more hugs to you! Let’s go through this mess together and find our beautiful escapes. I hope you’re having a wonderful day today. If not, grab the fluffiest pillow nearest to you and give it the best hug you could ever imagine. xx

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