Well I don’tknow what to say or where to start, but I guess just letting it all out is a start, so here it goes. I’m a 22 year old female and at the age of 22 I never knew I would of felt the amount of pain as I have this past few years. Past few weeks all I been thinking about is sucide, why should I go on? I can barley handle the pain because of this depression its like a disease that will never go away from the feel of it. I been thinking of different ways to do it overdosing, jumping off something, getting hit by a car and so on because its become so difficult for me to live. I started college this year and fell in love with my program but due to a unexpected surgery and depression on top of it I had to drop out..I honestly felt even more so hopeless and lost so I just threw myself into work trying to run away from the problems. That only made it worse…by throwing myself into work I allowed myself to open up to people I never should have thinking they were my “friends” now I’m the talk of work constanly being made fun of behind my back, things being said that I’m too pushy, I’m boring, all I talk about is guys, and etc. I guess at the end of the day I’m just lonely and want someone to just fill that void because my biggest fear in life is to be alone and having to deal with that on a daily basis is killing me inside. I’m just overly awkward and have a hard time making conversation with people and on top of it just overly friendly when I honestly dont mean to be. I want to change I don’t want to care so much anymore, or be so friendly but that means changinging everything about myself but maybe its worth it?
I know my mom sees somethings wrong with me but I can’t talk to her about it shes going through her own depression for her to know what I’m going through will just kill her inside because I’m her rock…I’m suppose to be the strong one the one that is always smiling and is happy but lately that hasn’t been me. I can’t take my parents aruging and hearing my mother say she wants to see my father drop dead that she wouldn’t care…hearing that just broke my heart. I know I shouldn’t worry about my parents but at the same time its family and family means everything to me depsite what may happen over the next while. During times like this I wish I had a friend to talk to someone I felt 100 percent comfortable with, well I kinda do but at this point they’re too busy with there own lives to even help me out. I have to get through this on my own but I don’t know if I can, if I were to die tonight just fall asleep and never wake up I think I be more then happy with that idea because it means I wouldnt have to go through another day of pain, another day of having anxiety attacks, of feeling horrible physically and mentally just finally at peace. I don’t understand why I’m going through this..I’m a good person I care about others and help out a friend in need in every way possible even strangers I try to help but despite all this I’m where I am now. Feeling depressed, hopeless, confused, lost and over all the feeling of wanting to die hasn’t left me in a few weeks. I don’t know what to do anymore…its just getting worse and worse at this point I don’t know how much longer I can last for.
8 comments
Eh, sorry that I don’t have the emotional energy to respond to all your points, but anyone who identifies themselves as an adult is someone I’m going to want to briefly connect with. I feel isolated sometimes on this site by a lot of the younger folks; it’s not their fault and I’m not angry, I just feel like we don’t have a lot in common.
I just wanted to say I know how hard it is to not have a significant other. Being single is tough at any age, but as you get older it just starts to weigh on you like this heavy ball and chain. You drag it along everywhere you go and every night you go home alone it just makes you more and more exhausted. It starts to ache and fester, and the world just begins to lose its color. To see friends happy and married with their whole lives totally planned out just makes the planet feel so small. Friends are great, but they just can’t fill that specific hole.
There’s two things in life that I still value: death and love. I have to pursue one or the other since they are mutually exclusive, but I found both extremely difficult to obtain. I know I’m not being fair to myself on the love front because I actually have a ton of amazing qualities and would be an absolute STEAL for a lot of girls, but the reality is without a job, simply no one will give me a shot.
I happen to be affluent enough to never have to work again (I’m 27 but I came from privilege), but how do I even explain that to someone? I don’t want to work because I’m depressed, I’m depressed because I can’t find love, and I can’t find love because I won’t work. It’s just this asinine cycle that repeats itself over and over. It’s not that women don’t seem interested in me, they do, but I know once they know I’m unemployed that they’ll just say “lol what?”. It’s not that I WON’T work ever again, but right now I have absolutely nothing to live for, so I don’t.
Life is pointless but love would at least make it bearable. However, without it I may as well just be dead. Death didn’t work out either though. I’ve tried to pull that off – survived it. I’ve tried to pay stupid amounts of money for a firearm – no one will sell me one. I’ve tried to get a hold of lethal medications – I just get scammed. I’ve already thrown well over $6,000 at this futile endeavor. Why the hell is a peaceful and swift death so hard to acquire? I feel like people die left and right without even trying, but here I am, dedicated to the cause, and I can’t pull it off? It’s silly. Totally and utterly silly.
Ugh. I’m sorry that you have loneliness eating you alive as well.
The way I see it Letmesleep, is maybe its not your time to go. I mean if you tried different things but there was always something stopping you maybe its just not your time. Mind you I’m thinking of a scene from the movie Final Destination when one of guys tried to shoot himself but the gun although loaded woudn’t shoot. As much as I’m lonely right now I still have that last bit of hope that it will get better hecause it has before but at the same time I never have been as depressed as I am right now.
Hi Luck Hope! No, I disagree with you. Do not let your condescending co-workers affect who you are as a person. You sound like a very sweet person. I get the depression genw from my mother as well. My father has always been someone who seems so uncaring towards her condition, a very hard person at times, but I love him and I care about both of them deeply, as I can see you do. Although I don’t share all the similar aspects of what you are going through, I too was going to school and doing very well, earned my associate degree in the Fall of 2011, but thats when things got very bad. I wanted to go further in school, but quit and tried to toss myself into work to avoid the pain of a bad break from my wife. Working extra hard doesn’t help depression. Take some time off if you can, it is good to change up the scenery, maybe quit your job once you find a comparable one. I tried that, left and worked somewhere else this past summer, but found I couldn’t stay there and came back to work where I was before. I am trying to learn to be this independent person, while trying to find someone to complete me as well. I don’t know what your specific experience is like, but for me it is not easy. I was a husband for seven years (and I’m only 26). I feel so odd as this adult tied to no one especially because I have few friends and was never a social butterfly either. I don’t even know where to begin or who or what kind of person I am looking for. I miss so much what I had before, being committed to someone, for what I thought would be forever, and so many people my age just are not looking for that. They are so happy being these independent people, serial dating, mingling, etc. It is so foreign to me. Maybe you feel the same way? I wish someone would just take me aside and say hey, this is what you want to do, but everyone’s advice seems to be so wishy washy, so painfully individual to their persoective. I too have felt the inkling that maybe I am just not cut out for all of this, but then I think, there must be others like me who have experienced what I have, felt what I have, seen what I have, and succeeded. That is what keeps me going. The hope that I might find the happiness that is waiting for me.
I’m sorry to hear about that J, sounds like your going through a similiar situation that I’m in right now. I work 2 jobs right now the first one I mentioned is the one that drags me down so bad but the second one well I never felt so happy going to work as much as I do when I go to my second one. Probably because it’s in my career path, I have a goal of becoming a teacher and my second job I get to teach little kids drawing lessons and soon art lessons. I try to get all my positive energy from them because they’re honestly the type of friends I wish I had, I remember being a kid and anything “outside of normal” you were made fun of. Kids now a days they almost promote it or in their case don’t care what people think and its honestly something entirely amazing. I guess thats what keeps me going and is the one thing thats making me happy right now that might jsut be what you need is to find something that makes you happy.
I was reading a book a teacher told me to read once and it brought up a good point..Why be afraid to be alone? the points it brought up were like you read books alone, you shower alone, you sleep alone, you do your job alone theres just so much you do alone why be so afraid of it? I never thought about it that way until I read that book.
As someone who tried to initially make friends with people at work, I realized you know what – it’s more trouble than it is worth. Work is not a place for friendships, but professionalism, and a lot of times people cannot mix the two quite right. Your reputation is not ruined there either. You will have a few weeks maybe of awkward loneliness, but you acknowledge that the situation is different and these people are no longer your friends. If they are not your friends guess what? They have no power over you anymore. Work hard everyday and show your managers quality.
You’re seen as the strong one because you are, but you’re also human. You’re suffering the burden, the crash of all this weight that’s inside of you. Yes it’s going to take a while to heal, but your dreams are not over because of this surgery. You found something you fell in love with. Even if you cannot take college courses in that right now you can still engross yourself in anything related to it. That’s all you need to get you by, for now, is to be involved with this thing you love. Once you get into that you’ll find your man.
Take care.
Letmesleep–yes.
Letmesleep–do you mind a brief email communication?
@Luck.Hope. Thanks for engaging me on that. That was sort of a moment of weakness for me and I felt a little pitiful later that night for even mentioning some of those things. Thanks for taking it in stride. The last couple days have been unusually bad, and I sort of lost control.
I hope things get better for you.
@NothingAmI: Sure, feel free to shoot me one.