I hate this.

I hate feeling like this every day.  I hate never wanting to get out of bed.  I hate knowing that things will never get better no matter how hard I try.  I hate knowing that I was doomed from the start to end up like this. I hate how other girls  whine and complain about how terrible their lives are, and yet they have boyfriends.  Like, seriously, SHUT UP. At least SOMEONE cares.  At least you have enough luck that guys are willing to be seen in public with you and you still have the hope of a happy ending. I have no hope. I have no one.  I only have guys that are interested in me for my body, and even then they really aren’t THAT interested.  They want my number and pictures etc. but the second I try to have a real conversation or imply going on a date or having to be seen with me in public, they come up with a million and one excuses why they can’t.  It’s tiring.  I’ll always be alone.  I almost wouldn’t mind it if it weren’t for the fact that society acts like any female who can’t get a boyfriend is completely worthless.  They are probably right.  I see nasty, unappealing girls with bad personalities who always have boyfriends all the time so obviously I must be the most worthless unappealing creature in the world to not even be able to attract ONE guy. I mean, I attract them.  I purposely go to the store in sweats, glasses, and no makeup because I hate being harassed and followed.  However, I can never get any decent guys that want to be my boyfriend, or even take me on more than one date.  I am reminded of this every day and it just makes me more and more depressed.

My love life is pretty bad, but the rest of my life sucks too.  My dad makes a pretty decent amount of money, but he is extremely selfish, negative, and controlling.  It drives me absolutely nuts.  I can’t find a job because I’m not pretty enough and I don’t have a full degree yet or experience so I’m stuck living in this prison of a house with him.  My mom is over a thousand miles away and she is the only person that kind of cares.  She always complains about me though so even though I know she will be sad when I kill myself, I know that it will ultimately be for the better.  I have NO friends and no one takes me seriously. Everyone assumes I’m dumber than a box of rocks as most people can’t wrap their heads around the idea that a n***** can actually be smart.  I’m tired of living in a would where if you are a female, the only thing that matters is if you look a certain way. If you are born without the “right look” you are screwed for life no matter how decent or smart of a person you may be.  I looked up information on assisted suicide, but of course you can only receive that if you have “a disease which will lead to death (terminal illness), and/or an unendurable incapacitating disability, and/or, unbearable and uncontrollable pain.”  Isn’t being ugly a “terminal illness or uncontrollable pain”?  What about being a n*****? if you asked most people honestly, they would say that being a n****** is pretty close to having a terminal illness or disability as you will never have most people’s respect.  Even when I looked into studying abroad as a way of escape, every country I looked up seemed to have issues with blacks so now I feel like there is no escape from this pain except death.  Sometimes I want to fight and become an amazing person just to prove all of the naysayers and racists wrong, but I hate failing, and something tells me that a non-mixed black female trying to make a positive impact in the world is an absolute recipe for failure. It’s not worth it and I’m tired of feeling like absolute sh*t every hour of every day.  Sorry this turned out long, and thank you to anyone that read this.