I’m…I don’t know what I am. Depressed? Bipolar? According to a medical diagnosis, probably not. I’ve read stories on here that speak of not being able to even get up in the morning, who can’t find the will to do anything. I, however, get up, I go to school, put on a smile, talk to people, act normal. Inside, I’m a complete mess. School is like my own personal hell. I really don’t have friends. I’m so alone and yet surrounded by people. I hate life. I want to die. God, how I just want to end this torture. There are some days I actually think I’m feeling better, that life isn’t so bad, but then it spirals out of control all over again. I don’t think I’m good enough for anything. I am a let down to everyone around me. My family thinks I am a ***** and they view me as a failure. My so-called “friends” have nothing to say when I tell them I want to die, when I can’t find one good thing about myself. I try talking to people about being depressed, being hopeless, and about my mood swings (I haven’t mentioned those yet, have I?) but either they don’t care or don’t believe me. I’ve literally gotten “Shut up, you’re normal”. I have self-harmed and still do. What else can I do? I hate myself. I hate what I see in the mirror. I’m ugly, fat, and stupid. My grades are continually dropping, I will soon have a 70 average. I have tried being anorexic, and I succeeded until my doctor realized I wasn’t eating. Food repulses me, but I eat anyway.Lately, I’ve been eating more and more and I HATE it. I’m also socially awkward. I’m literally scared of people. I am uncomfortable speaking to people unless they speak to me first or I know they’re nice. I am deemed stupid at my school because I am silent when teachers call on me. You wouldn’t be able to tell this about me when you meet me because I try my hardest to be normal, and I swallow my fear and try to be friendly. Honestly, there are so many people who have worse stories, who’ve been through so much, but I’m not one of them. You could look at my life and see nothing wrong with it. But my head is a mess of insecurities, paranoia, fear and a whole load of other crap. My life is worth nothing, it is meaningless. No one would miss me if I died, but I can’t find the courage to do it. I want to go away. I can’t do this anymore. I just want to stay in bed and cry.
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omg. i…..this is me. Im the exact same, you just typed it way better than i ever could. i try so hard to be happy, and act as if everything is normal but its not. i have the lowest self esteem, and mostly everything you said basically. i know how you feel, i feel like this everyday, your not alone at all.
I feel your agony in so many ways. I’ve had plenty of nights lying in bed, feeling so trapped in my own head with the feeling that death is the only way out. My brain is my own worst enemy. Sometimes I really want to cry, but I can’t do it. Yet during the day I still put on the act that things are fine and people treat me like I’m normal.
It helps having someone to talk to. I started seeing a therapist which has been very useful. It also helps to just write your thoughts down. Just write for like 15 min a day helps sort out a lot of the madness. There are so many people like us, as odd as it sounds, feeling this way is more normal than you might think. Just like we act normal while feeling miserable, so do others.
Most importantly, I urge you to be willing to believe that the suffering could eventually pass. Your life is not meaningless. If you’re willing to put on a smile and be friendly to people despite your pain, you must be a good person and that is valuable to the world. Being super uncomfortable around people is frustrating, but it’s also very normal. I don’t know how old you are, but I’m now 29 years old, and am still so uncomfortable around others that I’ve not yet had a girlfriend. Try to be strong. Try to find the courage to fight no matter what. And don’t believe your negative thoughts, they aren’t facts, no matter how much they may feel true.
You’re judging your experience. Go with the flow of it and think well of yourself along the way. That’s life…when you understand the rules of life a bit better you’ll expect certain things and they won’t bowl you over. My life is what it is…I employ all my mental faculties to being positive and I practice. It’s a practice that only you can choose to do. When you make the choice to captain your ship and not allow your mind to go into wonder mode when things go a bit off you’ll feel more settled, grounded and you’ll enjoy your ride. Expect good things (be reasonable), focus positively…you can only get it right. It’s a sure fire approach. Take care.
Thank you. You made me realize I’m not alone. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. I thought I was all alone in this.. Thank you all<3333
@zeroconnection I'm only 14, but we've been through the same things it seems. I also write down what I feel, but its not enough sometimes. I can't tell anyone what I'm going through so I can get a therapist. I've tried but literally no one believes me or cares. Even my guidance counselor. Thank you for believing that I can actually beat this and that I'm a good person…
@softsoul I will try my hardest to overcome this and stay positive. Thank you for helping me see I can take control of my life
@artlexnapolean The fact that there is someone going through the exact same thing as me is comforting. Is there anything you do that makes you feel better?
My email is sreannas@aol.com if anyone needs to talk
Hey, your story is the first I found. How are you doing? It’s been months since this post.. How are you? After reading what you said.. I just wanted to hug you. Smile, cry, and hug you. Is that bad? To rejoice in such despair? I feel it’s more like unity than that. A connection to something besides the walls surrounding me. Unity. *hug*
ill be your friend.
boxbank2@yahoo.com
yes there is not a lot to believe in. theres a little though. < )
and doing those things can lead to happiness mainstream nonsense cant provide.
ring me so I know you saw this/are interested