SoVeryTired

I had a cylinder of ******** delivered to my house today. A regulator and some other bits and pieces should arrive next week

And suddenly I feel really scared. I saw my psychiatrist last week, and he increased two of my antidepressants, which at least during the day makes me feel a bit better. That’s good, but I hate how I seem to depend on all those tablets, and I seem to be developing tolerance every few months, and then I need to take even more.

I am taking at the moment a ridiculous 15 tablets a day, 6 different ones, and then 2 more as needed. […]

I’m back at the bottom. I won’t pick myself up this time. It’s pointless. I tried hanging before, but I just can’t do it. So I’m going back to a previous plan of mine that will take a bit more time and planning.

I started the process today, and it will be finished within the next few weeks. I’m quite calm now, I have decided, but I’m also sad because of the things I will never experience. I won’t see my son get married, I will never hold a grandchild of mine. I will leave behind the only man who ever loved me in a genuine […]

A lovely friend from my church went to the movies with me this morning, to cheer me up, and try not let me spend too much time on my own.
It was a good movie, funny and heart warming. But I discovered that I’m back at that stage where I cannot even laugh anymore. My brain registered the funny bits, but I didn’t laugh. Instead I sat there silently crying, because I couldn’t really enjoy something that should have been very enjoyable. After that I’ve just been wasting the whole day feelin miserable.

A little bit of relief after I changed medication, I thought the higher dose of Dexamphetamine was helping.

Well, not last night, not this morning. I force myself to stay alive but I’m not coping. And there is not a shred of desire left to live. Just venting…

I just saw my psychologist, and eventually told her how close I had come on Saturday night. That I had sat on the bannister in my house, with the noose around my neck. As expected she immediately exclaimed that I need to go to hospital. I emphatically said no, that I didn’t believe it would help. I managed to convince her that I’ll be safe until Wednesday when I see my psychiatrist.

It’s really only because she knows me so well, and there is extraordinary trust between us that she didn’t force me to go into hospital. She said with any other patient she would have insisted. […]

As I posted a bit earlier, my depression has come back with a vengeance. Next Monday I will (would ?) see my psychologist; she’s very good and can read me like a book. If I see her, I already know what will happen. She will move heaven and earth to arrange weekly emergency appointments with me, each session will be intensely about keeping me alive, I’ll have to make promises (and I find it impossible to lie to her), she’ll get in touch with my psychiatrist.

I feel, unless I pull myself up before it’s to late, I’m beyond help (see my last post). So I […]

I haven’t been here for a while. I have suffered from severe depression most of my life. I had a major episode a few months ago, spent (again) 7 weeks in hospital. I was about one week away from ending it (I was just waiting for Christmas to pass, so as to not spoil it forever for my sons). I had given up hope as none of the treatment I was given helped af all. Then my psychiatrist tried one more medication and it helped, instantly. A week later I was home and doing really well.

I knew however how close I […]

I’ve been in a psych hospital now for 7 weeks, and 10 days ago I was still absolutely convinced that I would kill myself. I had not improved at all, and ECT, which is pretty much the treatment of last resort if nothing else has worked, had not helped at all. I had given up all hope and was just waiting for the Christmas period to pass before pulling the pin. Then my psychiatrist added Dexamphetamine to my meds, and from day one I was 100% better. All the depression symptoms gone instantly!!! I still felt fragile initially, and still need a bit more time […]