SoVeryTired

This morning I got a phone call, and a good friend of mine has died overnight…he was only 25, and he was very ill with Krohn’s disease, but nonetheless nobody expected him to die so suddenly.

My first instinctive reaction though was not grief but envy, and then just despair at the injustice of this all, I desperately want to die and can’t, and this young man was so full of energy and wanted to live so much, and yet he had to die.

Now I cry for all those reasons, loosing him as a friend, crying with his mother, who lost her only son, and who […]

I am not gonna do anything, I can’t because I’ve got two sons, but I want to die so badly it physically hurts. Just venting hoping it will relieve the pressure. Going through a really nasty divorce, its all shit, I’ve got good friends though. But I am soooo overwhelmed with the stress and the sadness and the feeling of betrayal, just wishing for the everlasting peace of death, it would be so easy, living is soooo hard and painful! As I said, just venting.

On Moday I posted that I planned to end my life on Friday; I am glad to say that today I changed my mind. Various things contributed to that. Firstly I got an email from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, rejecting all my reasonable suggestion for an amicable and quick resolution of our property settlement. Rejecting them for no other reason than to maximise the hurt he can inflict on me, drag the fight out into all eternity, probably in the hope that he will wear me down. I then realised that I cannot leave him to raise my children, he will ruin them. If I die now, […]

I tried to wait until the end of the next four weeks, but I cannot wait any longer. On Friday I will go. Tomorrow I will change the type of title on our house, so my boys instead of my bastard husband will inherit it. I have already made a new will, and tomorrow I will also make my boys the beneficiaries of my life insurance. Already made sure it covers suicide. Then order a bottle of helium…
It’s a very lonely place once you have made the decision. Two concerned friends called today, I didn’t completely lie, they know I am not doing well. […]

Peace

Peace I used to feel,
in my childhood bed,
surrounded by safety and love,
snuggled under the blanket.

Peace slipped away,
a father afraid of my mind,
a mother afraid of my pain,
a brother cruel and forever favoured.

Peace was swallowed up;
betrayal, mocking,
bullying, cruelty
– peace stood no chance.

Peace I longed for,
the peace of never feeling pain again,
never waking up again.
The peace of DEATH.

Peace came back to visit,
a therapist who understood,
a man who told me I was special,
two beautiful baby boys grown miraculously from my body,
and nourished with love on my breast.

Peace slipped away,
a husband’s cruel […]

I am completely confused.

My priest and close friend has recently told me that whenever she needs an answer to an important question in her life, she prays and then at random selects a verse from her bible, and it will invariably be a very clear answer. It really works for her, and if she does not like the answer and tries again, it will just say the same thing in a different way, again and again, until she accepts it.

I’ve tried that in the past as well, and it has worked! So today I tried it, with the question whether I will survive this episode […]

I am having a really bad day. Things aren’t good with my husband, he loves me, but he is quite immature regarding his relationship skills, he often acts like an elephant in a china shop and hurts me immensely by the things he yells at me when he is angry.

I have a myriad of psychological disorders, depression, PTSD, a behavioural addiction driving me towards suicide, plus probably OCD. I am getting counselling, and I am taking a whole collection of medications each day.

Still, today the urge to kill myself became so strong I nearly gave in. I have two teenage sons, and I know […]