I’m so fucking tired. I did what all of these dickshit fucking therapists say. “Do fucking yoga”, “take deep breaths”, “see loved ones”, “eat good”. Shit I’ve done fucking all of it, and I’m still ready to blast my fucking brains out. I’m so tired of this being the constant. I’ve used up all my energy to get to the fucking point I can do all the bullshit they say you’re supposed to, but it doesn’t mean shit when you’ve already attempted a few times. Nothing fucking changes, nothing’s going to until I do myself in or something else takes me out. God fucking damn.
If I don’t cut out the rotten part of me within 3 months, it grows into a cancer that will ensure that I hate everyone and everyone hates me. It’s nearly been 4 months. “Four months clean, congrats.” No good reason to celebrate when not cutting just means I’m gearing up to kill myself. Whatever. I just need to cut soon. You have to atone somehow, eye for an eye, blood for blood. My body is a graveyard for my sins, and I need to be reminded of them. “A reminder of God’s promise” and he’s a cruel god. I’ll cut or I’ll kill myself. […]
congrats on getting away with child molestation n rape. while you’re busy bitching about how I’m no-contact, I’m regretting not killing you when I had the chance. I could’ve burned you alive. I could’ve bashed your head in like you tried to do to mine. I could’ve stabbed you on any of the many occasions you “checked in on me” by ripping the doors open when I was in the bathroom. I could’ve just let you choke on your vomit when you were ODing. I probably should’ve. Could’ve been “your own fault” to everyone. I nearly walked down to the house this summer, since I […]
lmao for all of us “struggling with misotheism”
I didn’t suffer through a cult just to find this shit here, though. Jesus Christ. I’m back in college after taking a couple years off following the loss of my entire family to the cult I grew up in (praise the Lord!), and I’ve got a person in one of my classes who keeps making all of her comments about God and it’s really fucking with my head. 18 years of Sundays wasted and all I got was this stupid mental illness that convinces me that God had one of my closest friends assault and try to rape […]
So my **** mother wants to spread everyone’s fucking business around, read through everyone’s personal shit, stick her fucking nose up everyone’s ass so she feels like her life is so fucking interesting. Lord knows she always fucking told me how much she treats others the way she wants to be treated, I’m more than happy to oblige and do the same for her.
The woman who gave birth to me molested me for years under the guise of “checking me for ringworm”. I don’t know everything, but I’m pretty fucking sure, you can’t feel ringworm inside the v*g. I’m pretty sure the ***** didn’t need […]
Haven’t been here for a while. A good few years, I guess. Some things have changed. Got into a surprisingly healthy relationship. Cut ties with my folks and the fundamentalist cult we were a part of. I understand and care about things now.
If I’m being honest, though, lots of things haven’t. I’m still a cutter. Still on painkillers. Still too scared to stop someone from assaulting me. Still can’t get my shitty parents off my mind. Still occupying the same place in society.
And I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve been told “it gets better” and be angry. Suicidal people aren’t stupid, […]
It’s my own fault for getting into this situation. I’m too connected to a friend, I’m becoming fucking codependent, and that’s fucking disgusting. He’s my only friend, and he puts up with me all the time, and I’m too much all of the fucking time. He’s super busy lately, and I don’t think he likes me so much anymore, which is fine and I need to accept that and shut the fuck up and calm down. But I’m fucking disgusting and I’ve been leeching off of him. I don’t feel good about that. I can barely act like a normal human being. I’m going to […]
I have no excuse to stay alive anymore. I’ve lost the one person who meant something to me. I don’t have anyone else to fall back on. It’s my own fault for allowing myself to believe that I would actually get better. I can’t feel anything anymore. Everything is more fucked than usual. There’s no reason for me to put off doing it anymore. I think this might be a good bye. I wish the best for everyone.
I’m so confused. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know where I stand with anyone anymore. I keep fucking everything up for everyone. My brain’s so fucked and I don’t know why. Maybe I do. I don’t know. I don’t know if my parents actually care about me.
They used to beat the shit out of me. They don’t seem to really remember that. I don’t think they understood just how bad they hurt me when they did what they did. I’m sure they’d think I was a ***** if I ever told them that “they hurt my feelings”, which sounds so […]
She was drunk. Doesn’t that make it my fault? She was raped before. That’s the only reason she did it. She wouldn’t have done it to me if it wasn’t done to her. She was too drunk to know what she was doing and it wasn’t her fault, right? And God will condemn me for adultery and homosexuality. She’s taken any chance of heaven away from me. She stripped me of any hope for a future. There is nothing after this. Not even death could let me escape this hell. It’s never going to end and I am going to continue to be tortured by […]
Dear Family,
Yeah, I am rather aggravated that you guys are getting on so well without me. Yeah, I’m pretty angry that all these years, all it took for you guys to be happy was me leaving the house. It sucks to be the apparent problem. It sucks when everyone around you knows it, and no one tells you. It sucks to be this much of a pathetic asshole that I’m getting upset at you for not telling me, your incredibly violent daughter, that you would be better off if I left. I know why you did it, though. Don’t misunderstand me; I know full well […]
You know what’s attractive about a self-sabotaging, incessantly angry, overly-formal asshole? Yeah, me neither. Looking back on my day, all I can see is me screwing up every single piece and part of my day. Not little fuck ups either. No, of course not. That would be forgivable and we all know I’m far beyond any kind of forgiveness. Instead, I not only ruined my day, but fucked up the lives of those around me. That’s right, folks! I’m a goddamn irredeemable piece of shit!
You know what’s funny? I can’t stand the thought of anyone loving or even liking me. It’s an absolutely abhorrent thought […]
Whoever said “talking helps” is a fucking liar. Or maybe I’m just a fucking idiot for thinking that advice for good people could ever apply to something like me. I fucking ruin everything.
Fucking ruined my friend’s feelings for a nice guy because I admitted to liking him, even though I know that my friend and him would be a better match and she wouldn’t destroy his feelings like I would. I know damn well that I am not mentally stable enough to get into a relationship, and still I said I liked him. I should’ve lied. I fucking hate myself. I never lie at the […]
Do I trust the abusive brain that wishes me alive, or do I trust the loving body that allows me to die?
“O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?”
Death is not an option. You can’t escape this that easily. You will not be condemned. You will not be abandoned. You will not be forgotten. You don’t get to choose what happens to you.
Death is not a solution. It is not an out. It will not provide the escape you wish for.
The grave holds no victory, no relief, no satisfaction. You long for something out of your reach. You long for a pain that you cannot have.
There is no escape, and you must accept that.
O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where […]
I hope it doesn’t get better for me. I hope my life goes to absolute shit and I am left a miserable, hollow shell that wishes only to die. I’m not far off now! Just keep pushing! That’s what I hear in my head all the time. It never stops. It never quiets down. It never goes to sleep. It just keeps shouting. Just a little farther! Don’t stop now! Keep ruining your life! You deserve more than this! You should be thankful this is all you’re getting! You deserve worse!
And it’s true. I guess that’s what makes it even more difficult to deal with. […]
Before we get this shit-show on the road, I want to make one thing clear:
You didn’t do this to me. You didn’t push me to this point. I’m far too self-righteous to believe anyone could do anything to me (after all, this whole “suicide” thing is always about “showing God who’s boss”, right?). Anyway, don’t feel guilty, this isn’t your fault, nothing you could do, I drove myself to it, etc. Same necessary disclaimers that shift all blame to me. I’d tell you where to send questions, comments, and concerns, but I’m dead (assuming all’s gone according to plan) and will not be able to […]
Just because I didn’t mean to do something doesn’t mean I didn’t do it all the same. Just because my intentions weren’t bad doesn’t mean that the situation ended positively.
But I’ll be damned if I crawl back to your sorry ass begging for mercy. I might apologize for a minor aspect, but I don’t expect, want, or need you to forgive me. If I do it, I do it to make peace with myself and my conscience. You are not worth the guilt I felt, and I hate saying that, but you are the one asswipe in the world who deserves these words.
I hope you […]
Every time, every fucking time this happens. It’s not a new thing. It’s happened since the beginning, and it will continue to the end. Every time that I think I’m doing better, it never gets any better.
What a dumbass ***** I am. I knew nothing gets better, but I expected it all the same.
Change. Test. Repeat. Change. Test. Repeat. Change. Test. Repeat. Am I any better because of it? No! I’m the same shitty person I was back then. I just recognize it now.
I don’t want anything good to happen to me anymore. I am a shitty person and I deserve nothing more than to […]
Your endgame is death. You have no real purpose in living. You don’t have any objectives in my life, and it’s been suggested that you make some. Find something to do, anything.
While you are alive, your objective is to make yourself as scarce as possible. Help others. If harm is to come to anyone, do everything in you power to make it come to you. You are unimportant. You are an extra, you can take the fault. You are disposable. Take the blame unless it is beneficial to others.
You have no grand dreams or imaginations. You don’t want to be happy. You don’t want to […]
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