Author

beautifulmonster

I'm 29 yet feel 832. My heart is so good I'm so caring and kind yet awful shit keeps happening to me. Devils pulling me one way and God is pulling me the other. Who's going to win?

Court & cops or death?

by beautifulmonster 8/17/2020

written by beautifulmonster

It should be a no brainer

Go court with a lawyer deal with it.

I cant. I cant see that court room anymore. I cant see any more police. All stupid charges, not even mine. Yes i was the idiot out with these people that ended up getting done for their shit . So i take that. But no i dont want any of it. I cant. Im so mortified. How could i end up in trouble with the law?

Its not even that anymore. Its worse. My depression has eaten me. I cant move. I cant think. I dont have a life.

So if i dont have a […]

8/17/2020 4 comments

I’m not even suicidal. I’m exhausted.

by beautifulmonster 11/27/2018

written by beautifulmonster

Been awhile since I’ve been on here….

horrible year

horruble month

horrible week

horrible night

im lying in bed i feel pain, extreme anxiety, exhausted hurt, familiar anger and confusion.

Am I that stressed out I don’t know what the f*** to do?!?! dare I say it but have I hit bottom? (Pffft if my past tells me anything I have a heck load left)

reading my previous posts… so depressed….

i am still depressed. But It’s mixed with an annoyance. I’m annoyed at myself. Last night (my stomach just flipped) was disgraceful. How could I possibly allow myself to be in that position? Why the hell have I put complete wankers around […]

11/27/2018 0 comment

Failllllll mums birthday

by beautifulmonster 2/15/2018

written by beautifulmonster

I feel even worthless today. It’s my mums birthday. I couldn’t even gas myself properly. What a fail. Now I have to wait till tommorow.

I’m really annoyed. I’m lying in my bed head hurts. I don’t want to be here another minute. I really don’t.

I cannot believe my own sister did not come to the hospital. So called ‘friends’ pfffttttt. Every dog for themselves. But my own family. Gronks yesterday on shit so they say I’m on G?! I fuvking don’t even like it. Hospital staff so rude. I’m begging them my chest was hurting and she kept telling me I took G. If I […]

2/15/2018 1 comment

I’m just getting worse.

by beautifulmonster 2/15/2018

written by beautifulmonster

I need the pain to stop. It’s my mums birthday. It’s evil if I hang myself today isn’t it. Great. Now I have to wait till tomorow.

Gassing myself yesterday didn’t work. Sucked it up got ready went dinner planned to throw myself infront of a car. Then the chest pain. I was meant to do it after I had fun. My heart my rib cage the pain.

the worst part I ended up in an ambulance alone.

Now I just heard my two sisters bitching about me.

wow they hate meeeee

they hate me

my own blood hates me. It’s bad enough when so called ‘friends’ lie to you and […]

2/15/2018 0 comment

Is this finally the day I die? Valentine’s Day perfect

by beautifulmonster 2/13/2018

written by beautifulmonster

Am I finally going to leave this earth? How many stupid goodbye sorry letters do I need to write ?!

I’m only sorry if I ever hurt anyone and who will be hurt.

This is a letter for God,
You exist you got too. I can feel it. But I guess I’m weak. This TEST you put us on this earth for? Well lookS like I failed miserably didn’t I. I’ll finally see the other side. I’m
Shit scared. But I’m more shit scared of this pain I feel in my heart.

What is it a sick joke you play bringing people into my life but then to […]

2/13/2018 2 comments

Prostitute. After all that, A HUG?! No

by beautifulmonster 2/13/2018

written by beautifulmonster

June 12, 2017. i snapped. I waited all day for my dad to do or say something. I had to piss in a cup coz I couldn’t leave my room. He’s laughing (my brother) to some girl on the phone, I open my door he broke. Who you talking to your ex?! Sarcasm. I say let’s do it. Now. Are you going to take what I say without hitting me?!

Im not going to hit you coz you want me to do that so I can go back to jail.

i laugh and say yep. It’s now or never. We’re going to live under this roof we […]

2/13/2018 0 comment

My heart hurts it keeps pounding

by beautifulmonster 12/26/2017

written by beautifulmonster

I’ve taken that many muscle relaxants I’m suprised I havnt oded. I just want my heart to stop hurting. I’m calling rehabs like a lunatic at 6:30am. They don’t give a crap.

No one does. I have no one. My heart hurts so much. What is this pain?

I’m
Willing to give up my New Years to spend in rehab. Loser much. How did I get here how?

I’m a good girl. I’m
Nice. I’m loyal. I help people.

Why is this happening to me.
Someone make my heart stop pounding pleass

12/26/2017 2 comments

I made it to 30. Now what?

by beautifulmonster 11/3/2017

written by beautifulmonster

Turned 30 couple days ago… been dreading this ‘milestone’ for awhile now. You would think my family to help soften the blow would have done something for me a party… or a cake… or $2 worth of balloons!!!

Naaaaa of course not.
Spent the last 5 days sleeping because I couldn’t deal with reality. Only now I have this itching desire to scream and run rip my hair out slice my skin burn the house down.

I feel like I’m going to explode. I am going to explode. My chest is so tight. I have so much on I can’t and don’t want to deal with it.

How […]

11/3/2017 2 comments

Why?! I loved you. Why hurt me like this?

by beautifulmonster 8/31/2017

written by beautifulmonster

why B? Why? What did I do to deserve you cheating on me? Especially the way you did. Why did you drive me to do that?! you honestly believe I’m happy how I retaliated? 15 years of my life came crashing down on me that cold Monday. You tore my soul out. I don’t know who I am anymore. Millions are praying today and I feel nothing. The devils I’m thinking how do I get the angel of death to take me.

This is isn’t right. None of it. I can’t get away from it. I try and try. Ultimately I get screwed. That’s what I’m good […]

8/31/2017 1 comment

Mum Dad are you wondering Why did she kill herself?

by beautifulmonster 7/8/2017

written by beautifulmonster

I’m her mum I loved her more than anyone

so where were you when you I had been raped as a kid? Why didn’t you be the mum and help me ? Why did I have to lie and hide to protect your feelings? I was the kid. I was the one mean to be crying. Instead you cried and lost your shit so i protected you. I just needed someone to help me, why did you have to be weak?

Why are you so depressed ? Why were you so sad all those years? What why? Your a mother your meant to be strong. You brought […]

7/8/2017 4 comments

Right now… blade in one hand & the other religious text… wtf?! Am I crazy?!

by beautifulmonster 6/11/2017

written by beautifulmonster

why can’t anyone ever help me? I’m sitting here with a razor googling how to correctly slit my throat. Yes it’s gruesome but I want them, my family, cousins, ex friends to see that I’m not lying. My depression has a hold on me. They all say get over it. Stop faking it. Stop saying your going to kill yourself. So my previous attempts were what?! Bullshit?!?!

I haven’t showered in weeks. I’m 45 kilos. Not to be stuck up but I’m pretty and naturally blessed with my body. Now… I can’t get up and shower.. I stink. My face is hollow. They say shower seriously, […]

6/11/2017 5 comments