Black_Scorpio

So i got drunk yesterday.. Headache drives me crazy today. 🙂

but it was fun ! i took one of my best gf and we just were sitting, talking and drinking like hell. But it’s so nice to have so close talk. Usualy i listen people and don’t talk. Don’t know why. It’s not good, but it’s my way. I just know i am very good listener 🙂

But my problem with a bf and distance isn’t better at all. From amazing it’s going to shit. But he doesn’t understand that at all! For him everything is perfect 😀 So why i do feel like a shit? […]

What a sunny day today.. -30 i guess, but sun is shinning..so nice. To my eyes :]

Yesterday a girl jumped from a third floor .. suicider.. and she jut stood up 😀 ! a little bit crashed face, but overall – no damage! can You imagine?! It’s not ment to be !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was hard to believe ! Like we say 1:0 we win against God. SHE’S JUST LUCKY ASS. Hope it will make her realise that she just have to live.

I was laying after my shift in ambulance in bed and realised very cruel truth., I came back to the same place i’ve been […]

I think, that the page and the idea is perfect.

And those who are banned, them posts deleted and so on shouldn’t be so unhappy – RULES ARE RULES. And we have to keep them.

The web is kool.

I don’t think that it helps directly, but on some way it does.

It’s always interesting to read and always exciting to see what people think about my posts. I am sure it’s the same for all of You. Mostly..

The mind, that somebody is totally fucked up or hopeless sometimes helps to realise that i’m not in that deep shit so much maybe.. :]

Thanks for creator!

Even it’s page full of […]

So month pass.. over 1 month..

I packed and went to my trips.. Was trying to catch my luck in mountains .. Skii.. It was the best trip ever.. Full of  love, sex, food, alcohol, people, laugh and sleep..

Still can’t believe i came back. Stopped crying after 2 days ..

Now i feel worst than before trip ! It had to cure me but broken totally.

My bf, who filled me completely, i thought so, now is sick and totally out of US.

so i am totally lonely, cold and in this FUCKING DARK WINTE! I HATE IT! HATE ALL THAT SNOW!!!!!!

Life sucks again. But it doesnt mean i […]

I sat and thought:

*job sucks..nobody cares.

*family sucks.. they don’t understand my job.

*money sucks..never enough.

*love sucks..distance.

*weather sucks..cold&dark.

so i just bought tickets and will go to travel to world for a 3 weeks !i will spend all my money,but i will be happy finally :]]]

Travels brings new brief !

Don’t give up guys :]

Only we are our masters of destiny.

December 3rd. 2009. Morning.

I am going to lessons and for the first time in my life im not saying goodbye for Him. Don’t know why.

Sitting on exam. One moment i felt shaking as hell, some coldness went through my body.. Somewhy i couldn’t even speak, just gave paper to lector and went out.

Sat on my bike.. Couldn’t drive. Every single day i go to that hill and i couldn’t move my legs!!! The feeling was like somebody was keeping them. I was crying all the way. Terrible and scary feeling .. It took me 2 times longer to go home.

All the way i was calling […]

Can You imagine, yesterday i saved 16 people, but today seems like nobody can help me. Feels like i give up. I have lots of money problems and i feel so weak and tired, that keeping alive just coz of people who loves me, even they cant help me.

Im in a bottom. No more power. Exhausted. Can’t fight. Can’t die. Can’t stand up. But also can’t give up.

Closing my eyes and going through it blinded.

Blinded to see the world, truth or dreams.

My religion also obliges me into this blindness. If i will fuck up everything here i will come back to this shit on next […]

I hate love.

It ruins all harmony in life.

It makes suffering.

It makes to feel unbelievable pain inside. Like 10000 knifes cutting a heart.

It ruins sleeping.

Broken heart is 1000 worst than pneumonia.

I decided to be single forever, for avoinding these shits. Bang!

Love hurts.

And its not like pain in body – one pill and its gone. Only time can heal it. And waiting sucks.

I want to go to work now so much that tomorow i will wake up 3 hours earlier. Solve people’s problems helps to forget ours.

Fucking Love ruins the world. Sometimes creating. But the creating moments comes from chemistry i guess.. Chemistry and hormones to continue […]

Today i am lonely as never. I came back from work and got sick again. Laying all day in bed with movies, watched out the window – dark. Totally wasted day. I am totally alone in darkness and city’s voices. Feeling a part of that sounds. My boyfriend said i show too less support for him, so i stopped saying him my problems. He is right. Nobody faults of my shits – just me and i take that responsibility.

Long way to 2012 years. Finally. 2012. Sounds like better times. 2011 was terrible. I hate this year. So many crashes.

Yesterday i was speaking with a real […]

Life is very interesting. When it seems that i got up from shit – bang! New challenges!
I bought tickets to Italy. Spent adorable days there with my bf, sister, friends. Sister is that only one who really cared about me all my life. I trust her 1000%.
Of course, good things never last forever. I landed to my cold dark country. Was missing  my job so much.. Couldn’t wait!
And bang ! Got sick. Well, thought i can miss it a week more.
Bang bang! two more diseases!
Bang bang bang!!! Bank blocked my bank account! So now im laying all alone here, can’t […]

It fucked my brain too much.. sitting at home and at home.. The best way to get depression is stay at home.

So i took a friend and we went out to the night city. It was amazing. Finally i felt myself AGAIN ! I met new people from 6 different countries, made a little party, got beer, pizza, nicotine and didnt care about anything – just laughed.. laughed like some time ago :] From all my heart! I  call such out goings “soul reloading parties”..

So i talked with foreigners and they opened my eyes.. I mean, in my little crazy country we are pushed to […]

All our life is made by desicions. Every day, every step we choose something and we change the direction.

Sometimes its hard. Why can’t come somebody and tell what to do? Like we were kids – go there, go there, go there.. Life is much harder when we are adults. One step can change all range of events.

Like i have to decide now – go to foreign country to make money or stay here, with friends and family, but live in dissatisfaction by material way. Why can’t somebody tell which way is better?  Just push the bottom and watch the future.. I guess that is the […]

I wish tomorow would come now. Faster. So hard to wait these damn 14 hours..

I hate today.

Tomorow working.. Release me! My own brother humiliates me in each step. Im strong person for everything, but not for him. I never knew how to handle his attacks. Never.. After 24 years i didnt find the way. Sometimes i wish that he did suicide, and not my bf. I even told him that.. Only one thing he answered “i am too good for that” . Wanted to crash his head. With axe. I’m full of angryness to him.

To hate my brother… What a life!

Hello world..

i was wondering…

I have a friend. We’ve been going through hell 21 years together. She’s even more than my sister. When i was homeless – she opened doors for me, when i was in my families funerals – she quit her jobs and was 24 h with me, when i was hungry – she feeded me, when i was lonely – she always came.
We have met today. after 4 months beeing apart (she was working in foreign) i expected much more. All this time i had really big problems in my life and all this time i was waiting for her, finally to […]

i am sure that probably all of You sometimes wondering “whats gonna happen after death”.

Death is beautiful. In my work practise i’ve seen death many times.. I like death at home, when human is laying in bed and waiting it in silence. The last breath. The last words. The last gaze.. Usualy when we have dying patien with some serious disease and we don’t need to make CPR, i just sit and watch. It’s magical. Sometimes i put electrodes to see heart’s stopping. It is really magical. Slowly, saint.. Sometimes human dies,but the heart is still fighting and still making some single beats, so we […]

Hello guys :]

so another shift is done. Well, strange one, no suiciders, no depressed people.. Just similar calls with MI, traumas and so on.. Even psychiatric was chilling. But we were speaking about last week. .

It was romantic suiciders, as i say. There lived two girls, lesbians we guess. So one got depression and suicied. After two days, IT team went to call and saw that other alive jumped from 4th floor. She didnt want to live without her. So decided to die. And like nearly always, our team brought her to life. So her punishment, or how to call it, is to lay in […]

Hello there!

This last 24 shift was like hell. Daytime its okay, but at night here came suiciders. For the first time in my job time we got 4 at night! Usualy our psychiatric team with proffesional doctors are going to such patiens, but they didnt work yesterday.
Nobody knows why, but all psychiatric ER was full of such people. Not a full-moon.. hmm., And they all chosen drugs. What a fools! i didn’t meet any of them died from drugs, we always come in time and save them.

I was very angry. Non of them told me a serious reason why decided to die.. Love, Studies, […]

Sometimes, when i feel like a shit, i play one game. Donno how to explain, It helps to go through the stress or depression episode.

So i look to myself like to another person, like looking from up, like looking to another person. Seeing just body, no brain. Anything i do i pretend to look from up, like to some strange person. Analysing how does it look like. After some time i see that i look kinda kool. When i like my decisions – i am proud, when i dont like – i pretend its another person. :]

Really hard to explain. It’s like not being in […]

Good morning the world. Monitor. People.

my mood is much better today. I don’t know why! My boss called and asked to come to job tonight, even i dont need to work so i am happy, don’t wanna be at home .

Overall i know what fucks my minds. I just stuck. I am stuck in this position. Studies are over, sports are over, military is over, all my lovely things are over and i can’t find them time coz of job. So i all i need to do is to change job, find a new flat, to buy a car and start living again.

I am sure […]

Hello monitor and that who’s in it. At start, i don’t wanna be heard, i just wanna be said. Maybe would be easier.

All my life i was a very happy person. I had lots of crashes, deaths, family problems, alcoholic father, cancer mother, suicided feyonce and so on. Lots of shits. But i never felt disappointed by life. Each crash helped me to love life more and more. The best thing is that i Always felt how right life should be – doing everything you like, enjoying people and time, reaching some purposes and so on and so on. I was doing it all my […]