brokenandbent30

I was the “pretty and skinny one growing up in the family. Depression and binge eating took it’s toll. I will work out harder and stronger. It must give my family some sick happiness to known I am not the same size as high school. They were nothing but jealous cunts. Wait till I come back thinner than ever! Family waits to stab you in your your back just like anyone else. I’m giving them the finger as I improve. I’m believing in myself, screw them.

I want to get my day started, but I can’t walk out of my room until my cousin and her baby leave. I feel like crap and now I’m stuck in here hearing my grandmother and mother fawning all over her baby. My cousin represents everything I am not: successful, married, has a daughter. I don’t want children, but people treat those with children extra special. Oh great, just heard someone tell my cousin she has gotten “prettier”. Meanwhile, constant stress and depression has sucked the life out of me. She doesn’t have mental issues like I do. No one in my family has it […]

That was the very first thought as soon as I opened my eyes. It felt like hell in my mind, thinking about having to face another day. My mom will be out of the hospital today so I will be forced to put on a good front.

Yesterday, I ran on the treadmill longer than I ever have and the rest of the day went well. I walked around the block listening to music. Some random lady called me beautiful. I had 2 beers and lied in an open field last night, looking up at the stars.

Maybe I’ll get some coffee, work out and see how […]

There’s a before period of completely going off-the-rails and an after period. It’s like before Christ and after Christ. I completely lost myself within the past 2 years. Identity crisis has been happening with new spiritual beliefs.

Go from thinking God doesn’t exist and not believing in such things to believing in everything basically. It’s like too much for the mind to handle at times.

So maybe losing yourself is actually finding yourself, but it mostly feels like being lost.

You know you can never go back when a certain part of your identity dies.

This is not meant to be a religious debate at all. Just genuinely curious […]

I’ve spent close to a year alone by choice. I was tired of guy’s mind games. Then an ex from a decade ago found me and he has my heart now. Then my most recent ex who I never ever thought I would hear from again, reached out last night. He was my longest relationship ever.

What is going on?! Isn’t there a saying that after you’re with someone, that’s usually when someone from your past comes back? Well both of these guys are from my past and they both know me better than anyone in different ways, but at the same time they don’t know […]

I started looking into YouTube videos of NDE. Typed in “Near death experiences hell” and I see with much more clarity there is a heaven and a hell. I’ll probably delete this later, but if you start to watch what these people have seen in hell, the experiences are eerily similar. Even those who have been shown heaven, the experiences are similar. There was a woman who tried to commit suicide, she shot herself and died. She was taken to the depths of hell before Jesus showed her mercy. Jesus reached down into the pit of flames and lifted her up back into this world […]

Someone just made a post about how we’re labeled as “toxic” and how friends were distancing themselves. Maybe they deleted it because they were afraid it came off as arrogant, but no, this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot. So thanks for bringing it up. This was my comment:

This has honestly been on my mind a lot. Glad you brought it up. It is not fair that we are labeled “toxic” and “negative”, well excuse me for having an illness! Social media is another reminder because there are memes like “Distance yourself from negativity.” “Don’t embrace toxicity.” Some shit like that and even […]

And trust me, I am sinking. It is not the end for me yet and thankfully religion/spirituality/the supernatural has given me something more to hold onto, but if I am being completely honest with myself, I cannot see myself suffering another decade.

God knows I have fought tooth and nail for my entire life. I get up and dust myself back off, but I’m in my early 30s and it’s like every one is passing me by. I am not socially acceptable with all these mental illnesses. I’m forever the outcast.

Yesterday, my younger pregnant cousin got married. As you know, it was Valentine’s Day. Ugh. Of […]

I do spread hope when I feel it. I at least try, but I am not feeling it today. I woke up in tears. Life is not for me. It never was. I have always felt out of place since I was a child, like I just wasn’t meant to be a human. What the fuck? All I have been doing my entire life is fighting and fighting to stay alive and drowning in the process. I will not forget some success I’ve had. I give myself a lot of credit for toughing it out, but I am tired.

And didn’t you hear? The world is […]

I have been through some bad times lately and that’s why I was here a lot. The paranoid thoughts started coming back like people are out to kill me. In the back of mind, I knew this tied into that time of month. I have PMDD, not regular PMS. It exacerbates depression, anxiety, paranoia, body dysmorphia and suicidal thoughts. You literally feel like you have lost your identity and constantly think about dying.

So I ended up canceling with a guy I’m seeing because of it, but a few days later, things cleared up. I saw him and had the best time ever! Also, the only […]

There are certain people in this world, I am noticing more and more. There are people who hardly feel music or people who feel it so much, they can hardly  breathe! I feel emotions a lot. Things have happened in my house I will not go into, but this is the only question I ask: WHAT IS HOLDING YOU BEHIND THOSE FOUR WALLS???

You know those walls. The exact same ones I am enclosed in and don’t have an excuse not to go beyond anymore. These walls are closing in. It is time for a change.

It’s too easy to get attached to a guy when you have BPD. I hope this guy I’m into isn’t slowly backing away since we finally had sex over the weekend. No “Good morning, beautiful!” text today like he usually sends and yesterday I felt like I was kinda making most of the conversation.

So I’m backing off. Maybe I’m overreacting, that’s nothing new. I just know how he was all over me before. I need to remind myself not to fall so head over heels with anyone. People change and act weird. I can’t stand these feelings. Is it even worth it to start really […]

That’s all I woke up thinking this morning. Does that mean something is wrong with me? I think it means I cannot stand my environment or the people in it anymore. Every day, I wake up full of dread. I don’t want this crap. Then there’s a fantastic guy who is into me, but I am emotionally drained by every fucking thing.

I can’t even express myself right. Maybe it all boils down to being sick of everything, but still trying to make it. Life is annoying as hell. God help. haha

Yes, my spirit was awakened before and I’m grateful for those moments I’ve “seen the light” and even did everything I could to spread the joy to others. Now it feels gone again. It’s like something is missing. How many times can a person fall completely apart and then try to pick up the pieces again. This up and down shit is not how I want to live, but it is all I see ahead of me!!!

Maybe I am only here as an example of what not to do and what not to be. I will never be what the fuck I truly want in […]

That light feels gone when you’re really deep down in the sadness. It feels like there’s no way out, but that is the evil spirits telling lies. Don’t listen. Shut them out of your head with God’s love and the angels who are watching over you.

Some of you might be thinking “Ugh. Another bible thumper…” That is not the case at all! Trust me. It took a lot of pain and darkness to get to this place. I also think lying underneath the sky on a clear night changed everything. I was so caught up in my own bubble, it reminded me the universe is […]

Been running on the treadmill 30 minutes every day. Doing sit-ups/reverse sit-ups even at 4 am when I’m frustrated. It’s also important to get outside and walk around.

A thinspo site I look at is motivational. I’ve recently become way more aware of what I’m putting into my body. I just didn’t care before in my despair. Hopefully this will keep going.

I still haven’t slept though! Soon, it will be time for me to get up, eat a can of tuna, have some coffee and run on the damn treadmill. Exercise is supposed to help you sleep. Argh….

I don’t feel lonely all the time, but sometimes (especially at night), it consumes me. It’s confusing because I want someone, but I want to be left alone at the same time. Why can’t I just be normal and find a guy and be happy and all that bullshit. I don’t understand how people maintain relationships. I did for years and it took so much out of me. His family constantly had get-togethers. They never missed a damn holiday without being together and I was always expected to go. It’s just too much.

The loneliness hurts though. A part of me still craves companionship. I’m hurting.

Oh […]

Everything that happens around me or to someone else, effects me so deeply, it can paralyze my life. Meaning it’s hard for me to move on with my life when there’s a lot of hurt around me.

I recently found out one cousin took out a knife and tried to stab my other cousin. The one who took out the knife, I’ll call him J. This didn’t happen in my house. It happened in the house J lives in with his brother T. My grandmother warned J’s mom months ago that he has emotional issues and that he could be a danger to other people. My […]

What I mean is, I was bedridden for weeks because of a major depressive episode and going through withdrawal from benzos. Now that I saw the psychiatrist and have more benzos, I have the “tools” to give me that push to get through the day. Only problem is, I STILL don’t want to fucking do it!
Yes, I’m grateful I’m not suffering withdrawals anymore and can get on with it, but I’m still looking at the bright and burning sun like “Why?!” There’s more guilt when you’re capable of doing something and still don’t want to. At least being sick, there was a legitimate reason.

I […]