deadmanliving(hopefullyhopeful)

Nothing more to add I shouldn’t be alive i cant handle it anymore. I can’t even find a fucking counselor. I even ran some off.

How many of these posts have i posted and deleted? Different profiles different locations. I stay the same. In a room alone crying online about being depressed. The one constant is a man that barely exists. Maybe I’m not even here and i myself am imaginary. It sounds insane but when i die even if am stupid enough to keep living there will be no evidence that i was ever alive. Ive never enjoyed anything from life never had my faith or trust in people rewarded. How can it be said my life is really happening? I’m so discardable. I want death. The sweet embrace […]

I’ve never in the nearly 30 years ive been on earth had a life worth living. I was 12 and wanted to kill myself to spare myself pain but I didn’t. i was 13 and wanted to kill I should have but didnt….. I was 27 and wanted to kill myself to spare myself pain but I didn’t. Etc. I am accustomed to complete misery and lonliness and isolation. I have no motive to continue. Ive had so many suicide dates come and go and so many attempts fail. Im tired i was born for no reason have done nothing while being here and need […]

I can kill myself today. I can buy a gun and shoot myself after work. I should i hope i get the nerve. I’ve set am infinite amount of dates before. Im going to die one day anyway. Why not today?

I haven’t posted in ages. Mainly because I have been doing better. That said my mom just chewed me out for being a fuck up for the 2nd week in a row and i cant disagree with her at all. I do have fucked up priorities. I am taking my job and situation for granted. I am too old to be so irresponsible. She believes my recent slide is depression based. I dont directly disagree with that either. However, I haven’t been nearly as depressed as i used to be. I believe ive just had a lax attitude in general. I hope to use her […]

There is a meet and greet here that goes to a few restaurants / bars and I’m too scared to go. Im so tired of this happening but i don’t want to have a wallflower panic attack. Im damn near fucking 30 and i still cant fucking meet people or go out.

I keep thinking about you. Why the fuck did i let you back in my life? Why did I want you in my life? I realize now what i was and always have been. Just your ego boost. I stupidly at one point thought you loved me. I thought a wonderful person loved me. Instead a fake **** manipulated me. Didn’t give a quarter of a sqirt of piss about me. Its been a month since i talked to you last and all talking to you this past time accomplished was reopen new wounds and reframe everything. I used to see you as a […]

I thought of hanging myself multiple times this weekend. It has never worked so I didn’t waste my time. I wonder how it feels to die. To be in a state of non existence. Ive wondered for so long. Each agonizing lonely meaningless moment. Ive spent 5 years under 3 screen names here. I too about 2 years off at one point but still. Ive been suicidal since I could remember. I know factually the love i have for my self is the love I’ll ever have. You read that right i do love myself. I feel my suicide would be a merciful act of […]

As far as I know this isn’t against the rules. I sort of stole this idea from another post. I’m looking for a friend. I am genuinely trying to live but I have no friends at all. I work i not sleep that is my life. I realize looking back one of the main reasons for me not being able to get along with people is that most people don’t understand depression or anxiety. Id love a friend local to where i am who did understand. I dont care about gender or anything I just need someone to interact with locally.

They have a free art crawl in town and I wanted to go. Basically a bunch of art galleries open up their doors for free every first friday of the month. After work I drive to the first one open. Park my car walk to the door and then…. panic. I turned around and went home. I tried to get myself up for it at work. Tell myself it would be just ok to go but I couldnt handle it. Ive never had a girlfriend hell ive never really had any friend. I don’t know how to interact with people socially. I dont even know […]

I have the money for a handgun now. I should get one and die today. There a billion reasons why i should and almost no reasons why i shouldn’t.

*Disclaimer* I know a lot of people are suffering here but please dont take your suffering out on me. Dont assume about my situation because I don’t assume about yours. Now on to the post.

Ive never had a girlfriend. I’ve never even had the opportunity. In 29 and im going to kill myself if a month before my 30th b day if that is still the case. I also need a better chance of a career as well but this post is about my love life that other one comes later. If these 2 things aren’t met I’ll die. In fact I’ll probably do it […]

Above is a documentary on someone who is suicidal. They have friends and an apartment and the ability in their country to die by Euthanasia for depression. I want to die so bad. I set some arbitrary date but I’m tired now. I’m back to the every pay check I think I should buy a gun mentality. I’m in an awful mood. I hate this loneliness being all I am and know. I makes me sick. I just want to die. It’s been 30 years of this shit. I ‘ll never have any one love me in any way I’ll never be productive in any […]

I haven’t been this excited for a movie in a while. I hope it doesn’t disappoint. Now on to the rant.

I sit in the cold bitterness of loneliness right now. I tend to stay away when things are doing well. I want to live. Im stuck in a permanent death like state as my whole life has been. I desperately want life. The pain and loneliness of being is all i have been. I cant exist like this forever. Im praying for an escape. Perfection is not an expectation and though you can’t tell from my posts I’m appreciative of the blessings that have […]

My big plans for having a chance are dashed about 10 and a half montha left. Consider ive been on thia site longer than that odds are ill be dead then. I tried my damndest i can die knowing my best effort was given and that i should have never been born. Im ugly and stupid and ill never be loved or even trust anyone again anyway. I’m lazy and depressed so ill never be productive towards my goals. I’ll never accomplish anything more tba. I have. Im gaining weight back. So i get to be even uglier and be more rejected. Im sick […]

In a less than a year i will kill myself if my life doesnt improve. The date is 9 1 17. If I’m in the same rut ive been in the first 29 years ill end it all. I have things i want to do ill start therapy Tuesday. Ive lost an additional 40 lbs the past 4 or 5 mos making my total weight loss around 140 lbs. I’ve done and am doing the best i can. I hate the way this uglyiness and loneliness feels. If nothing changes then nothing changes. I will die complete regardless. Ill die knowing i gave all […]

If i counted up every time ive killed myself in my mind. It would probably be around a hundred million. I’ve had attempt after attempt though its been a while. My date is September 1st 2017 to have a legit reason to live. Im counting down until the moment i end it all. When the pain of talking to people who have hurt you no longer exits and the burden of breathing stops. I took the brunt of everything you dealt with to be lied to. Why am I activity talking to you. I feel shitty enough on my own. I don’t want you to […]

I can’t afford a gun this week i have to pay bills i didn’t expect to pay

Nope!

I thought about buying studio equipment instead of a gun but fuck that. Im still getting a gun as an insurance policy. The weekend wasn’t awful. I even got an early B-day present. I just have too many triggers and I’m tired of living. An old friend unwittingly reminded me why we stopped being friends. I fucked up this damn NDA for a business I want to start and my sister out the blue tells me some random asshole is about to come over. Thanks for the fucking heads up.