Edit: I’m back in moderation hell yay!
Sorry for spamming this song its (almost in)arguably the best part of the movie now on to the post. In exactly 18 months one of 2 things will be true (well both if you subscribe to the scientifically plausible many worlds theory). My life will be significantly improved or i will be completing/completed my suicide. In 18 months I hit a milestone bday. Ive set dates before but this is final. This is less an ultimatum and more of a mad dash to get myself right. Despite my posts there is a fair amount of optimism that ill […]
I haven’t smoked weed in 6 months. Not for lack of trying since i moved i cant find a decent connect. Weed was an antidepressant that I no longer have access to. I dont drink so ive been begrudgingly sober far longer than id like. I dont want to be a blunt a day pot head. Just the occasional bowl to take the edge off. My outlook was mostly positive high. This isn’t to encourage weed use its not a cure all but got dam it helped. The only plus is i can pass a drug test which I’ll need to find a new job […]
Not everyone understands what its like to not matter. To have never fitted in. Even amongst the mentally ill. To be ugly. Not to feel ugly but to actually be so repulsive that the best you can hope for is for another arrogant thot who doesn’t care about you at all except to pity to boost their own ego all to try to convince you that someone else will as a consellation. Otherwise you have rejection because of your ugliness and anxiety. Not everyone gets what its like to to be in complete mental misery for 3 decades going back to childhood so you have […]
What do i do?
I just saw Batman v Superman for the 2nd time and i have to say i have a much higher opinion of it than when I saw it the first time. The more I think about the more i realize how connected to this movie i am. I understand what its like to not be perfect and lambasted for it. I get what its like not to be accepted for what you are. For people to not see how good you are despite your flaws. I understand what its like tl be pre classified based upon criteria you can’t control because you are grouped in […]
Im so tired of all of this. Im blessed that i have a roof over my head. Im just tired of struggling in every capacity of my life. I dont have a method or else id be dead. I’m doing my best but genuinely what i really want is deaths sweet embrace. The permanent insignificance that ive lived my entire life is so all encompassing. Even here i feel alone. I feel alone everywhere. I dont belong. I felt belonging for such a short time so long ago i dont even know if it happened…. I’d give anything for a time machine or a […]
I should be redesigning my website so i can get an entry level job in the field. I should be redesignimg and adding to the couple of clients’ site I’ve had. Im procrastinating out of fear. Well that and food anxiety im juice fasting today save for the banana i had while writing this post. I dont want to screw it up. Stupid i know logically something is better than nothing. I have a voice that tells me I can’t do it. Sometimes i can ignore that voice other times i can’t. There’s another voice telling me that I should kill myself. Honestly the only […]
I’m jobless again. Idk how to feel about that. I have a shit ton of projects that can make me more profitable than another job or the scam that modern school can be. Take out thousands in student loans so you to can maybe make 45000 a year and be a higher class of broke than you are. I’ll pass. Im going to look for jobs mind you. Im just going to focus on the things i want to do as well. I’m actually more obsessed with my weight. I’ve been obese my entire life and i “only” have another 40 to 50 lbs left […]
I’m tired of wishing I had ended it. I’m tired regretting the past with no future to look forward to. No one will ever care for me. I’ve led a life of such remarkable insignificance the bitterness and anger are becoming harder to control. One shot could have solved my problems. But I’m as weak now as i was then. I don’t belong in any conceivable way. I welcome death if ever it mercifully delivers me from this pain. I get it I’m inept socially. I’m incompetent to anxious/depressed/tired to work on things that I need to. I’m ugly and fat and poor and […]
As I watched moody superheroes fight i realized what this movie is accurately describes my life. It means well has some good parts. But is too depressing and meaningless to be truly enjoyed. Im too much of a fat pos to ever be cared about. I’m too incompetent to improve my life. I’m giving myself 18 months. Its a very short amount of time. If things aren’t improving then it’s off with my head. Im so tired of impoverished lonelines, alienation, and obesity as normalcy. I’m not living. This isn’t living.
Sorry about posting non Suicidal content. If you want to know something depressing i was guilted into attending a slightly cultish Christian event earlier so there is that.
I haven’t seen the movie yet but I’m worried, really worried. I’ll see it tomorrow but my expectations are lowered. You see I’m a comic book fan in general. Not a marvel fan or dc (or image or any other indie for that matter) but i love the medium. So since these movies have become the dominant blockbuster I have been prettty happy. Also Batman is my favorite fictional character. So i want this movie to be […]
Yet another terrorist attack has happened this time in Brussels. Its depressing. When ever a shooting or attack happens i can’t help but to think why does someone have to lose their loved ones and i have to stay. I get so depressed i can’t help but to want to die. If i trade my life for any person who matters who died in any act of senseless violence i would. It doesn’t feel right at all.
I never knew there was a video for this now 12 year old song. I was depressed when it came out and i still am. I may never overcome it honestly. In some ways i understand that. I dont know how ive lasted this long. There is plenty of reason to be proud of myself. I’m tired of the permanent loneliness. The emotional disconnect from humanity. I don’t have social networking/media. I have never dated regularly anyone in person. Ive never had real close friends save for a needy user. I have goals and hopes and even help with them. Im going to […]
I hate this fat unlovable unattractive unnecessary pimple filled lonely face. I hate being constantly reminded of my romantic/sexual irrelevance to women. Im tired of working out and eating better just to pig out and ruin it. Im tired of being ugly. The moments that give me peace are the moments where my chest/heart go funny. I know its just the caffeine and bronkaid effecting me. I wish I could just die. I’m tired of being poor irrelevant lonely fat and depressed. Im tired of it it makes me sick. Sick of living sick of everything. No one will ever want me. I try to […]
Idk why i titled this post after a fairly odd parents character. My sister mentioned him earlier so there you have it. I’ve been in worse places than now. That said ive overeaten like a pig today, i was treated like a cop when i asked someone for weed, someone from my past contacted me out the blue but things are still fairly cold. The whole convo was less than 20 words between the both of us. The weed thing sucks. Ive been completely sober for 5 months since i moved here […]
Why couldn’t kill myself when I had the chance. I wouldn’t have so many painful memories and feel so out of place and suicidal. I only know my best days are ahead of me because one of those days includes dying. My life never started. I sometimes can trick myself into thinking that people I have met actually cared about me but deep down I know that is untrue. I hate that of painful memories of liars and heart thieves that all in all provided nothing but pain and trauma. I don’t matter. I don’t connect to anyone or anything. I shouldn’t even have been […]
I’ll be honest i don’t like being on this site. Don’t get me wrong it isn’t you guys its just i rather not feel the need to post. I’m sure that you all can relate. No one wants to live in depression. That said I come back because I have these moments of pure depression. I try to tell myself in these moments i should accept that I feel this way and stop beating myself up for being beaten by life. I work all but 1 day in a culture full of depression triggers. This feeling is as natural as getting sick from a peanut […]
It may just be the caffine crash talking but i feel like shit. There is a hefty amount of optimism in my mind about he future. But i have doubts and i dont have the energy to do all I’d like to do. Also that pesky anxiety though the aforementioned(in another post) ashwaghanda is helping. I pray. I didn’t always but i pray a lot nowadays. Even if it just in my mind it helps. Depression is just a *****. I think of death and life evenly now. It’s not a battle more of a friendly debate between respected rivals. I’m just hoping that my […]
I’m incredibly tired. I have to work in an hour. I’m permanently lonely. I try to improve things but im too much of an old useless failure. Im in physical pain mental and emotional pain and i don’t want to live anymore. I wish I had a method. I’ve tried so many times but life I failed. Just like ive tried to improve my life but i failed. I wish death’s sweet embrace would show up. Im just fucking tired.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.