evianwatre

yet i’m still keeping myself alive for the abusers, for the ones unaware of their deed and the ones i love with every last piece of sanity left in me. i know the suicide note is going to include something like “please don’t blame anyone, it’s not your fault”

but it is.

but i can’t talk about it, but i can’t mention it a bit because i want them to be happy.

but to keep them happy i shouldn’t end my life at all.

but i think i also deserve to rest, no matter how selfish, how stupid i am, no matter how much i deserve this, i desperately […]

I hate it here, it’s always raining in Vancouver, hostile people, grey skies, boring people, boring places, their boring ways to dress, they all watch and read the same stuff. the lack of conversation topics, people are either extremely alike or completely different. Every day just blends into another, the same house, the same bed, the same wardrobe, the same food, same faces, same breakdowns.
It just have to be me to be born here, into a world that’ll never make me feel complete. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t know what’ll make me happy. There’s too much beauty in the world, […]

I’m so many different people at once.

It’s so hard to describe, especially when you’re suffering from what seems to be a mental illness. It’s not that I have any actual personality disorder or anything, but switching characters is exhausting, switching who I am is exhausting, and my opinions and the way of expression shifts so much it’s not unnecessary, but

but what, but I can’t find a word to get the idea across

i talk, a lot, it’s my character. But I just can’t get what I actually want to say out. My thoughts are almost abstract, when they’re clear they shifts all the time as I […]

After my death nobody will know why, the reason the feelings my view my opinions, all that, I guess it’s good in a way. Nobody will understand who I am and how I feel, nobody will after my death.

the urge won’t last, the urge and thoughts won’t continue, I won’t be killing myself, or will I?

i don’t know when will be the time, I don’t know if I can even last another year. They don’t see it, they don’t and I need to recognize that nobody will ever do. INFP is the most idealistic personality and I fucking hate it, I hate holding hope and […]

this week i went out with some of the closer friends i have, and noticed that i can actually act normal and conceal everything now. i feel the same no matter what they say, what i say. we watched the film searching and eventually i gave up on killing myself in somewhere hidden.

if you don’t know, searching is about a father searching for his disappeared daughter, i don’t know, it scares me that people’ll look for my rotting body and everything

i don’t know how long it’ll take for people i care to die of old age. i don’t know if i can make it that […]

every single day.

i’m being forced into living and it doesn’t work anymore, my head won’t work.

it’s fun to see how long i can last without help, it’s been what, 3,4 years? never even seen the face of a therapist, and hopefully i’ll die before seeing one

ive been struggling so much just to get simple things done. what originally would take me 2 hours to finish went from 11pm to 5am. i can barely remember what i want to say, i can’t do my daily work without being affected anymore.but still i’m too scared to ask the teacher for an extension, i’ve lost hope on communicating to family or friends, i’ve tried my best to be normal, i really did, really, but the effort goes into nothing. i’m completely drained, completely burned out. i’ve sunk to the bottom, again. no matter how hard i work i just can’t get the things […]

escapism or whatever, i just need to feel loved or something positive so desperately. there are certain books and mangas have been giving me these beautiful dopamine rush. i forget about who i am, where i am, and i drawn in the pleasant sensation that goes from my arms to my stomach, my back.

it feels so good, well, but just like every time, when you go under the sun and return back everything just feels dimmer than they originally are.

i’m physically attached to it, when it comes, almost like an asmr tingle, i float up in the clouds.but i won’t always get them. for now they […]

i’ve been wearing black turtle necks a lot because it’s warm for winter-i haven’t strangled in a while (not in a sexual way lol idk how people get off to that), i like it bc i dont like the feeling of getting my skin cut through or whatever, and it usually leaves less of a mark, but this time i did it and i guess bc i havent done it for a while i didn’t do it correctly (ig theres no correct way to do it i just have my way), and it left some thin marks and it was mediocre, i didnt even feel […]

10 days without feeling upset, or not feeling anything at all. i’ve been keeping my mouth shut. no part of me is on social media yet i’ve put up what other people see as “everything”, no part of me is true, not in reality, not online. when i used to feel things, i would post them on a close friends list, or write them down on my notes, just to remind myself i’m feeling that way, really stupid of me but that was how i coped for a while. the happiness, for half a night i would be almost high on happiness and drown in […]

dysfunctional family, mental illness, memories and memories and memories and memories i can’t escape from, i’ve died a long time ago.

words that don’t define who i am, i hear it from them every single day, i never expected understanding from anyone. the only thing worse is that they are occasionally, decent people, and they see it as if they’re granting me something i don’t deserve. i’m scared to tell them, they ask but they don’t listen and from experiences, countless times i tried, it’s never going to go through.

i’m not falling apart. i’m a plastic shell with shattered pieces, i never thought any of this […]

can you imagine?? i am alive, in this body, someone as disgusting, ugly, selfish, lazy, sensitive and stupid as me.

i wish i could disappear, from everyone’s memory. i can end this, i’m not afraid to (unless i have to slice my neck open or sth) but i can’t further on hurt them anymore. i’m never good enough when i exist, and i’ll continue to do the same even if i leave. i am tired of being trapped in this way of life, these roofs, this piece of sky and limited routes to certain locations, this head, this face, this mind. i can’t stand my thoughts. […]

wherever you’re at, how’s the weather?

i just had the worst anxiety attack of my life, everything is hurting, i can’t focus, everything feels too bright.

i’m slowly going insane and i can’t do anything about it, i can’t fight it anymore.

it’s not even depression anymore, i want to bring that ***** down with me.

yang shang qing huh?

hey guys, is there a way i can prevent my family members from committing suicide after my death?

a gap in-between the sky and land

a gap in-between you and i

a gap, as i gaze into my past as my past selves looks back to my past selves as it continues.

a gap in my head, memories flipping through, a gap in-between myself from time to times.

a shining light leading onto the place where i once saw as home.

a gap in-between my finger tips and yours.

a gap in my stomach.

a gap when i try to open my mouth.

a cell.

a gap in-between bars they call love.

looking for a gap in-between my neck.

i hate when people scream and laugh and yell w their face all red.

they’re so loud???how is it possible for them to be that unaware??’

i can’t take failures anymore, anything bad honestly. last weekend depression fucked me so hard i could barely get out of my bed.

stayed up to 5am to finish my essay, it’s late now, 50% marks.

i managed to fuck up the last class i was doing good in, i worked so hard to get a 94, my only A i think to be honest, nope fucked it up. i tried to get things better by doing school work, drawing, even eating. nothing helps, not the suicide prevention chats, not the nature, not recordings of myself out of the state of mind telling my future self that […]

the thoughts are getting too loud, i dont want to write anything about my life and why it is this way. i want to leave i need to leave suicide prevention chat doesnt work videos talking about everything will work doesnt do shit i can’t talk to anyone but i need to be here i can’t stay any longer but i need to or i’ll have to fucking ruin their lives i cant it hurts so bad i don’t care about the pain of suicide i need to leave i cant though i need to i cant i’m trapped here for the rest of my […]

48 kg, let’s see how low i can go