Every night I fall asleep thinking of what it is I wish I could have the most, at one point in time I wanted to be happy. And then I found happiness, I found myself falling in love with someone so completely imperfect. I knew that what it was that was between him and I wasn’t a reality because at the end of the day he fell asleep next to my sister, except on the many occasions that he fell asleep on the couch with me beside him. But in the end he was beside her, she got to call him “my boyfriend” I got to […]
Living with someone you don’t know is near impossible when it comes to staying sane. I love her because she is my sister, but I don’t know her. And in turn she doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know how it drives me insane when she pushes her son on me, it drives me crazy when I have to take the dog out when it’s not my dog and I don’t want it. It drives me insane when I sit alone in silence while she sits in silence with her boy friend who claims to have real feelings for me rather than any feelings for her. […]
Four months ago I was kicked out of my mothers house. Kicked out of a home that I was forced to hold my emotions and feelings back, where I was pushed aside and forgotten because my mother wanted to make a relationship work and that’s exactly where I am now, just with my sister and her boyfriend. Except this time she has her son who she would rather be a friend instead of a mother. And I have her pushing her son onto me every chance she has. There is way too much stress in this apartment.
Self mutilation has been an addiction of mine since I was a high school freshman. And it’s been a constant struggle to not do it for the past few months, but today the urge got really bad. I can feel it in my arms again, and that’s when I know it’s getting closer, last time I felt this I broke a mirror and used the glass to give into the urge. But today IÂ can feel it from my fingers to my shoulders all the way up to my neck, and I’m afraid of myself right now. I’m afraid of falling under again for the […]
Thanksgiving break just ended yesterday and I got to be home for five days, my first day back I did nothing. but the second day I spent sitting at home until my brother came to hang out for a few hours which was all good. Thursday was thanksgiving with my sisters family that I don’t know because we have different moms so it was awkward and all. But Friday was my favorite day of break and the reasoning behind why I am a horrible person. Friday I spent the day cleaning the apartment until my sisters boyfriend came home from work where we sat on […]
I recently moved into my dorm room, and I wasn’t given a roommate who actually planned to move into the room so I’ve got a room to myself. Many people have said that it’s great that I have the room to myself but in complete honesty it sucks. Everyone has someone to hang out with because they have a roommate and here I sit all alone. I don’t know where the girls on the floor went but they aren’t here and my depression is setting in. I miss my friends and I miss my sister and her son and her boy friend, I miss just […]
My sister let me move in with her, and she has her boyfriend who lives with her as well, and everything was fine when I first arrived. In fact I honestly thought it was amazing, I felt so free and wanted and I was happy. But then things just kept dragging on and on and today my sister came back home and told me that my actions have been hurting her boyfriend. I don’t mean to do any of this, I want him to be comfortable and happy in his home and I feel so beyond bad. I haven’t cried so much in so long. […]
A week ago I was kicked out of my mothers house by her and her boyfriend because I finally told her that I plan to move in with my elder sister, who my mother hates (she isn’t her mother though). Â So all in one afternoon I packed what I needed and I got out…. in the back seat of a cop car I had never felt so free.
That freedom continued for a few days until the other night I got home from work and I cried. I hated it so much that it made me regret moving here, not that I had anywhere else to […]
Today I got yelled at for forgetting to take something out of the wash. Yesterday I got yelled at for the failing grade I have in math. The yelling is always about me or towards me. That’s the only thing that’s me. Yet it’s not me, I don’t get to voice my opinion, because it’s always turned around. When I voice my opinion, she turns it and makes it seem like she’s always the victim. I’m sorry but I’m the one who’s always bing put down. I’m the one who hears every day how I do everything wrong. There are so many rules in this […]
I am so tired of the yelling. A trip to giant, Weis, and the drug store, turns into a yelling match as me and my brother put away the grocerys. He says one thing and then when she defends herself he starts to insult her. He told her to pack her stuff and get out. It’s never gotten this far. It’s been bad. But never this bad. So no he sits infront of the tv while she’s back in her room crying her eyes out. I knew we wouldn’t go a week without a fight. And there is nothing I can do about it. What […]
I can’t deal anymore.
I moved almost two months ago and sitting here in my room the same as every night and day, except this time somethings different. I’m having flashes, and I look up at the wall where the lamp is shining down on the paint. Light blue, like the carpet nine years ago. I can’t do this anymore. Being alone all the time, having nobody to talk to and distract me from old memories. I feel this sensation in my gut, and this dragging feeling from my shoulders down to my palms. I took the first cut in sophomore year. And then it […]
I think my mother is depressed. She rarely talks and when she does it to complain or to yell about something that went wrong, even the littlest things cause arguments or crying fit. I don’t know what to do to help her feel better.
The other day she told me if she had the money and means of doing so she would leave her boyfriend. She doesn’t love him anymore, and I can see that. he’s always yelling at her or making her feel stupid and she still defends him, she says that it’s because he’s in pain and he has lower testosterone levels, and […]
I have attended four highschools, all completely different. With completely new teachers, new classes, and new classmates. With each school year I’ve been that girl who rarely spoke, the girl who just went to school then went back home.I had no life, because I never opened up and allowed people to get close to me.
Every new school year my mother says I’ll find some new friends who won’t stab me in the back, but every time I’m invited to hang out, my mother says no. She claims it’s because she doesn’t know these people, and I think ‘how will you ever know them if […]
I read alot. Majority of the books I read I find on Wattpad an online place where you can upload your writing and read what others wrote. Recently I’ve been pulled in by books that always end in heart ache.
I just finished reading the novel “The Boy With the IV” by bellapotter_16. And I cried so hard for someone who doesn’t exist. I never knew how much cancer has affected my life directly, besides the fact that cancer is the reason I woke up one morning to find out my grandmother is dead. I was eleven, and never thought about what she was going […]
In all honesty I don’t know why I joined this site, I just sat down and typed “such a disappointment” into my browser and some how I got here. And now that I am here I think I have something worth saying. What that is I don’t know yet, but I guess I’m working on it.
I’ve never actually attempted suicide, but I have considered it. I’m sorry if that offends people who have attempted suicide and use this site as a way to voice themselves and their experiences. But just because I haven’t put myself on deaths door step doesn’t mean I havent felt […]