heartlessviking

When I woke up this morning I had an email, and it said that the Social Work job wasn’t taking me. It’s a form letter, which I’m not sure if makes it any better.

So….. yeah. I was hoping I’d be less dissappointed, but I don’t run the show there obviously. There are other counties with the same job, so it’s not even the end of the road on that job. I have decided I was overly honest, people don’t want truth, they want what they expect to hear.

I won’t be right back at it again until next week, at the earliest. I want to get […]

and even as I type that I realize my anxiety comes out in unexpected ways. It’s a weird headspace I’m in about it, and I’m writing it down because chances are WHATEVER happens in the morning, I won’t remember what this felt like. Call it trauma, call it ADHD, I don’t care, big events wipe clear hours and sometimes days before they happen for me.

I took today for me, was feeling a little over manic yesterday. I did a ton of cleaning over the two days after I got the interview request, then I had nightmares about being instutitionalized. Maybe this thing I’m calling mania […]

I’m still buzzing, it has been a day.

First thing I did today was go get my oil changed. I only had $75 for it, so I ended up opting for the discount package because it’s $50, but while they were getting ready to change it they broke the dipstick on my car. Then they offered to replace it and bump me up to the $90 oil change which is the one I really wanted. I had to wait a bit, but I count that as a win.

Then part of the reason I was being cheap at that was that I wanted to grab a coffee […]

sometimes I’m going to look for something else, then I find stuff. Very few people in my real life would understand my connection to this song.

If it weren’t for my delusions I’d have nothing to believe. Damn you Haywood Banks, stop being so damn accurate about life

it’s only fair I share the song that convinced me that this guy is probably a pretty achievable goal for me to become

Damn I wish my hair would grey or go white, I’d look like a mash up between this guy and Leon Russell

Also feel it would only be fair to share what I was looking for, The Good […]

I think if I could dissolve all the complex aspects of my life, of what I don’t get, of what I’m trying to, it’s this song. Roy Orbison was one of the most amazing human beings to walk this Earth. He endured so much tragedy, struggled so much, but by all reports was the sweetest person you could ever hope to meet. This was his last song, he died shortly after completing the music video.

and there’s just something in the quality of his voice. You know why it trembles like that? That vibratto is caused by his stage fright, yes even after decades performing he […]

I don’t generally go in for making New Years resolutions, most of them sound kind of lame; lose weight, eat better, exercise…. January is a horrible time to do all of those, and if you need to do them you probably need to start as soon as you realize it.

But I got one this year, and it’s because I happen to be making changes at the same time as the new year rolls around. I’ve resolved to make more progress than I’ve made in the last few years to get out of this awful town. It’s different this time because I have a plan, a […]

I may have found another path that I can do without the danger of relocating, but I have to wonder if I’m being brave or stupid.

The whole finding the job in my dream location has gotten me back on the social work path. There frankly aren’t a lot of options for someone with a psychology degree who doesn’t want to live in the city. Not that the city is working so well either, but cities in general are getting expensive. It’s why this move is the smart financial decision, that is the move out of state and outside of major metro areas. The social work […]

I had the strength to look at a job listing today. It’s hard for a lot of people to understand, but this is more optimism than I’ve felt in a long time. I haven’t worked for a year. The thing about it is that even though I’m qualified, it is a reach, most jobs that would interest me are. I’m sick of building up my career with low level jobs. For perspective my field is public health, mental health, especially involving children. I’m looking at going back to social work, A; because I think I’m good at it, B; because it’s one of the few […]

I don’t think I realized or at least admitted to myself how much I depend on this place. I know I’m warm and thankful, but what most people don’t know is that’s my default reaction to anything that lasts

but I had a nightmare last night, and it started with me loading the main page here. The site was overrun by spam and junk content. No thoughtful posts, no screaming into the void, no musings on the nature of existence. And it seemed so real, because it happened once, I don’t know if anyone is still around that remembers it. Some particularly awful trolls managed to […]

sometimes something is sublimely satisfying, and I want to try and share it. That’s where I screw up, no one cares, no one wants to know about it

This time it’s an obscure mythos out of a remote tribe of Native Americans. They’d come back from their vision quest, and they were advised not to try and share what they saw on the vision quest, that most people wouldn’t understand. Or maybe no one cared. The only ones proported to understand were the white haired elders. Old people will talk to young people about anything, essentially.

It just fascinates me what deep meaning these tribes had. Europeans […]

Earlier, I felt like a fictional character was saying things that only an output of my brain would say. See, that’s my tell, when people who have no business knowing things I know start saying them, there’s a fair chance I’m in a dream or hallucination.

Then, lying in bed just now, I couldn’t settle down to go to sleep. Those words kept gnawing at me, in the way only horrible things I tell myself can gnaw at me. Then I started to come up with wild ideas, just trying to chase the fear of losing myself off

then I got up and took some more sleeping […]

I say bastard only for the phrase, though Kafka did womanize quite a bit… but it was the early 20th century, perhaps he can be forgiven for his time. He is, or was, very lucky though. Like many of us he was unimpressed and uninspired by the life offered to him. He worked at an insurance company doing claims adjustment, but at a relatively young age was pensioned off. Why? Because he had tuburculosis and at the time that was a terminal diagnosis.

He died at the relatively young age of 40. I could do that, five more years. He died very obscure, and came to […]

This is the lyric that has been bothering me more and more. What excited me once? Why was it insufficient to soothe my chaos?

because I was intoxicated, with hope, and visions of a future. Maybe it follows that I might assume it could cure what ails me.

I feel so empty and alone right now. I thought I’d take the day to tend myself, and this is the outcome. Is it any wonder I don’t look forward to the task of tending myself?

and every time I think to trust in something, it turns out to be an illusion, gone like it was never there. No matter […]

If anyone reads this, I want them to know how strongly I considered not writing it. Just, starting with that out there. When I realized that was avoiding my feelings, I decided to write it. Time will tell if that was a good decision.

There’s so much to unpack, I’ve been chronically ill most of my life. On several occasions I managed to pull myself together, and if that’s all there was to it I wouldn’t be here right now, as in writing this. I pumped myself full of optimism and good brain chemicals and took another shot at life. It even sort of worked for […]

okay, part one; I’ve had a splitting headache all day, so I’ve had painkillers and feel weird in general, and maybe that’s all that is going on

but this isn’t the first time, I’m craving a drug I’ve never had. Not going to get graphic about it, but I have visualization fantasies about doing a particularly dangerous drug, and how does that work? I’ve never done it, and realistically I probably never will. This isn’t how I understand you get into such things… like isn’t it supposed to be a slipperty slope from legal or semi legal stuff? Most addicts I’ve met have done it to […]

As I sit here, anhedonia set in about an hour ago, and there’s not much to do then apart from sit and think. I mean, there’s tons of stuff to do, I just don’t feel like I’m doing it, works great for chores, but it’s too late to be ambitious like that.

Funny thing, you fence something off, sooner or later that fence is gonna tempt ya, or is it just me?

I haven’t had a job in a year, haven’t tried for anything since August. It’s somewhat intentional, I’m still pretty POed about the last few attempts I made at working. I mean my last job […]

Last night, whew, one of the most frightening in this home. Also, anyone who thinks I should be fine, having a home, I’d like them to try living with a back fence neighbor like Mitch. Oh yeah, learned  his name this week, from one of his neighbors, and found out that stealing utilities and literally anything not nailed down is only one small part of his criminal empire, which also includes meth. Fun!

So last night I’m trying to play DnD with friends online, and my wife hears a scream from the back yard. I didn’t realize the headphones I had muffled everything, but I did […]

I read disturbing stories, often just looking for something to feel. Usually it’s horror. So if horror specifically dealing with suicidal people sounds like a yuck thing, bail, nothing else of value here.

BTW, before I get into my hypothetical, if you’re looking for a full length book on the subject, The Black Farm is both substantially disturbing, and dealing with suicide. I need to reread that. The guy wrote a sequel, but I’m less than enthused about that.

It’s the first story in the collection You Know It’s True by JR Hamantaschen , a story called; “I should have been a pair of ragged claws / […]

I’ve been doing a lot of study on the last time things changed in my country, turned around, and why. So let me take you back a hundred years

Everyone was bad at fighting World War 1. England was bad at it, so was France and even Germany. There are myread reasons behind this, mostly that European armies had more experience in the last century fighting colonial wars, that is wars to prop up their various colonies. Most of the wars of the previous century were fought at sea, but this resulted in everyone overprepping naval assets and neglecting troops and land logistics. So the first […]

Right, I get that life is general is pointless, all of us are on a one way trip to the grave and whatnot, general existential BS….. and that’s a great defense, not even going to fight that part

but being a disinterested zen master is still beyond me. I’m working on it….. today in therapy I reached a lot deeper than I thought I would, ever. I talked about how angry and cheated I feel…… and it really comes back to the pointlessness of effort

because my therapist asked if I would go back to work, and I responded; that isn’t up to me. If someone could […]