heartlessviking

I’m buzzing a bit on dopamine from the last few hours of this game, so this is my disclaimer of that. I could be full of it, as far as this particular mindset of mine working. Dopamine makes you think you have good ideas, and some times you don’t. That’s what makes one manic, excess dopamine, all the ideas seem like good ones. The reason it’s such a dark dive…. is that many ideas aren’t good, and unfortunately our brains use chemicals to signal that.

Seriously, it’s kind of screwed up that humans spend so much time fiddling with their dopamine and seratonin levels…. but that’s […]

I loved him as much as I could ever love a dog that didn’t live in my house. His name was Bernie, and today we found him dead. God, it’s all so matter of fact…. there’s still a part of me that wants to fight it. The denial of death has never been more real, I tried to do CPR, but it was too late. I held him and I wailed. He was only three years old, […]

I very seriously thougbt about hunting down the original post, but for several reasons including how older posts don’t seem to get revisited often, this is where I’m putting the update.

I’ve officially submitted the paperwork to drop out of grad school, after a second semester start that undermined my faith in the process. The supposed drop with no cost date is Friday, so I have to keep pushing until then else I owe $25k…… That’s a car, what grad school is worth more than a car. Literally my most expensive car, my F250 truck which has had a transmission rebuild, full suspension rebuild, and numurous […]

I don’t know why I keep thinking I’m going to get a better outcome, especially out of people who lie to me. We’re barrelling down the last few days before classes, and I STILL don’t have funding. They’re more than happy for me to take out a $25,000 loan……. I can’t afford it. That’s a HUGE bet on a job market that has done nothing other than kick the living daylights out of me every time I’ve tried it. All in, I’d double my total debt load, and I can’t.

and people keep acting like it was me that went to THEM with some great dream […]

heh, it’s funny to me, how easy it is to forget what I’ve been running from. Easy isn’t the right word, it took me nine years to get to the point of rolling back that which helped me forget, namely really powerful medications. Power is the thing, the obsession, the part of myself that has terrified me. It was brought back to me by an author I thought was dead, writing a story about giving into a desire to be used, to be drawn to an irresistable force. My whole life, that’s been the holy grail.

Of course part of it is fantasizing about becoming such […]

Then, after months of going on my own, I went back to the therapist, and then the doctor, in two days….

I’ve successfully shaken off lithium. The taper that worked was x/1/x/2/x/3/x/4/x, with x representing a normal dose, the numbers representing the days without…. and it was hard, brutal, and I probably wouldn’t have made it if a couple times family was pushing me and I said; “It’s either the taper or what you are asking, is what you are asking more important than me getting off lithium?” The answer was always the taper, to the credit of my friends and family.

even as slow as my […]

I’ve been marinating on this for a week, because of pushback I’ve gotten here, and elsewhere. Yet again, my feelings and attitudes are offensive to those I profess to care about. There’s something in it that’s just being counter cultural, when the world appears to me optimistic, I can’t trust it, I become pessimistic…. but the reverse holds as well, when the world feels doomed, I feel pretty good about where my life is going.

It’s not being out of touch, because it happens in fact in reaction to my perception. Part of it is social, when the world is going to heck plenty of people […]

Which is why I sunk into depression to begin with….. I’m not motivated to want a lot of the BS products on the market…. most things I have to make for myself

but then I get into the cost….. and it’s more than I’ve got, almost always.

I don’t know if it’s unjust or not being denied it, but it’s frustrating because I feel like all people want from me is some desire towards things, some kind of interest in engaging with the world…. and when I do come up with something…. oh no that’s too much. So you want me to get out of my bed […]

Man, if linking whatever new conflict appears in my life with something I already wrote was a monatizable skill…. I’d be capable of earning money, ha.

there are things I can’t fix though, and that’s the current theme of my life. I wrote the devil outlet bit earlier…. and I still stand by it. It’s just, does anyone else get those posts about not cluttering up the site? It feels like it’s important to the site admins, and so in the interest of conserving the public resource of front page space, sometimes I just add to an existing post.

Compared with the devil outlet though, there are […]

all of the below assumed I had my parents support. Apparently not.

I’ve tried everything I can to make good, to make this work, and I can’t. I’m going after disability, because getting off these meds requires a financial and emotional stability they can’t provide. I can’t taper down, I can’t go to grad school, and I can’t get a job. That’s disabled. Oh well if that makes them ashamed of me, I tried SO HARD to do what they wanted.

they apparently hit “fuck it” today, so I did too. Fuck all the way off if you think that this human will ever function again.

It’s an […]

My legs hurt like hell, still, from Monday afternoon when I last crawled around my attic to work on the security system

OH, and I broke a $15 hole saw…. which was frustrating. Then when I went to the store to get a cheaper version I could not get anyone to help me with it. It occurs to me as strange, when I go to the electronics store I’m swarmed with employees, and I know what I’m doing THERE….. but I’m still figuring out some stuff at the hardware store…. there are still tools I’ve never bought or only bought once.

It makes me wonder what will […]

in addition to keeping my dog with me 100% of the time, today I broke down and bought a CCTV system, security cameras

for those who missed the intro story; my neighbor is trying to steal natural gas, when he does he creates leaks which endanger everyone nearby, which includes my wife, my dog, and oh yeah, me. Two cats and two other dogs too, but those are technically surplus in my logbook.

I’m stubborn and old though. Not that old, 35, but stubborn I’ve got […]

earlier today I spied the exit door, but instead I saw it as a threat to my family….. and now I feel truly awful for slamming the damn thing

I could be dead now, people would be shopping for coffins, instead of offering feeble comfort. My back fence neighbor is committed to stealing natural gas, and if that was all it was good on him trying to beat the system,

but every time he tries he introduces danger into the equation and risks my life and property into the bargain. To think it might have been as easy as lighting a match….. I’m trying to convince myself […]

last night, ugh. I’ve been trying to lower my dose accross the board, particularly with sleep trying to get to sleep with the least physically possible. Specifically this is because of my distaste for the limitations of lithium, but all of my sleep meds cause problems in my waking life.

and with two setbacks in a week…. it’s time to admit my approach isn’t working. I was also trying tapering down my day meds, since it’s a huge interconnected mess, and I’d like to be free entirely. Turns out that 11 years of medicating isn’t that easy to reverse. The last time I did it, at […]

Last 24 hours has been a bit, much, really last 48 but up until 24 hours ago I thought I had it under control.

Where to start? Where to start?

I’m trying to taper back on my meds, feeling that desire for sobriety again….. and I was making progress first couple days at it….. then last night…. last night

I’m giving it lots of build up, it should be a little thing. A friend of mine is chronically spiralling, and the rest of the friend group kind of expects me to fix it…. but he won’t go to the doctor, and therapist is so far a lot of […]

and that’s my open, a big f-you to the concept of holidays. Well wishes of course to people who actually enjoy them, but also, what’s the deal with that?

I hate holidays. It’s like “here’s your only assured day off, also lots expected of you on that day”….. maybe it’s just me? I hear this complaint about Christmas, but I’ve upped my game for dealing with Christmas, I dissassociate from the whole concept for a good two months, celebrate, then go back to dissassociating. So my Christmas really lasts two days, and I can  deal with that.

But it’s July 4th and around here that means it’s […]

I can sum up my entire justification for being as I am in this one clip, because I happen to believe that you can either be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant, and Jimmy Stewart got it right, pleasant is the better way to go

He spends the entire movie in a sort of wonderful indifference to everyone who talks to him, I’d like to be that way, sometimes I succeed.

Harvey is the only movie I know of that’ll always make me smile, and sometimes bask in the silly thought that by being more interested in rabbits than in people, Jimmy Stewart has mastered his […]

So I went to the doctor on Tuesday, the head doctor, only doctor I go to. I got a PA, which is always an adventure. This one was decent, I’m not complaining. Rather, new provider, I’ve got to give her the gist of what’s going on with me. What’s going on with me? Sleep problems, eating problems, a couple severely suicidal moments in the past two weeks. Not particularly suicidal right now, because I’d have to care to be that.

My heart broke for her a bit, she tried to cheer me up,  “Hey I see you got into *prestigious university*, that’s awesome” and I’m like […]

not getting into methods, just some biology about what I understand causes people to die

Everyone dies from lack of oxygen to the brain, be it heart failure (heart stops pumping blood, your brain stops receiving it, vital oxygen deprived and goodbye you), liver failure, kidney failure or systemic infection. Even respiratory distress ultimately comes down to the oxygen not being absorbed in the lungs, so it can’t be provided in sufficient quantities to your brain, and so you die.  Heck, even nervous system damage is not so serious until it ceases to provide the right signals to your lungs and heart, and whichever mechanism leads […]

So, I was ready to go home….. Then the power company pulled the rug out…. Now I am as low as I have been… Doubt sleep will come…… I really want to die RN….. Thinking about waiting until everyone goes to sleep, I can come up with something….. Me being alive is a problem I can solve… Unlike the rest of them

I had worked so hard just to get to holding it together, and now even that was chasing the wind … Mirages… Common to people long in the desert or at sea, Fata morgana as they call it, after Arthurian legend that almost definitely […]