heartlessviking

Adjusting parameters is pretty much all I’ve ever done that has challenged me. It’s why I took to programming and software so well, because it follows simple A + B = C or A -B =C. If you know two variables, you know the third one for those a little rusty on their algebra.

Down from the esoteric logic of the process, I’ll explain using the sample of the problem I’m working on right now. Set A = base state (at this point that means medications as prescribe, normal activity levels), and B = stimulant levels, because that’s a very easy to adjust variable that also […]

after years of toxic positivity, I find myself in need of discouragement talks every now and then.

This morning the temptation was rising to go back to electrical work, which on the surface seems innocent. I thought about how I enjoyed solving those problems, and getting the appropriate tools. I thought to myself “maybe it was just that employer”

but my gut knows better. My gut reminded me of how much pain it was, working for incompetent people. It reminded me of the hours doing stupid stuff,  like running metal pipes for wire to go through. It reminded me how I always felt tired and I couldn’t […]

Apart from what consumption I manage, I feel as though I’m already dead. Dead minus the expensive parts; coffins, funerals, etc all are unnecessarily expensive and thus some days it’s just my frugality keeping me from snuffing it.

So I’m nominally alive, that is to say in medical terms, but not in any meaningful philosophic way.

I have some money, I don’t have anything I want to spend it on. Meanwhile there are things I want, but they are so out of my price range…. like where am I going to get $10k, the low end for unoccupied undeveloped land. What I want most right now is […]

at the same time as it is the problem, it’s the only solution I have, avoiding life that is. Like when I talk to the suicide hotline… or a therapist… it all comes down to how well am I avoiding triggers, which now most of life is filled with.

It’s Monday, it’s supposed to be my productive day, and I just can’t engage with almost anything. I want to, but I don’t know how to make that happen. I had an image waking up today; an ostrich with it’s head buried in the sand. That’s me. Looks pretty stupid.

Thus far I filled out some forms…. but […]

I don’t know how common this situation is; as I start to build my energy level back up it takes all the self control I’ve got to avoid going manic. I have to examine every single thing, is it advancing my goals or is it activity because I’m anxious and resent silence and stillness? More often the second thing.

Then, in the stillness, there is the temptation to sink back towards depression. Is a healthy middle ever going to be easier?

Of course it can, but will it? I used to be so sure, if I put my weight behind something, within reason, it seemed certain it […]

Three times this week, I’ve gotten emails about jobs that think I’d be a good fit and they want me to apply. Then they set up time consuming obstacles in the process. The first, a cover letter, like who REQUIRES a cover letter? If I’m such a good fit I shouldn’t have to beg.

The second, some forms. Again I almost complied, and thought “No, if they are demanding more than is reasonable NOW, what kind of employment relationship does that set up?”

The third one though, really takes the cake. They want me to take a 9 hour drive and stay overnight in another city, all […]

Isn’t it something that you can say something is a metaphor and most people will take it as is, rather than discussing how accurate it is, probably part of why I’m so lonely. I’m big on metaphor, which is more direct than I feel like I should be. Last therapist and I worked on that word a lot “should”… but we never got around to why the way it shouldn’t be… if that makes sense. Even my wife sometimes needs me to explain the meaning of words I use…. how’s that for solitude?

Grant, it is theoretically more alone to not have someone….. but it’s a […]

I don’t know if I’ve ever given as far into medications as I have this past year. Like borderline abusing medications, getting as medicated as I could so I didn’t have to feel. I’m not even sorry about any of that. I think that was the right move.

Lately though, the cost is getting to me. For one no sex drive, and I’m married to someone I love, I have things I could do if I had a sex drive. The other thing is that my energy level is constantly low right now. I thought I was just unmotivated, but I just feel tired all the […]

for the record, never found support for this, and I’ve been looking.

I was raised in high achievement culture. Put it this way, I only made friends with weirdos and outcasts, and most of the people I grew up around ended up pretty damn successful. I say all this to say I’m the runt of the litter, the black sheep who despite fine breeding and training still ended up almost useless.

And again; this is something I’ve never found another likewise afflicted. The pressure, to be something, somebody….. it’s unreal.

Today it hit me in the gut again, because once again I demonstrated my ability to adapt and […]

It’s that time of year, talked to my psychiatrist today. I’m at the point in my life I see him four times a year, on average for the past three. We don’t tinker alot with my loadout. You know what’s fun? Normally I’d be really paranoid talking about my loadout, but none of you know my actual name or anything about me, so I can go full bore.

[Addendum to security nuts. I know I can be traced by the truly determined. I write too much for that to be a particularly interesting task. Relative bulk is part of my strategy]

since few apart from me care […]

if there is one peculiar thing, it’s how celebrity suicides are handled. We were talking earlier about the note and the utility of framing your own death. Well Tom T. Hall didn’t leave a note. No one definitively knows why this 85 year old man killed himself.

In fact, it didn’t come out until well after that it even was a suicide. And that is the note that EVERY STORY ABOUT IT covers… OMG he was a country music legend, and isn’t it sad etc etc etc

Country music and depression go hand in hand in the United States, I don’t get how any country star dying […]

I’ve been trying to find a way to frame it and wrap my head around this whole thing. For me there are two critical spectrums in a job; ethics and compensation. Less ethics should equal greater compensation, seems like a given. More ethics, less compensation.

Except I’ve worked for some of the most morally bankrupt people…. and I’m broke…. it’s not like I had any kind of luxury lifestyle. And I can’t afford to work somewhere that I find morally rewarding anymore either.

It kind of built up for me, I watch a lot of movies where the main character is a hit man. Like, if that […]

k, things adjusted back the other way, and I feel relatively “normal” for me.

First, completely goobered the job fair sitch. I didn’t have the energy to push my wife to come with me, and then I was so wrecked I didn’t go either. She needs her resume, but we got in a sort of argument/discussion about how she really doesn’t know what she wants to do or who she is. I suggested therapy and meds, and she didn’t like those options. After all, they aren’t exactly “working” for me. IDK, I guess I’m still committed enough to going through the motions…. I’m trying. It doesn’t […]

First I want to recommend a game I’ve been playing that is amazing in how good it is at relaxing me. It’s called Dorfromantic and it’s on Steam. It was marketed to me as a puzzle game, which it is, but you’re putting together a landscape and how you do it changes every time. You complete certain goals, you get more tiles.

Anyway the dark side of that is that I’ve lost about five hours today playing it. I can barely remember…. it’s legit lost time. Is that a bad thing? I’ve also been wondering if there are diminishing returns on escapism, like there are only […]

Just got my desktop to work again, though it’s not at 100%, but the point is I’m starting to feel a bit less disconnected, that sort of scared that I might have to do without long term.

it’s like I always say; little steps. Make a bit of progress, be satisfied with it. The second part is the one I’m still working on

I know we don’t talk methods, but this here is a method that doesn’t kill, it just…. relocates. So my body is going to be all hell to try and kill. Lots of people are attached to it/would get upset if it wasn’t alive anymore.

I had this idea a few decades ago, but I didn’t have all the code for it. The idea of metacognition is to reprogram your own brain, and finally with a BS in psychology and computer science, I think I might just manage it.

The idea is to lift the back wall. Escape sanity, not life. I was just reviewing my music […]

a small part of me is happy that my anxiety was vindicated, hit a snag in the Desktop work… now I don’t have it, spent a whole day working my butt off, and nothing, not yet anyway. I’m not saying it’s a lost cause, just more than I can take on, and it hurts.

Which is that hollowed out feeling. I feel like a Jack=O-Lantern, outwardly I don’t look too bad. Inside….. rot, deep and expanding rot. I keep smiling because I know the time will come soon that I can’t. I keep working because I know my capacity is waning. It feels literally like I’m […]

Did you know Garfield was in fact a cynical cash grab on behalf of it’s creator? well now you do, he was an ad man and figured out that he could create a character people relate to by making it a cat who hates mondays.

On an only slightly more cheerful note, there’s a song called “I don’t like Mondays” that was released by the band Boomtown Rats. It tells the story of a young girl who decided to walk into her former school and did a mass shooting. When asked why she did what she did, she said; “I don’t like Mondays, I wanna shoot […]

I make no secret my disillusionment regarding mental healthcare in the United States, and I know from many of you that you’ve had a tough time getting good treatment as well.

With that in mind, a US senator has checked himself into the hospital for depression. Maybe it’s just interesting to political junkies like me, but I’m curious how it makes you feel. Not getting into any political BS, just a point of interest that a public figure has willingly checked in, and admitted to the public that it’s due to depression.

I know for my part, it’s hard to imagine someone that successful experiencing something similar […]

One factor is definitely the Super Bowl, in my social circles it is a big deal and I just don’t care.

The one I want to deal with though, is harder to face. It’s surrounding a symptom I’ve been experiencing for the past few years. Sometimes, when I’m really upset, I shake uncontrollably. It’s not something I like people to know, it’s something I’ve kept as hidden as I can.

Today on social media there is a video making the rounds of a young lady shaking while driving. Every time I see it, I feel so alone and isolated. I can’t talk about my shaking with these […]