Saturday, 17 Sept 2022
I wish I was kidnapped, or at least had cancer. Perhaps then I would have found meaning in my life, something to live for.
Mine is an empty existence. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing to leave behind. Not even words…
I don’t know if the people I knew are still here. I hope they are doing well. I first came to Suicide Project on 2012 or 2013. Since then, I went to university, graduated, bought two cars, built myself a nice house and now I own an accounting firm. Still, I keep coming back here occasionally.
And how here I am again. I can’t escape from this fate… This is where I belong.
I mean, what is there to expect anymore? What is there to hope about? Love, family and friendship have died long ago. Money also I don’t have.
Life is a balance between relationships and money, right? You see very wealthy people and they claim they are lonely, mature successful people who are unmarried and childless, etc, the people who say that money can’t buy happiness. Yes you don’t have happiness, but you have money.
And on the other hand you see a homeless person, or a generally poor person, with 5 kids or whatever, with family warmth. Sure they do struggle to pay the bills but […]
Seeing them all waiving at me cheerfully as I stood there to receive my tax consultant license. I have passed the exam and gotten my license. They were all clapping and joyful. The only thoughts in my mind is that I have failed. I am a failure.
You should have told me from early on that I’m a have-not. Perhaps then I wouldn’t have lost so much. Perhaps then I wouldn’t have even tried so hard to get cum laude on my undergraduate degree, pass my certification exams, obtain my license. What is the point of all if in the end I am and will always […]
I envy people who are dying with cancer. I wish i could just go to bed and wake up the next day with cancer. Then I don’t have to cope up with this bullsh*t of a life anymore.
I was strong, i was brilliant. Now i am a failure. I have a degree, i am certified to do my job, i had a high-paying job but I was unsatisfied with the salary. Greed. I quit that job and i started my own business and failed. It hasn’t been going really well now. With the cash I have invested in the business i can last at most […]
My first post in this site was around 2012.
You don’t forget who you are. Though I have given up the razor, nothing actually has changed. I have always belonged to the dark, and darkness is part of me. No matter how far away I’ve gone, in the end I will occasionally return to this… suicide project.
Happy 10th anniversary, my dearest light. Nothing has changed. Love you the same. Always.
Then one day I woke up from a really nice dream and realized I had no one to tell it to. That incident brought a big change to my soul. Everything became clear. Why this thing happened, why that thing happened. No one was ever there for me when I needed them, so why should I sacrifice even a minute of my life for someone else? I am determined. Not a single second of my life will be spent making others happy. If this makes me an antagonist, or a public enemy, or whatever you call it, let it be. It has been 21 years […]
I am taking a break from life. A fierce battle enraged inside me lately, and I found all my faith almost shattered. It left me to question the days ahead. I’ve decided to take a break. Reconsider things. Find answers. To what, I don’t know. Find a part of me which is lost. Which part, I don’t know. I’m struggling to find some sense. Hold on to what’s left of the sanity in me. To heal, maybe. You know, just like back then. Cut off all my ties with the world. I may or may not be able to fix the strings afterwards. I need […]
I don’t want to and I’ve said I will not, at least till the next 10 years. But the way things are going I think I may end up doing it some time soon.
It has been 3 and a half years since I came here. I was so close to death, to cutting my self, I slept so close to the razor under my pillow, I walked the deepest pits of hell.
I am a survivor.
When I look back, funnily, I don’t see darkness. I don’t see pain.
I see life. I see struggles. I see beauty.
If you hold on long enough, one day you will look back and realize the beauty of all struggles. You will see that the truest form of living is the one which is closest to death. That the brightest light is the one […]
I am sad. It feels like the ocean waves rolled over and hit me on and on again, leaving me to sting all over. The pain pricks through the deepest parts of my soul. Angela, you spoke as if you were to die soon. You spoke as if what’s left of your life is very short and you want to spend it with your loved ones… You sounded so broken. And it hurts me. This pain, which has been existing for the past seven years, today resurfaced and hit me hard. Really hard. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Where is the young ambition? […]
Pretty soon the time is coming for me to leave. I began doing things to ensure that I will lead a peaceful life ahead. I deleted all useless photos, chats and notes. I am spending the last six weeks breaking every bond I have with another human being. For all traces to be removed, and there will not be a single hint as to my existence in the light. I am not popular so no one will care when I’m gone. I don’t have friends or loved ones here so one will be sad. No party is needed because no one will attend. No goodbyes […]
Memories are fresh in my mind as if it was yesterday. Exactly two years ago, we were sitting and folding the clothes into the container, chatting excitedly about the days ahead. We enjoyed going to the supermarket so much and made a list of the things to buy. We prepared a lot of things to start living on our own. Exactly that morning of September 2013, we were speeding under the hot sun, towards the future yet unknown, leaving everything else behind. It was exactly this time of that year that we, young and foolish, abandoned the dank room, the jealous accusations, the fearsome […]
I gradually begin to understand that love is beyond time and age. No matter how old the person we love becomes, we still fight for their happiness and see everyday with them as a gift to cherish. And there is happiness that comes along with every single day that passes.
There is a lot more to love I am yet to learn. And with you, I am learning, step by step, every single day.
Addendum of Shone Lexter
“Angela cried again. The beads of tears flowing down her cheeks. She didn’t let out a single sound. Her tears, I dislike the most. Then all over again, I found my reason to live. I found a reason to fight. I’ll have to learn to let go of everything else and just focus on Angela. I need to make that sad soul happy… To bring laughter to her lips… To give her strength in every breath she takes. I have to stop being selfless. I need to start fighting for my priority, and not let even time and space stop me… No […]
Someone who has a loving family would live to make his/her family happy.
Someone who has love would live to protect them.
But what would be the purpose of life for someone who is broken, battered, unloved? Tell me, what is the purpose of me living?
My life is a collection of twisting, winding paths. Most are dark, lonely, stormy, fiery, and led me to anger, hatred, pain, sorrow, loneliness, and fear. But there was this one particular road, full of colorful roses on either side, and led me to warmth, light, hope, beauty, content, laughter, smile, love and happiness. To know that once upon a time, I walked down this path under the warmth of the pretty blue sky, danced under the rain, and prayed under the thousand stars of the summer sky. That once upon this path I ran with laughter across the green pastures, and as I dozed […]
And that night, I turned my face towards the wall and cried. For the first time in my life I hated Shone. Hated him for blinding me, for tricking me into foolishly believing that life is a beautiful field of roses… that love is a wondrous bond. Hated myself for the choices I’ve made. Hated for being born. Hated my body for functioning normally. Hated everyone around me. Hatred surged through my veins, hot and angry, pulsing with every breath I take.
I want to die. I have to die. I will not stand another day, another night. I will not enter the hellhole in […]
To Angela
Angela, this may be the last letter I write to you. I guess my time here is up. I’m sorry for everything… I didn’t mean to lie to you. This life is no fairy tale. This life is not a garden of sweet roses… rather, it is an fearful enigma of pain and sorrow. I thought that I could save you… give you happiness once and for all… but I am merely just a fantasy. I am fake. And though I have reached the crevice where I couldn’t reach out to you and pull you close to my chest again, but I need you […]
There’s no walking out. We talked about the fiery deepest pits of hell. But even above here is also a fiery hell.
I don’t need to open the score anymore. I don’t need to study anymore. Or watch the news. Or take up any examination. It won’t make a difference. The end is crystal clear.
When you said my life would be in the dumps, I didn’t think you were serious.
So that is why my mother never put much hope in me. This life is a mess, and no amount of investment will change it.
That house, this house, that room, this room. It’s […]
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