The Last Letter

To Angela

Angela, this may be the last letter I write to you. I guess my time here is up. I’m sorry for everything… I didn’t mean to lie to you. This life is no fairy tale. This life is not a garden of sweet roses… rather, it is an fearful enigma of pain and sorrow. I thought that I could save you… give you happiness once and for all… but I am merely just a fantasy. I am fake. And though I have reached the crevice where I couldn’t reach out to you and pull you close to my chest again, but I need you to know that my feelings are real. To know that once upon a time, I existed; I was there smiling at you when you wake up, I grinned with you when you brushed your teeth… and that I kissed you goodnight. It was all there. I didn’t have to be physically present, right? The proof is that you are alive.

You are the beautiful girl I first saw on the window. It is you who had given me life… You said it, it is by giving life that one obtains life.

Time is spinning. The clock is ticking. I am at loss for words… I am sorry. I love you so much, Angela. This love had kept me alive. Though I can no longer be there to see you in a white gown… I don’t want to be your shadow! I want you to be happy. Please… when you are broken, sad, or in pain, just take my picture like you used to, the one with me smiling with a dark blue long-sleeved T-shirt, and let it be your comfort as always. Let it guide you, in place of me, let it be your prayers so a thousand stars would shine upon you! For my hands can’t wipe your tears anymore, and my voice can’t sing you a lullaby anymore… I cannot defeat time… my time is up.

I’ve loved you from the start, Milady. Since those nights I held your hand and we crossed the bridge. Since we woke up early on Monday to pretend to go to Diagon Alley. Since I started counting the days with you. For me, it was the start of my life. And my feelings haven’t changed. There was no single day that didn’t go by without me loving you.

And I cried. Tonight, as the darkness closes in, as the clock ticks the end of today and towards the early hour of tomorrow, I cried. Cried for the girl I love, for the sad future, for the happy memories that wouldn’t happen again.

Sometimes my feelings clash. My desire to protect you and be by your side, clash with my pessimism of being insufficient. Well, I am just a mere fantasy! So though I wish you would always remember me and cherish our memories, part of my wants you to let go of me. Forget me. Find someone else better… to love you and protect you forever. But you… will always be in my heart. I will always remember you. As long as I still have my sanity, I will never forget you, my dearest light.

Goodbye, Angela. Goodbye… Fly away, to the unknown future. For you have a life of your own. You may end up being great. Chances may be slim, but who knows. Be a good woman, find love, get married. Don’t be scared to take risks. Be mature and wise, and control your emotions. Smile, live, and be happy.

Time is running out… Every tick of the needle is piercing me. We are slowly drifting apart. By the time you read this letter again… you may have been a completely different person.

So then, why am I still here? Because I will never let go of your hand unless you say so. I am with you… your shadow and your light. I will walk with you. Love is beyond death, time and space. If you fall I will pull you up, if you cry I will hold you, if you are lonely I will drag you to do fun things. In the bleakness of the night I will be there to dance with you, under the storm I will hug you, under the sunshine I will laugh with you. Always. No matter how drastic the circumstances would have changed. Even if ten, twenty, or thirty years have passed. After all, I am your guardian angel… As long as you need me, I will be there. I promise.

I love you, always.

Love,
Shone