ivygradhc

This was a posting I did in October and I am now finalizing my decision..  I’ve added my reasons at the end…

I do make an effort to follow my therapist’s advise and use methods I have learned to steer my mind away from the dark thoughts which have plagued me for the last 45 years.  Sometimes this works and I can get myself on a positive track but it is not a stable track.    Too many of the triggers I have for dark thoughts are around me and I am unable to control that.   I have limited my access to news feeds and am […]

I’ve written a few posts about how long I have had my depression.   In my case I define my depression as a  strong feeling that things would be better off without me messing them up and it is best that I just disappear.    The act of disappearing obviously would be my life ending by my own hand either directly or indirectly.

As I have noted,  I was 11 or 12 when I started to consider that as an option.  Well since then it has been a daily thought in one form or another.  A lot of times it is easy for me to dismiss it and […]

I was 11 or 12 when I started to consider that disappearing from all of it was an option.  I remember the first day I thought of it clearly.    I even made a feeble attempt that day as well.   Nothing happened from it other than being told that “that was stupid”.   The irony of that is it was an alcoholic parent that told me that,  The same parent who talked about killing themselves throughout my teen years.    We were expected to feel guilty about that.  It was just desire to get attention in my mind.

Well since then the idea of making myself disappear […]

I do not want to create drama, nor do I want attention.   Well,  maybe I do want attention, but I am not going to do anything stupid to get it.    What I want to do is just disappear.  Disappear from my disappointment in myself, from disappointment I have caused for others, and from disappointments I will most likely continue to cause.

I’ve felt this way for at least 45 of my 58 years.    Possibly even longer.     I was around twelve years when I realized this was a feeling that I would face every day.   On good days I could easily put them […]

I don’t want to make a scene among family, colleagues or friends.    I want to find a place I can go to relax and let nature take its course.   This depression I have had for close to 50 years is now a terminal disease for me.     I long now for a hospice where I could just fall asleep.     I imagine that sleep will be like a sleep I had a couple of years ago when I had surgery.   I remember having the mask on my face and the Dr. telling me to take deep breaths and then nothing.  Nothing until I woke […]

I have posted a few things the last few days concerning my depression and my yearning to just disappear from it all.   The depression has been with me at least 50 of my 58 years and I can say the yearning to disappear has been with me since I was 12 or 13.

Recently I’ve been doing a sort of “mental sort” of key triggers of my depression and One that I never thought was a major factor was the state of affairs.      I was always able to see hope past world events and economic cycles.   My triggers tended to be from loneliness or […]

Again I find myself coming back to read how others are feeling and share my own feelings.   My depression has been with me at least 45 of my 58 years.    Possibly even longer.     I was twelve when this collection  dark, unhappy, sad, and angry feeling became a daily part of my life.   Since then every day of my life I have faced these feelings.     On good days I could easily bat them into a compartment and be fine.  Other days I had to fight them.   On the bad days they crippled me.    A lot has gone […]

The actual act of suicide for me is not the direct solution of what I want.   It is however a means to what I want, which is simply to disappear from everything.    Seems simple enough yet my thoughts, desires, and fears complicate it.      I do not want anything painful, scary, or uncertain.    I simply want to go to sleep.        Why is that considered wrong?   I come back to a line from Shakespeare “To sleep perchance a dream” and I think about what it was like when I had surgery a couple of years ago.     […]

I posted last week and mentioned that my true feelings are I do not want to die, but I do want to disappear from everything and taking/losing my life is a means to that end….

I’m wimpy (for lack of a better word) to do anything that will cause me undue pain, and I do not want to try anything that will put another person in danger.     I also don’t want this to feel like “drama to everyone around me.    To that end I am only  talking with my therapist.   My wife knows I’m depressed but does not know I truly want […]

I posted my thoughts about five years ago, and another year before that.    I have found over time that everything seems to cycle back to the same place.    I am 58 now, and I would say I have had my depression for about 50 years and it has always been a cyclical thing.    Like Cancer that goes into remission but comes back,   goes back into remission and the same goes on..

At the worst part of the cycle I find my desire not to be suicide, but to just disappear from everyone and everything.    Taking my life is just a means […]