I think everyday of that apartment I’m going to get next semester. I want it so bad. I hate being in the dorm. I hate having a roommate. I hate being on campus. I need my privacy. I need to be alone. I saw my therapist today. She asked me “If you could wake up somewhere different tomorrow, where would it be?” I said somewhere isolated. She asked me to elaborate. I said the desert. Just me, my truck, and the desert. I think I like being alone. I’ve said this […]
I hate construction. I hate college kids. I hate shitty customers. I hate my roommate. I hate that lonely feeling I get. I hate needing help. I hate crisis hotlines. I hate no explanations. I hate group projects. I hate being here. I hate 3D space equations. I hate getting my check when the banks have already been closed that day. I hate the feeling in my skull at the back towards the neck around the curvature of my skull. I hate living in the dorm. I hate the people who walk […]
Hello. Suicide hasn’t been that prevalent until recently. It was going semi ok until now. I need to get back on my meds. It hasn’t gotten to the point where all I can think about is jumping, but it is something that keeps popping up. I work nights, so coming back to the parking garage the only spots open are at the top. So I park and get out and go to the stairwell. There, right by the door, is a sign for a crisis hotline. It makes sense. They predicted that people would come up […]
It was exactly one week ago that I had my first date. I was excited admittedly. She was a girl from work and she asked me out. She was real nice and held a good conversation. I took her to eat and to a movie. Paid for everything. Things went well. We talked, had a few laughs. Absolutely nothing to complain about. She stated that she wasn’t looking for a relationship, said she just wanted to be by herself with her baby (6 mo old). That’s understandable. Like an idiot, I bought condoms before […]
I think I’m one of those people that constantly needs to work. To just do something. Not the type of work that makes you think or the type of work that requires you to be mentally there. The type of work that makes you shut your brain off and just do it. I haven’t worked since Saturday and I don’t work till Friday. I’m starting to feel weird. Like I’m missing something. I start over thinking things and noticing all the little details that normally bother me. Ever since getting a job not long ago I’ve noticed […]
Been a while. I’m actually feeling better. For a while now. I guess getting a job changes a person. I just felt like talking about some of the things I learned the past month working as a delivery driver. So I work about 20 hr a week. Not much, but I have college to think about. I work the graveyard shift so It’s been fucking with my sleep schedule. Finding an apartment at 2 am in the rain kind of sucks. Tips are ok sometimes. Sometimes not. I messed up an order once and […]
So I haven’t been back in a while. Not a long while, but a while. I got a job. Saving up for an apartment. Been going to counseling. I’ve noticed I’ve held up my head as I walk to class now. It’s an odd feeling. A little part of me doesn’t like it. I feel like I’m arrogant for feeling confident. When I’ve basically felt so small about myself for so long, this new attitude feels foreign and bad. Can’t really explain it. I told the cashier her hair looked nice. Felt like […]
You never really think about how alone you are until you see another person. I was studying in an empty hallway at my dorm at 2 am and I see this one girl walking to her room. I took notice of her at the beginning of the semester. Thought she was cute. Nothing more than that. I would take glances of her and she would take glances at me, although it could be because she was creeped out by me. It’s not necessarily that I have feelings for her, hell I’ve never even talked to her. For some […]
I can’t tell if it’s sadness or just emptiness? This feeling of uncertainty. Where am I going? I have asked this question so many times. I just can’t tell. I had Chinese yesterday and the fortune cookie told me I was going to go on a big adventure. On the back it said PANDA EXPRESS INC. A little part of me wants to believe it. I dream of just picking myself and driving somewhere. I don’t know where. Just somewhere. Drive down the highway and go. No more books or tests or worrying […]
Have I become apathetic to it all. I just feel like I’ve stopped caring about school. Being in college is strange. The first semester just kind of took off in this strange sort of way and then it just petered out. I don’t really care about the papers or the finals or anything really. Even the regular assignments are just whatever. I have less than three weeks until the semester is out. Recently I stopped going to those club meetings. It’s not like I really contributed or had friends in those clubs. I just fell out. […]
My mother has recently been reconnecting with my grandfather’s side of the family. She hadn’t talked to them in a rather long time, but after the death of a close cousin, she started visiting them again. My grandparents got divorced when my mother was baby, and due to my grandmother being rather abusive, overtime my mother was convinced (by my grandmother) that her dad didn’t care about her. She naturally fell out of contact with that side of the family until she found out that her cousin committed suicide. So since then she started seeing them all again. That side […]
I love this song.
Feeling out of it. Very strange. Sort of. I guess. Time just flies by huh. I’m not sure what I want.
It throws me off when someone just walks up to me and says something. I was just walking around in my dorm hall when a resident adviser ran up to me and asked if I wanted smores. I get that they get paid for putting on the smiley act and all that, but it is so god damned unnerving. She ran up and said “HEY FRIEND”. That was really fucking uncomfortable. Then she tried to guess my name. (I went to one other thing before this where I told her my name.) After guessing incorrectly for the first few times, […]
Where am I going? I’m not completely sure? Should I go this way or that way? There are many directions, but paradoxically very few. You can do anything, but you feel like you are constrained to one thing. You can go anywhere, but somehow are stuck here. There are an infinite number of possibilities, but only one outcome. There is absolute freedom in this world, but at the same time a person has little to no control. It feels like you can go everywhere, but not really. There is no purpose, but if I go by […]
Things keep falling apart. I’m falling apart. My interest is waning more and more. I convince myself to stop going to lectures sometimes. What’s the point. Got a zero for not presenting today. Felt nothing. I’ve always taken pride in my smarts. It was the one thing that I had. But what has it gotten me? All they are, are letters and numbers on paper. A’s, B’s, C’s, D’s. 100, 90, 80, 50, 0. What’s the difference between them. They haven’t made me happy. They don’t make the loneliness go […]
So many noises. All of it just annoying static. None of it remotely interesting. None of it worth listening to. Yet it keeps buzzing in my ears. I get up and I move my fucking bean poles left right left right left right left right left right to go to the next fucking hell hole bullshit class. None of it matters. I keep moving and none of it matters. Anyone going to say anything? Anyone? I’m just screaming into a void that just echoes noises. Like every other place. Monday is the day I talk […]
Well I honestly don’t know what to open with. I was going to say that it’s been like a little under two weeks since I posted, but I doubt that matters. I don’t know why I feel compelled to track time like that. Beats me. Being on campus has made me oddly claustrophobic. All these fucking people rushing to their classes, or activities, or lunch. It just makes me feel so constrained. In high school things were set with a set schedule. You’d show up at 9, leave at 4 and just sit in 4 or […]
Hello. Man I’m feeling oddly nostalgic about being back here. He says after being gone for a little over three months. I mean I’ve only been around for a little more than a year, but by this point you can kind of see the routine this forum generates. It’s just kind of a hole where misery and anger festers. Of course you always have the handful or so going around trying to give others advice and support and what not. They try their hardest but they can only do so much. Around here it’s always the same though. […]
What do you fucking know. I’m back here. I know my last post talked about how “free” I was or whatever, but I think we’ve all had that conversation in our heads and always know how it ends up. Is anyone even still here. I mean SP always get’s a new batch every so often, but don’t you think how weird it is that we don’t know each other personally. I mean the guys I knew might have had their last post a month ago or so, and I have no idea what is going on with them. They […]
I got my closure. The one life link I had to people has been cut. She had her outlets besides me and I realized she just didn’t have the time or care to contact me of her own free will. Which is fine. People do and need different things. Amazing how that just shed right off of me. Now I’m back to being alone. And I’m strangely happy. Always wondering if she would ever check up on me to see how I’m doing was stressful. Truth is she never really cared enough to seek me out. […]