I can run. I can run away from anything. I run and I run and I run and I run and I run. I’m a coward. I don’t quite know what I’m running towards. Nothing?
I don’t know what I am supposed to be. What am I supposed to think. I have held on tightly to the little scraps that I thought made me unique. Then I let it fall apart. I think I wanted it to fall apart. If I lose my definition, I’m free to go, right? No more tethers to this place. I’m a coward. I’m a runner. I don’t know how to deal with difficult things, and this makes me weak.
I’m not sure. What is it that I want. I can’t tell anymore. I’m scared. There is only so much that can be done. I’m trying to calm myself down, but I don’t think that’s working. I keep going between wanting silence and noise. Everything seems so disturbing. Is anyone there? I can’t put my thoughts into words anymore. It seems like it is dragging. Can’t tell what it is doing anymore. Why do I keep going? The medicine doesn’t work? I’m not sure. Why. It seems long and […]
I realized that I am just playing the waiting game at this point. I’m not really concerned about what happens this semester anymore. Whether I fail miserably or squeak by as per usual, I just don’t really care anymore. I miss work. I miss being able to go and just do something and get paid. I’m actually looking forward to something and that is working full time during the summer. Now mind you I know the difference between working as a means of getting something extra and working to survive. I’m not saying that I want my life to depend […]
There are times when I’m panicking and other times when I’m not. I feel no fear and then it all comes rushing towards me. I’m hardly eating anything. I’ve run out of meals on my meal card and money. I should go pick up my last check. It shouldn’t be that hard. I think I’ll go do that soon. Pretty sure. Where should I go. No direction is terrifying. So terrifying. I’m afriad. so very afraid. Can’t seem to see anything.
I don’t think I have any. I can’t escape that feeling that there is no real point to anything. I’ve always held that belief. The thing is, there is no half assing it. I don’t have the guts to kill myself, and I don’t have the guts to keep going. I’m lazy. I know that much. I can’t really commit to anything. Well. Shit.
I just got off the phone with my mom. I’ve been meaning to tell her that I haven’t been keeping up with my medication and that I’m not doing too well. I told her and she explained some things and I agreed with them. She said that I’m not doing to well for a number of reasons. I can’t really put them into words, but I understand them. Then I started to cry. I told her that I love her and the I want to see her and my dad and my brother. I told her that I […]
I can’t say that I have a complete grasp on things. I’d like to think that I’m trying my best, but it would be untrue I think. It’s all just slipping by. This isn’t the first time. This won’t be the last time. I’d like to think I’ve made it this far on dumb luck alone. That and I had somewhat of an understanding of the numbers game. I hate that numbers game. I hate playing it. It feels stale and tiring. I think that my blended brain makes my emotions unstable. I think […]
It’s all goopey. All slimey and chunky and has a rubbery texture. It’s on pulse so the paste isn’t consistent. My brain is in a blender. I’m bad at medication. I’m bad at alot of things. I just want to cry. My brain is in a blender. All slimey and yellow. My dssdf fingers are heavy on rt the key board. I can’t stand up straight. I’m tired. So tired. What does it even matteskr. sssjjj I’ts all juust a joke. A big ugly jokse. rrrrrrrrr SOme one just […]
STOP THINKING. STOP BREATHING. STOP MOVING. If you keep going bad things will happen. DON’T BLINK. DON’T LISTEN. SHUT YOUR EYES. BUT DON’T BLINK. It all has that silky gloss over it. So pretty and tempting. But it’s a lie. All a filthy, nasty lie. The only soft warm thing is solitude. It has this sort of shiny quality where everyone has these big smiles on. Except it’s not for people like me. Not really. They seemed genuinely sad when they heard I was quitting. It’s strange because I […]
I feel off. Just out of it. All of it just seems foreign. I think I’m easily manipulated. Someone asked for 20 dollars and I gave it to them. They said they would pay me back, but I doubt it. My question is why though. Out of all the people she probably knows, why me, why only 20, and do I care so much. Whatever. I can’t focus on school. I’ve just run out of steam. I can’t say I’ve done alot, but I can’t say I’m not tired of it all. It […]
I was in class today and I noticed that the girl I normally sit next to had very short shorts on. She has rather long legs, so I couldn’t help by glance every now and then at her thighs. It’s only natural that a change in wardrobe is going to be happening among the girls due to the changing climate. It’s Spring after all. I never understood the appeal of wearing short shorts. It seems like it would be uncomfortable, to have that much skin exposed to the air. The potential of someone accidentally touching me would freak me […]
I think everyday of that apartment I’m going to get next semester. I want it so bad. I hate being in the dorm. I hate having a roommate. I hate being on campus. I need my privacy. I need to be alone. I saw my therapist today. She asked me “If you could wake up somewhere different tomorrow, where would it be?” I said somewhere isolated. She asked me to elaborate. I said the desert. Just me, my truck, and the desert. I think I like being alone. I’ve said this […]
I hate construction. I hate college kids. I hate shitty customers. I hate my roommate. I hate that lonely feeling I get. I hate needing help. I hate crisis hotlines. I hate no explanations. I hate group projects. I hate being here. I hate 3D space equations. I hate getting my check when the banks have already been closed that day. I hate the feeling in my skull at the back towards the neck around the curvature of my skull. I hate living in the dorm. I hate the people who walk […]
Hello. Suicide hasn’t been that prevalent until recently. It was going semi ok until now. I need to get back on my meds. It hasn’t gotten to the point where all I can think about is jumping, but it is something that keeps popping up. I work nights, so coming back to the parking garage the only spots open are at the top. So I park and get out and go to the stairwell. There, right by the door, is a sign for a crisis hotline. It makes sense. They predicted that people would come up […]
It was exactly one week ago that I had my first date. I was excited admittedly. She was a girl from work and she asked me out. She was real nice and held a good conversation. I took her to eat and to a movie. Paid for everything. Things went well. We talked, had a few laughs. Absolutely nothing to complain about. She stated that she wasn’t looking for a relationship, said she just wanted to be by herself with her baby (6 mo old). That’s understandable. Like an idiot, I bought condoms before […]
I think I’m one of those people that constantly needs to work. To just do something. Not the type of work that makes you think or the type of work that requires you to be mentally there. The type of work that makes you shut your brain off and just do it. I haven’t worked since Saturday and I don’t work till Friday. I’m starting to feel weird. Like I’m missing something. I start over thinking things and noticing all the little details that normally bother me. Ever since getting a job not long ago I’ve noticed […]
Been a while. I’m actually feeling better. For a while now. I guess getting a job changes a person. I just felt like talking about some of the things I learned the past month working as a delivery driver. So I work about 20 hr a week. Not much, but I have college to think about. I work the graveyard shift so It’s been fucking with my sleep schedule. Finding an apartment at 2 am in the rain kind of sucks. Tips are ok sometimes. Sometimes not. I messed up an order once and […]
So I haven’t been back in a while. Not a long while, but a while. I got a job. Saving up for an apartment. Been going to counseling. I’ve noticed I’ve held up my head as I walk to class now. It’s an odd feeling. A little part of me doesn’t like it. I feel like I’m arrogant for feeling confident. When I’ve basically felt so small about myself for so long, this new attitude feels foreign and bad. Can’t really explain it. I told the cashier her hair looked nice. Felt like […]
You never really think about how alone you are until you see another person. I was studying in an empty hallway at my dorm at 2 am and I see this one girl walking to her room. I took notice of her at the beginning of the semester. Thought she was cute. Nothing more than that. I would take glances of her and she would take glances at me, although it could be because she was creeped out by me. It’s not necessarily that I have feelings for her, hell I’ve never even talked to her. For some […]