J Doe

Tuesday marks 9 weeks. Still haven’t heard anything. Don’t know when I will. Hope I do soon so I can continue on with my life. Wouldn’t be in this predicament if had planned better, but that’s to be expected at this point. Meeting with the advisor some point in the future and I’m going to guess he isn’t happy with the fact that I never submitted to a journal like I said I was. Could’ve ended up rejecting me as a result. Even though he did write a recommendation letter.

I’ve been told my suicidal ideation is […]

Been a minute since I’ve wrote. I have had other ways I’ve been dealing with my issues lately. Really grateful for them. But it’s still a good way to catalogue my thoughts at different points in my life. I’m graduating after all. Defense committee approved my thesis. Felt like it was a gimme. I’ll always feel that way about whatever I do. Can think of a million things I did wrong and a handful of things I did right. Very typical of me. All that’s left is to submit the documentation and it’s done. […]

Pretty much the title. T minus 3 weeks out from my presentation. Still need to formally schedule the stupid thing. Been putting it off like I always do. Got no more steam for this project. I’ve always hated the design and never thought it would work. Always kinda phoned it in on that aspect. Getting through the last tests painfully slow. Motors keep burning out and I’m hemorrhaging money cause of it. Every time I turn that stupid fucking thing on, I immediately want to turn it off. This degree is going to be […]

Little more than 3 weeks away from thesis presentation. I’m beyond fucked. A week ago I felt optimistic. It felt wrong to feel that way, so I’m happy to say I’m fucked. Makes me feel sane. Makes me comfortable. The dread. Hating being around other people. It feels natural. Feeling the other way felt unnatural. For a hot minute there I thought I was hypo-manic. There’s no way I can get my shit together for the presentation. I’ll be lucky if they downgrade my thesis to a capstone. It happened to one […]

My mentor from my internship this past summer said he wouldn’t write a letter of recommendation for my PhD application. He said I wasn’t ready from what he saw. Someone finally said it. No bs. Maybe a little bs. He did say maybe in a few years after I worked in the private sector a bit I might be ready. Probably just to soften the blow. But someone finally said I couldn’t do it. No carefully chosen words, no false niceties, no lies. I respect him for it. Still going to apply. Because I […]

Do you ever think about where you were a year ago and wonder, “Did I have any idea it was going to be this bad?”. Or 5 years ago or 10 years ago or 20 years ago. The thing about it is, back then you probably thought you had it bad back then too. Weird awkward shit in high school, depressed scared moments in undergrad, manic desperate work in grad. It all seemed like shit back then, but for some reason it feels the shittiest right now. And you’d say that back then too. Nothing I do ultimately matters. […]

Every time I walk out of that room I feel like shit. Granted it’s my own damn fault. But still makes me feel like shit. Every single thing that comes out of my mouth comes of as inane or ignorant or usually both. And then when they have to carefully explain to the dumbass why his ideas are stupid, it comes off as if they are talking to a child instead of a 26 year old man. I’ve talked about this before. The way they view me. They expect nothing of me and have to treat me with […]

Robot problems as usual, but I’m tired of complaining about that so I’ll complain about this. Passed somebody on the street today. Had to do a double take. She looked just like her. Or at least how I remember her. Every time I think about her, I try to remember the last time I did before. They are starting to be further and further apart. But I still think about her from time to time. I don’t feel anything for her anymore. Nothing. Not sadness or anger or longing or whatever. Simply nothing. […]

The choice to stick around was my own. Nobody twisted my arm. Nobody pleaded for me to stay. I did it because I wanted to. But every now and then I’m curious if I made a mistake. Everything was lined up. It was perfect. You couldn’t ask for better conditions. I could feel my body giving out slowly but surely. Then I stopped eating. Not a conscious choice. Just didn’t want to so I didn’t. Give me a few more weeks and I’m dead sure that I could’ve pushed myself past the line. […]

I don’t really know what to say anymore. I’ve got zero steam. Zero. This stupid motor problem has killed it all. I’ve tried offering solutions but it always seems like they don’t take me seriously or that I’m wrong. Which a lot of the times is true. I’m reliant on people that won’t even give me the time of day. It sucks. For now all I can possibly do is write and some calculations. But just got no motivation to do so. Been putting it off and lying in bed for the past 2 days. […]

Neither do I honestly. My talk with my advisor yesterday went ok. Nothing too notable. He gave me the usual spiel of how he’d love to have me for the program and how I’m very earnest or some shit. Don’t remember exactly what he said. He did say that funding is going to be an issue. Which is true. I’m asking late in the game just like last semester. I’m playing catch up for a lot of things. Who knew planning to kill yourself would screw yourself that bad. My own damn fault. Probably […]

I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this, but those stupid fucking motors that gave me a fucking problem all winter break had the wrong chip on them. Some dude added a fucking P to the end of the chip name and then we had 500 semi-useless boards. This whole time this could have been fixed by ordering the right ones or maybe changing how we flash the boards. This whole time. Now I’ve tried to put in an order for 30 correct boards and my advisor is giving me fucking shit for it. Asking if they will work. […]

Pretty safe to say that everyone on here has been screwed by it. From depression to schizophrenia, everyone on here has something going on up there. The funny thing is, it’s a thing that fucks you from birth. You have no real say in it. Certain illnesses like PTSD are sometimes forced upon us. There are so many times in my life I wondered why my brain was so broken. Why did it not function like everyone else’s. Of course in actuality most people have this sort of thing. They just hide it well. It’s not […]

So I have a strange observation about myself. Maybe it’s all in my head maybe it’s not. When I was a kid I had what I believed was a strange knack for putting on a mask during stressful social interactions. Specifically to certain people. People I deem better than me or above me or something. So basically teachers and adults. I was able to say what they wanted to hear and express what they wanted to see. I didn’t really think about what I was doing. It was like autopilot. I said things I didn’t really mean […]

I’m pretty sure I read a post I wrote with the exact same title and “theme” I guess you would call it. Read it a little while ago. Anyways I don’t have any of it. I got back into the lab this Tuesday. Even then I don’t have the motivation to really go at it like I did in December. I’m missing the January deadline for sure. There’s just no way. I’m running out of motor boards to burn out even after stripping the old robot from the previous team. I felt mega guilty about it. […]

The last time I was in the lab was Sunday. Tomorrow is Sunday. I have already accepted the fact that I will miss the January deadline. Even if this didn’t happen, it wouldn’t have really mattered. In retrospect, this was probably good. I hadn’t had a long break this winter, so this was probably for the best. Unfortunately all I did was watch YouTube and worry about the stupid robot. So even as a break it sucked. I did get to sleep late though. That was nice. I tried to do some writing but maybe […]

The last few months have felt that way. Thinking back to late September early October, I can remember my never ending time spent at the lab working towards submitting for a conference in October. I failed. Then I kept working. I failed to finish my Thesis by December. Then I kept working. I am going to fail submitting to the January conference. Going back to thinking about my summer internship, that feels like a million miles away now. Thinking about last January and the terror I felt at only having a year left feels like a million […]

Well I screwed myself again. I don’t have access to the lab anymore. Great. I already submitted the form for my access to be extended to June, but it seems I can’t get in today. Don’t know if it’s for the holiday or what. I submitted the form again and realized what screwed my. My fucking advisor needs to approve it. When I submitted the form before, it was just after the semester ended. The fucking guy can’t be bothered to read his email during the semester most of the time, he aint going to read it […]

In the lab. Been in the lab these past 3 weeks (I’ve lost track) except for a handful of break days (Christmas and all that). Just staring at the thing. I’ve dissembled and re-assembled at least maybe a half dozen times? I’ve lost count. I count any sort of disassembly of the inner modules and threading cables through the origami as disassembled. I’ve thought about it, but it would have probably saved more time to take it apart piece by piece and slowly and carefully put it back together. It would save me from having to reopen it […]

Well I fucked up. Last night I got black out drunk like I said I would. I’m waiting on parts that will be delivered by the end of the day so last night was the time to do so. Honestly it wasn’t as much as last time, but there was vomit in my vomit bag I don’t remember throwing up and I woke up in the bath tub with the shower running at 5 in the morning. I vaguely remember getting in there but not falling asleep. Not the point. I fucked up. I spilled my guts to […]