So I called my mom to tell her I’m going to flunk. She asked what was next and if I need to stay another semester, but I told her 2 was enough. That I’d go ahead and come home and find work. Was crying but tried my best to sound grounded. Same spiel, keep going forward, once you work you’ll be fine yada yada. Then I let out a little more than I should have. Told her 25 was very long. She wanted me to elaborate. I said 25 years is pretty long. She kept pressing […]
My body’s starting to break down. I have gotten fair amount of sleep the past few days after my all-nighter. However I haven’t eaten a meal since Tuesday. Had almonds and jerky and dried pineapple. Gas station stuff. I don’t know why. I’m not too busy to get something. My fridge is empty. Still haven’t went grocery shopping. Starting to feel the effect. My mind is still wrapped in barbed wire. Told my uncle I’m not graduating. First person I’ve told. He mentioned other things I could do like work and go […]
A few days ago I had a working robot and was starting tests. I pushed it too far in an attempt to try to do better than the previous model and broke a piece. No big deal. I’ve fixed it before it’s just time consuming. Then another thing breaks. And another. And another. Stayed up till 6 AM trying to fix my mistake on Monday. Every time I have a happy mood I feel like it’s just setup so the universe or whatever can kick me down the stairs. Please knock on wood. I think […]
Couldn’t really pick a title so I chose both. Got 2 things on my mind.
I’m oddly content and I don’t know why. My situation hasn’t changed at all. Still going to flunk. Still don’t know what 2025 looks like. Still the same dumb ass who can’t even build a robot. But I’m still going at it. Spent all day in lab. Had so many issues that wanted me to smash me skull against a brick wall. But I still had some strange satisfaction when something went ok. Thinking CLARA actually looked decent. […]
3rd therapy session today. Got more into it. Our conversations seem to have an odd flow to them. Sometimes I don’t know how we get from A to D. He seemed more combative this time. More willing to push back against me. Usually when a therapist does that it annoys me, but with this guy I want to try and push back. Argue for my point. He did admit as much that he was more argumentative. I said I was fine with it. That I’m curious. I live in my head probably 90% of […]
I’ve mentioned this before, but lately random memories pop up in my head at the oddest of times. Playing on the Wii with my friend in elementary. That crummy star wars game where you waggle the controller and some how you’d hit the other player. Embarrassing things I did or said in middle school or highschool. People who I haven’t thought of in years. This one time a girl I thought had a very attractive figure was sitting in front of me in Spanish and we had a nice amicable relationship. I had my foot propped up on those […]
I had another therapy session with my psychiatrist. I basically told him all the stuff I say on here. Pretty much verbatim. He did say that my suicidal ideation is just a weird defense mechanism. A way to “calm” myself because thinking it means I always have an escape exit. An escape exit I never take, but still an escape exit. This is pretty accurate. If that wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be 8+ years worth of posts on here from me. There would be like 1 or 2 and I would be in the ground. […]
Not one thing went right today. It’s kind of hilarious in a way. I don’t know where I picked this up from, but I remember hearing once that a certain part of comedy is watching something that’s not supposed to happen. A system failing. Like when you watch a person fall over. It’s not supposed to happen, but you saw it happen and that makes it funny. I think that’s why I’ve only been able to see all this as funny. It’s getting worse and I’m not sure how long I can find this funny.
I go back through my old posts every now and again to see where I was. Sometimes my problems seem so trivial and other times I remember the deep sadness I had back then. One post I made when I was around 17 I think mentioned that I don’t see myself living past 25. So that number has been in my head for sometime. I guess I just thought it was a good stopping point. I don’t turn 26 until December. There is still time to make good on my promise. Maybe failing this semester will give me […]
Isn’t the model for the five stages of grief outdated? Like it’s a bit more complex than that and the order isn’t even really set, right? I’ve felt anger and sadness already. Denial and bargaining also might have been experienced. I started to donate again to that little food pantry thing by the school. I did it because “I felt like doing something nice.” In actuality, I knew that I did it because a part of me hopes that if I do something good it would do good by me. Bargaining I think. Am I calm now […]
I’ve been really itchy today. Just really need to pour out the contents of my head right now. Writing this while I’m in the lab. I don’t think I’ve ever done that. But was too itchy.
I’m unsure where to start. I don’t understand people or how talk to them. For the most part, I kinda hate (too strong a word?) people. I don’t like being around them. I don’t like talking to them. So the majority of my life I never tried. Now I’ve whined on here before about being lonely and seeing other people […]
My brain is a fucking paradox. This is not new to anyone who reads these (not many). As much as I spent most of my life drowning in all the noise of hopelessness and self hatred and nihilism, I’ve also spent a lot of it making up pointless fantasies. Delusions of being something or being with someone. Hopes and dreams and all that idiotic shit. It was delusions that made me apply to grad school. It was delusions that made me still message her after she stopped talking to me a year and half ago. It was delusions […]
I had a “conversation” with Chat GPT of all things. Because I’m lonely and have literally nobody else to talk to. At least about stuff I want to talk about. I tried explaining my thought process. How I got from A to B to C. Asked how it was even possible. Asked what that even means. I told it about the anchor and the broken tool analogy and the contradiction between having a fluid definition of life but a rigid stance on it. Apparently it’s called “Existential Exhaustion” or something. I’m not sure if it made […]
I was able to cut myself. I wanted to see if I was serious about this. I just needed some sign. It was with the box cutter in the toolbox. Of course I tried to do more and pointed it at my throat. Couldn’t do it. Such a meaningless show for nobody. I shorted 3 voltage regulators. 3. The pieces are so braindead simple. Just 4 wires that need to be soldered. But of course I can’t even do that right. I don’t know where the short is. I checked but couldn’t […]
My project is at a standstill. I think I have a workaround for one of my problems, but that still doesn’t completely solve it. I have to rely on the kindness of strangers. My teammate forgot he said he’d look at the motors. I had to remind him as he was leaving. He took them with him. He said he would be out of town this weekend. The likelihood of it getting done is slim. I didn’t think I needed to be over his shoulder to make sure it gets done. The underclassman was too busy […]
The pressure on my head has lessen a bit. I think it’s because I haven’t been able to work on the bot for the past few days. I’ve been waiting on the help of others to get things done. An underclassman who knows how to solder on a PCB and one of my team mates who can help me explain the weird behavior of some of the motors. I tried using the PCB I soldered once more and got another blow out. Of course. Then I try one more time to solder another put it just ended up a […]
Now that’s comedy. My school has these mental wellness days every few weeks or so. Basically just a holiday. Didn’t even realize it until today. Guess where I was? In the lab working. This robot refuses to work on every level. And it’s killing me. Even if my PCB hadn’t burned out I probably still wouldn’t have made it. I’ve spent pretty much every day working on that fucking machine. An undergrad who is doing a project sponsored by our lab asked me if I ever leave that place. That’s how bad it is. […]
If you are easily offended by matters of a sexual nature, go ahead and skip this post (not like anyone reads these anyways.) Also on the off chance that you are reading this, could you please skip this post sinner? I don’t want you to think less of me, and you definitely will if you read this.
I am just blowing money on p*rn. Like down the tubes sort of stuff. I would occasionally splurge here and there and alot if things were real bad, but it got kinda bad when I got my internship. Which is fine because I got […]
Just stalling again. Last week I said I had to present on my progress, but I was mistaken. It’s this week. And I’m in a worse position than when I was last week. Funny how that works itself out. I’m starting to feel more sick when I’m around the other lab assistants. It used to be that I got sick just by being in the lab, but when I’m there by myself I feel fine. My inferiority complex is doing a number on my body. I think I stared at one of them too long. They […]
Shorted the last PCB I had. No chance that I can make the deadline now. I was working late at night. Around 9:30. Everyone was already gone. I thought that if I really tried and spent the time that things would turn out all right. But it’s been one failure after another. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I walked home crying. Trying my best not to catch anyone’s attention walking by. I had to talk to someone. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Texted those dumb crisis hotlines. Told them the whole […]