The last few months have felt that way. Thinking back to late September early October, I can remember my never ending time spent at the lab working towards submitting for a conference in October. I failed. Then I kept working. I failed to finish my Thesis by December. Then I kept working. I am going to fail submitting to the January conference. Going back to thinking about my summer internship, that feels like a million miles away now. Thinking about last January and the terror I felt at only having a year left feels like a million […]
Well I screwed myself again. I don’t have access to the lab anymore. Great. I already submitted the form for my access to be extended to June, but it seems I can’t get in today. Don’t know if it’s for the holiday or what. I submitted the form again and realized what screwed my. My fucking advisor needs to approve it. When I submitted the form before, it was just after the semester ended. The fucking guy can’t be bothered to read his email during the semester most of the time, he aint going to read it […]
In the lab. Been in the lab these past 3 weeks (I’ve lost track) except for a handful of break days (Christmas and all that). Just staring at the thing. I’ve dissembled and re-assembled at least maybe a half dozen times? I’ve lost count. I count any sort of disassembly of the inner modules and threading cables through the origami as disassembled. I’ve thought about it, but it would have probably saved more time to take it apart piece by piece and slowly and carefully put it back together. It would save me from having to reopen it […]
Well I fucked up. Last night I got black out drunk like I said I would. I’m waiting on parts that will be delivered by the end of the day so last night was the time to do so. Honestly it wasn’t as much as last time, but there was vomit in my vomit bag I don’t remember throwing up and I woke up in the bath tub with the shower running at 5 in the morning. I vaguely remember getting in there but not falling asleep. Not the point. I fucked up. I spilled my guts to […]
Sinner, just in case you might want to skip this one. Up to you.
Don’t feel like bitching about my robot again. Done it too much already. Rather I would like to talk about my therapy session yesterday. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m able to talk to him fairly normally. Still hold back a little bit, but for the most part he’s aware of most everything. He texted me passages from a medical book he was reading that reminded him of my situation. It’s a bit of an outdated term than how they use it […]
I have to learn to shut my fucking mouth. 2 days. Maybe a little over 48 hours. I said that I felt “genuinely happy” for the first time in a long time. Well that lasted around a day and a half maybe. Stupid miserable piece of shit robot refuses to fucking work. Like it’s doing it out of spite. It works. It works for one test. I do absolutely nothing to it beyond maybe moving it around a little, gone. Won’t fucking move. In the most hilarious way, God manages to fuck me again. […]
I’m starting to get a little scared. Lately I’ve been happy. Like legitimately happy. Not those brief times you get to breath between the constant hellish everyday that you have. Where you’re content, but in the back of your head you know what’s coming. So you can’t be too content. It feels like something’s wrong. Like it’s not supposed to be like this. Even when things are falling apart around me and I’m going to be stuck working all through Christmas, I still feel happy. So much so that I was wondering if it was the […]
I gave myself 25 years. Turning 26 on the 18th. That was one of the bigger motivators when I was actually going to go through with it. That, flunking, failing my internship and just general mental and physical stress were the perfect combo. Don’t ever think things will line up that well again. I’m sure that’s not true. Suffering is a cycle. Then something came up and I had to pivot. Probably going to be sticking around MA for the winter. That really blows. I’ve talked to my parents more recently. I assured them […]
I’ve been thinking about all the times I’ve demonstrated how strange I was. My manner of acting, especially in grade school, never really made sense to anyone but myself. Basically I was very strange. I still am. It’s hard for me to see obvious things when it comes to people and situation. I’m always out of step with reality. Can’t see how bad or wrong something is until it’s too late to correct. Key moments in my life have been like this. It’s funny cause I’m never really sure of myself, so I feel I should catch […]
Got zero idea what I’m doing. Not a clue. I haven’t been able to work on testing because of a stupid supply chain issue. I need it to do pretty much all of my tests except for one. Maybe I could test one side to see how well it does with the “pipes”, but I guess I’m too damn lazy or maybe afraid. I know I can do the bend angle test just fine and I’ll probably so it tonight (maybe). Not looking forward to restringing when I end up snapping a cable. I hope it holds up […]
So I’m fucked financially. It’s too late in the game to apply for anything and even then most ask for applicants that are looking for 1 year minimum of support. Extending by a semester would have been nice to do before the semester’s about to end. Could get a loan. Not a good idea. Can’t apply for a federal loan cause I’m only doing 1 credit hour so I don’t count as even a part time student. Private loans seem like a deal with the devil. My absolute last choice would be to ask my parents. The mentioned […]
Been thinking about a lot of stuff lately now that I’m not going to try and die now. Going through old posts a lot because I’m always curious about stuff. I say my post about my first half baked “attempt”. Then I remembered it was over 20 dollars. So I don’t talk about them a lot anymore since I’m a grown man and my problems are currently where I live and not across the country. I actually don’t talk to my family all that much. Can go a couple weeks without calling them. But when I first joined […]
Ok so change of plans. Not going to try to kill myself after all. I’ve been prepping these last few weeks. Isolating myself from my friends and those around me. Not eating for a few days. Telling my family that I’ll flunk and committing to flunking to further destabilize. Pushing myself in the lab. Constantly reminding myself of my 25 year time limit. Really drive home how hopeless my situation is intentionally and even on a subconscious level. I was trying to drive myself into a corner to manually override my will to live so I […]
So I called my mom to tell her I’m going to flunk. She asked what was next and if I need to stay another semester, but I told her 2 was enough. That I’d go ahead and come home and find work. Was crying but tried my best to sound grounded. Same spiel, keep going forward, once you work you’ll be fine yada yada. Then I let out a little more than I should have. Told her 25 was very long. She wanted me to elaborate. I said 25 years is pretty long. She kept pressing […]
My body’s starting to break down. I have gotten fair amount of sleep the past few days after my all-nighter. However I haven’t eaten a meal since Tuesday. Had almonds and jerky and dried pineapple. Gas station stuff. I don’t know why. I’m not too busy to get something. My fridge is empty. Still haven’t went grocery shopping. Starting to feel the effect. My mind is still wrapped in barbed wire. Told my uncle I’m not graduating. First person I’ve told. He mentioned other things I could do like work and go […]
A few days ago I had a working robot and was starting tests. I pushed it too far in an attempt to try to do better than the previous model and broke a piece. No big deal. I’ve fixed it before it’s just time consuming. Then another thing breaks. And another. And another. Stayed up till 6 AM trying to fix my mistake on Monday. Every time I have a happy mood I feel like it’s just setup so the universe or whatever can kick me down the stairs. Please knock on wood. I think […]
Couldn’t really pick a title so I chose both. Got 2 things on my mind.
I’m oddly content and I don’t know why. My situation hasn’t changed at all. Still going to flunk. Still don’t know what 2025 looks like. Still the same dumb ass who can’t even build a robot. But I’m still going at it. Spent all day in lab. Had so many issues that wanted me to smash me skull against a brick wall. But I still had some strange satisfaction when something went ok. Thinking CLARA actually looked decent. […]
3rd therapy session today. Got more into it. Our conversations seem to have an odd flow to them. Sometimes I don’t know how we get from A to D. He seemed more combative this time. More willing to push back against me. Usually when a therapist does that it annoys me, but with this guy I want to try and push back. Argue for my point. He did admit as much that he was more argumentative. I said I was fine with it. That I’m curious. I live in my head probably 90% of […]
I’ve mentioned this before, but lately random memories pop up in my head at the oddest of times. Playing on the Wii with my friend in elementary. That crummy star wars game where you waggle the controller and some how you’d hit the other player. Embarrassing things I did or said in middle school or highschool. People who I haven’t thought of in years. This one time a girl I thought had a very attractive figure was sitting in front of me in Spanish and we had a nice amicable relationship. I had my foot propped up on those […]
I had another therapy session with my psychiatrist. I basically told him all the stuff I say on here. Pretty much verbatim. He did say that my suicidal ideation is just a weird defense mechanism. A way to “calm” myself because thinking it means I always have an escape exit. An escape exit I never take, but still an escape exit. This is pretty accurate. If that wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be 8+ years worth of posts on here from me. There would be like 1 or 2 and I would be in the ground. […]