10 days before I have to decide. 10 days. I’m scared. So god damn scared. Don’t know what’s up or what’s down. Just don’t know hot to cope. I’m just no good. Plain and simple. Tomorrow I’m going to ask the prof what she thinks. To ask her if I’m good enough. I think right now she’s upset with the progress of the project. I don’t think she is happy. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I want someone to tell me I’m no good. Straight up. When I ask my […]
J Doe
Got nothing. No motivation. Last month for the project. Determines if I graduate, as do a number of other things. Working on this thing all school year just has me indifferent I guess. I remember the thing that I wanted the most out of this project is to make something that I’m proud of. Nothing that is mind blowing or game changing. Just something where I can say “Yeah I helped make this and I’m proud of it.” It didn’t happen unfortunately. I just look at it with shame and disappointment. Something where I feel […]
What am I supposed to be? What am I? I think a lot. Today I was riding the bus back home and I saw a small toddler and his mom (I assume). All I can think was “Whatever you do, don’t grow up. Stay a kid as long as humanly possible. Whatever you do, stay small.” This is a pointless story, but it’s just something I thought about. I try to remember a time where things weren’t sad. Where I thought to myself, I’m not completely worthless. Sometimes I’m too scared to even more. […]
I’m so angry. I don’t even really think I can but it into words right now. All I know is, is that the project is fucked and that I hate the slimy fucking weasel. I hope he gets fucked over hard one day.
Just 2 more months and I’m done. Just 2 more. Need to get there. Of course it’s not just 2 more months. Then comes the next thing. Graduate school. I got rejected from OSU. In terms of my preference, it was #2 on my list. Really liked the programs and labs offered. Got accepted for RIT and University of Washington, my #3 and #4. Haven’t heard from my #1 yet, but if I couldn’t get into OSU, got no hope of getting into WPI. So it’s between RIT and University of Washington. Besides […]
I’m not good enough. I’m just not. Trying to get this thing to work won’t work. I’m just no good. I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared out of my mind. Lately, I just sleep. I sleep because I don’t want to deal with anything. I sleep because I want to run away. I’m no good. I’m just no good.
I can feel myself unraveling. Again and again. It’s always a sequence of unraveling, getting up, and re-raveling yourself. Over and over and over again. I don’t think I’m going to graduate. I don’t think I deserve to graduate. I don’t know what I am supposed to be. I have no passion or desire. All I do as sit down and complain. I think that’s why I try so hard to get close to her. To try and derive happiness from someone else instead of myself. That’s not how that’s supposed to work. I […]
I am very tired. I slept for a long time. But I’m still tired. Being asleep is nice, but now my anxieties are creeping in now too. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything. I’m so very alone. What am I even doing honestly? Where are we? Hate this so much. Hate everything.
I went to sleep somewhat calm about the situation and woke up anxious. It’s this constant back and forth of being calm and being anxious that’s starting to grind on me right now. I’m not sure if I’m grateful for those momentary moments of calm or resentful. Being anxious all the time would be awful, but having that calm ripped away from you to go back to the worry and fear feels also terrible. It’s like a man dying of thirst that is then periodically offered a tiny sip of water and no more. Was he better off continuing to […]
This is it. This is the hardest one yet. Last semester. Senior Project. Project Manager. New Job as a TA. It’s barely the second week and I feel like I’m limping already. I can feel the pressure in my head build up. Can’t find the right valve to turn to release it. Bit by bit by bit by bit I can feel it welling up. Right half of the brain. Don’t know how I’m going to make it. I knew it would come. I knew it would be painful and hard. […]
This week was a bit of a rough one. I just felt tired. I’m a bit scared to be honest. I think I’m developing another vice and that makes me scared. I don’t drink often, but I’m starting to really binge drink when I do. Part of myself wants get so drunk that I don’t even see straight. Another part of me is scared by this. The last time I really drank heavily was a little over a month ago, after I got done with the semester. Drank 5 cans of 9.5% abv. Threw up the […]
I broke down today. The first time in a while. It’s always in the privacy of my apartment. I have this odd tick that when it gets really bad I laugh. It always feels so forced and unreal, but it still happens. I am tired. I don’t know what I want.
Last semester. Need to finish my capstone project. Won’t graduate without it. Scared out of my mind. Don’t think it will amount to much. Need to contact my supervisor from my last internship. Need a signed letter to verify that I did it or I won’t graduate. Really it is my fault. I’ve gone back on trying not to contact her. I stopped no contact a while ago. Thing is she won’t respond. Maybe she saw my last post and got mad. Maybe it made her sad. Maybe she hates me. […]
It’s like an itch in my mind. Something that refuses to go away. It’s been little more than a week since I have decided to finally give up. To finally stop bothering her and just let her be. To stop torturing myself and hoping that she cares about me. She doesn’t need me. She has friends and other things going on. She doesn’t care. I repeat these things in my head over and over and over again, but it’s still itchy. Lately I just go to sleep if I have nothing to do. Then I […]
New Years I decided to do something different. Right now I’m back in my college town instead of back home because I needed to work on a school project before the semester started. So I’m by myself in my one bed room apartment. Instead of just drinking by myself as I would, I went out to a bar. Since it’s a college town, there’s a district in town that is essentially 15+ bars lumped together. I went, ordered a burger and a cocktail and left. I didn’t even stay until midnight. I reasoned that I could just feel […]
What would be considered an acceptable reason to kill one’s self. My life is not hard by any means. I was never abused or assaulted. I am in good health. My family is supportive in many ways. I do not go hungry nor am I homeless. I do not have many friends, but still have some. So at what point would it be considered acceptable to kill myself? I am lonely often. I am not satisfied in where my life is going career wise. I don’t feel like I’m anything. Where am I going? […]
I have no rea reason to be posting. I’m not in any sort of trouble or pain or anything like that. Not out of the usual that is. I just don’t have any motivation. I feel nothing. I want nothing. That’s not true. I do want happiness, I just am not sure what that means. I’ve gone through the paces over a thousand times in my head and I never feel like I go anywhere. I always feel like I’m going in circles. What do I want? Why do I want what I want? […]
I told a girl how I felt about her recently. She just said we were friends. I probably should have seen that coming. I’m not quite sure why I thought it would be anything other than that. I’m not sure why I’m writing this down. She knows that I’m on here. I doubt she ever comes around here anymore. I’ve said too many weird things. Sometimes I regret telling her. I’m not sure why I did it in the first place. It was impulsive telling her about this place. I just did it like […]
My family visted me for Thanksgiving. One thing that stuck out to me is a brief conversation on whether or not I waould get married some day. I shruged it off and said if it happens it happens. But this was one of the first times I saw my Mother worried about it. She said she wants ne to put myself out there and find a “companion”. Usually she never seemed bothered or interested in the fact I was alone. I played it off like I didn’t care, but obviously this is one of the things that keeps me […]
I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to want. I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t know why I should be alive. I am 22. I am going to University for engineering. I am working on my senior project. I’m not particularly good at it. I don’t really know what I’m doing. The only really good thing I know to do is get people who knows what they are doing. That’s honestly the only thing that I’m good at. Bullshitting. I don’t know where am I going. I am applying for […]