So yesterday was Thanksgiving here in the U.S. This last year (really the last 2 years) have been really bad for me, so I’m having a hard time feeling thankful/grateful about anything. Does anyone else on this site feel the same way? Also, how do any of you find things to be grateful for? I appreciate any and all suggestions.
It doesn’t matter if I kill myself tonight.
I’m destined for hell anyway.
I would just be trading hell on earth for hell in eternity
And I’ve no one to blame but myself
I had plenty of chances to do good
But I never gave a shit about anyone but myself
I feel very alone
I guess I’m not allowed to ask someone to join me in this journey on this site
I’m really tired of running from this thing.
I feel like I’m constantly in motion.
I feel like I’m all alone and no one understands.
But I guess I’m not.
A lot of us here deal with this monster – DESPAIR
It seeks to devour us.
I wish I knew why it picked on us and leaves others untouched?
Did we do something to deserve it?
Is there really something wrong in our brains like the doctors say?
And if that’s true then why?
And why can’t they fix it like any other disease?
Why don’t the meds work?
I don’t think they have a clue.
They can’t cure it.
The best they can do is put out each […]
I haven’t posted in awhile. Probably no one even noticed. If you did, I’m sorry for not posting. Stupid asshole me for actually thinking someone would care. I think when I last posted I was manic. Ended up in the hospital for that. Don’t believe them when they say they won’t put you in the hospital for cutting. I’m getting too old for this bullshit. So they change my meds and I end up with major depression. I wouldn’t even go to the docs except I want my Klonopin and Ambien. Also, I need them to certify me so I can keep getting my disability […]
Do you ever get the feeling that everyone is fucking with you?
You don’t know who to trust, or who to believe.
It’s even harder when you’re paranoid to begin with.
What are you supposed to do when everyone you’ve ever
known has ended up screwing you over?
I can only think of one person in my life who has never let me down.
That person would be my father.
But then again, when push comes to shove,
he always rises to the defense of my psychotic mother over me.
He says that it’s the way it has to be.
If mental illness really is a genetic thing,
then I got it from my mother
and I […]
I’m such a fucking idiot.
I’m tired of not being able to manage my moods.
I’m sick of the fact that I have zero social skills,
and can’t really “read” people.
I’m tired of pills that don’t really fix anything.
I’m tired of not having the balls to kill myself.
(I’ve come pretty close though)
I’m tired of doctor’s who think they can heal me.
(They can’t)
I’m tired of the voices I hear, which I’m convinced are demons.
I’m tired of people not believing they’re real.
I’m sick of the fact that they’ll never stop until I’m dead.
I still believe in God.
I still think I’m going to heaven (but not certain anymore)
I sometimes don’t think […]
I haven’t been coming to this site for long, but I see a lot of people posting that they’re about to kill themselves. And then they never post anything ever again. What am I supposed to think? Did they go through with it? Or was it all just a bunch of bullshit? I’m not naïve and I realize this is the internet, but it helps me in my own struggles when I know that others are still out there fighting their demons. Does this bother anyone else or is it just me? We really are all fighting this shit together, just different circumstances.
p.s. worthless_loser73 if […]
So anyway, the last year or so has really sucked. My wife made up lies to the police to get me arrested and got a protection order against me to get me removed from my house. Never spoke with her for the next year, except through our lawyers since she served me with divorce papers. Now that the protection order is expired she has been talking to me sweet as can be when I go over there to pick up our son. Of course the divorce is still going forward, it should be final any day now. She’s supposedly a Christian now and she says […]
Been down all day today and can’t really put my finger on why. Nothing special happened today, just really down all day. Should be in a good mood since I’m gonna see my son for his birthday tomorrow. When I feel this way, I always want to feel better NOW! I don’t want to wait and hope tomorrow’s better. I think of all the things that helped in the past like booze, drugs, cutting, but none of those things seem to help much anymore. They just get me in trouble, like I don’t need anymore DUI’s – the next one will be a felony. Fuck, […]
So I went to see my counselor today and it seemed like the biggest waste of time. I’ve always suspected this is her first job out of college. I thought I organized my thoughts pretty good with her, but she really had no insight to offer me. I’m not really ready to say she’s not a good fit because last time I saw her I thought things went pretty well. Anyone who’s been following my story knows I’m going through a divorce. I shared with the counselor that I was bewildered by my soon to be ex’s new found niceness and and she really had nothing to […]
So last week I went over to my soon to be ex-wife’s apartment to get my belongings. First time I talked to her in over a year. After trash talking me for the last year, to my surprise she was sweet as could be. And then to top things off, when I went over to pick up my son for a visit on Sunday, she came up to the car to give me a book (about God) she bought me.
She said she forgives me and only wants the best for me. She said she’s sorry things didn’t work out (which I thought was strange phrasing […]
Went to counselor today, had a really good session with this new counselor for the first time. Come home, Mom wants to know how the session went. Then Mom proceeded to say how the counselor doesn’t know anything. Mom somehow thinks she’s the expert and has all the answers on how to fix my life. Then later on I’m in another room of the house and I can hear her and my Dad bad-mouthing me. I’m glad they let me live here during this divorce process, but they FUCKING DRIVE ME CRAZY !!! Can anyone relate to this?
Okay, so this divorce thing has been dragging on for a year. It’s not what I wanted. Sure I could have been a better husband, but that doesn’t really matter now. Have a court appearance next week, hopefully that will resolve the thing once and for all. Visiting with our son tomorrow, I have to try really hard not to talk to him about her. But really the big thing is we’re not getting back together. So I’ve been laying around mostly feeling sorry for myself. I think it’s time to get up off my ass and start trying to build some sort of new […]
You think you’re miserable? You can’t even fathom my misery. You remember every bad thing I ever did to you. How quickly you forget. The things you said and did to me. You know, we could spare each other all this pain.
I know I can change, how about you? Can you spare me all your fucking lies! And all I ask is to talk to you again. But you don’t seem to want to. I wish I could take a walk with you. I would show you all my pain. You took everything I had from me. I can’t wait…to get away.
Will it help?
Probably not. […]
Saw my new counselor today, for I think the 3rd time. She’s nice and all, but I think naïve. Nothing she says really makes me feel any better. Next week she says we’re going to work on the grief I’m feeling over the breakup of my marriage. Sounds like a good plan to me, but I don’t really see myself getting over being dumped after 24 years of marriage. Taking new anti-depressant but its not helping. Visiting with my son tomorrow which is good, but in a way he just reminds me how much the ex hates me. The misery is just a constant now, […]
Just a quick question to the community at large. Taking anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers during the day. Take benzos and sedatives at night to calm myself and help me sleep. Thing is, I’m been getting progressively more and more depressed, especially during the day. Feel like shit during the day too, kind of like a hangover. I’m starting to wonder if the benzos/sedatives are making things worse, almost sorry I started taking them. Anyone have any thoughts about this? Can they add to the depression? Any comments will be much appreciated.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to make it short. My wife made some bullshit complaints about me 1 year ago and got a protection order against me. Well, the protection order ended today and I find myself still struggling with all that’s happened. I haven’t had any contact with her for the last year. I hear about her through our 17 year old son during visitation and thru my lawyer. I got served with divorce papers and the divorce is still winding its way thru the courts. That’s it – no “goodbye”, no “it’s over” or “we’re through.” We’ve been married 24 years […]