I have a problem. A reocurring problem. I get depressed, and then I lead women on to me so that they give me attention, and then I become obsessed with them, and then I know that I have to detach myself from them, because I’m not looking for a relationship, I just want to ease the pain of my life somehow. And then I end up, not just causing more pain to myself, but hurting someone else too. This time it’s especially bad though. Because this girl is 14 years old. I thought she was older, maybe 17, and I should have stopped leading her […]
I just finished my school year. Great! I should be happy, but instead I’m in complete panic mode because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with all of my sudden free time.
Look for a job? Write a book? Do gardening? I suppose they’re all valid, the only problem is that I have a terrible and constant upper back and neck pain. It would probably be fixed by something, but I don’t know what that something is.
Last week I attempted to occupy myself, and I just overworked myself and apart from that, I’ve been thinking about my past a lot recently because people […]
My heart and body are freezing.
I’ve tried to summon feelings of remorse but it feels like my chest is simply hollow. I have to go to school tomorrow too.
I have made mistakes. I have fallen, and I don’t really know how I will get up. I feel cold and empty. Literally, my legs are freezing. And my body feels hollow.
I silenced my conscience and forced myself to do it even though I don’t like it. And I don’t feel better. It’s late at night. I have a feeling that… I might have trouble sleeping.
I’ve acted irresponsibly. And I’m not sure this will make it […]
I am tired. I want to sleep. Tomorrow I need to wake up at 6 in the morning. Im a terrible human being. A lot of people love me. There’s a woman who I think I’m in love with. But, limerence…
What an awful thing. The moment that someone becomes important to me, I already start preparing for losing them. Because I associate love with loss?
Before leaving for my studies, I spent half an hour crying. Before that I played sad tunes on my guitar until my arm hurt. Now, before going to bed, I watched porn. Who am I?
The worst thing is that she makes […]
How long have I wanted to leave this world? Ever since I was a child. But I am here. I don’t know why. Everything is hard, and everything is meaningless. What’s the point of getting back up again every time?
I’ve been constantly tired and in pain for the past two or three months. I know it’s not going to end soon. What can I even do about it?
Go to bed early, eat enough food, build relationships with other people… I try to make other people happy, but I’m not happy. I said that would be enough for me, but it’s […]
https://youtu.be/BVt7mXJ8fJM?si=Kn-3V5ptqap7Tcpj
I told my therapist about this video one time. I haven’t gone to therapy in months, I feel a lot better. Today I thought about this video, and it appeared on my youtube feed. The title of this file in the game it’s from is “inconvenient body”. I used to think my body was inconvenient, but now I like my body. I am working to become stronger. My life has never been better than now. About a week ago I felt suicidal one time, but I went to confession and I felt a lot better. I am happy. The problems I had […]
I have become a very boring person. I don’t have fun anymore. I don’t know how to have fun. When I try to have fun it makes me feel empty. When I try to have a conversation with someone it becomes so dry. I have so many things to say, but the people I’ve been talking to don’t seem to really want to listen. Especially not that girl I met at the airport, I lost almost all my interest in her a few days ago, and now her one word replies don’t seem that appealing anymore. I still texted her today though. I tried to […]
Why, pray tell, do I always think that getting rid of all of the things that i enjoy in my life is going to significantly improve it somehow? All these fucking guys on youtube and social media man. AND NOT EVEN THAT!
I havent texted my friend for like a week because she ghosted me a few times now and I’m like okay. What’s the issue? But I can’t figure out how to ask her that.
And then there’s this other girl, who isn’t even good for me, that I for some reason still think about even though I tried to cut contact with her like 3 […]
My little brother and my dog. I love them. I want them to be healthy, and I don’t want them to be down, and I don’t want my little brother to spend so much time in front of a screen. He is only 9 years old. I am the one that has to take care of them. My father doesn’t, my mother does sometimes. She always cooks for us at least. I like it more when I have more responsibility. I want to drown in all the work and all the rituals and forget that I exist. All of the money in the world couldn’t […]
I haven’t been able to think straight for days now. Dreams seem like they are real and the real world seems fake. I’m really tired. I try to be nice to others and somehow it pushes them away. A 5 year old girl on the metro said I look really good today though 🙂
But it seems like a lot of adult women are repulsed by me, somehow. Even though I have more friends than I’ve ever had, and pretty good friends I think, I feel strange. Something about me just doesn’t feel right. The only girls that ever interest me in real life […]
I have done a lot of good things recently and today I got up at 6 in the morning and I had so much energy and I took the dogs out and I had breakfast and I made coffee for the whole family and I was doing a lot of things until the afternoon came and I felt depressed and now I have been lying in my bed for 2 hours I think. I barely feel hungry at all for the past two weeks and my right eye hurts all the time. I don’t enjoy anything at all. I only wanted to talk to a […]
I dont get it. I dont get it. Every single time. Its like two or three weeks. I have to get out of here. I dont want to be here. Or at home. Or anywhere. Why do I even feel like this. It’s like, I feel sad because I can’t settle down and get to know people, and then when I try to get to know someone, I feel like I have to get away from them after two weeks. I don’t understand myself. And now I am a totally different person. What will my family say when I’m back? What will I say? Will […]
Yesterday morning I met a girl on the bus and I talked to her. Then in the evening I cried because I thought I would never see her again.
I don’t understand why I’m so sentimental. My mood just goes up, down, up, down, and then flatlines. Like right now I just feel empty. There are so many things in my head that bother me. I feel like I am controlled mostly by fear. Like an animal. Fear of being alone. Fear of being judged. Fear of getting too close to someone. Fear of being depressed. And sometimes I even fear being happy. And forgetting.
I […]
I think I WILL BE FORCED TO. CUT THEM OFF.
old friends. I feel uncomfortable while I talk to them because they know me too well. So I want to break all contact with them and find new ones. I do this all the time. Every few months at least. I don’t know how I wouldn’t !
I cant pretend that I care about someone who never texts me first even though we’ve known each other for 6 months. Fuck off. I’m going to block her. I hate her. I never want to think about her again. idc idc idc idc […]
I’m so tired of everything in my life. I wish I could call someone and ask them about their day, but I don’t really have any friends to talk to. I don’t even feel like venting. If anyone feels like it, please tell me about something nice that happened to you recently.
My mind is so chaotic. I have no idea what’s going on. I hate it. Yesterday I was at a train station, and I looked at the tracks and I just wanted to go down there and walk until I got hit by a train. But I didnt. And when I was on the train I cried a little. While I was walking home, I felt sad because of how lonely I am and I thought that if literally anyone came up to me I would talk to them. Then someone came running in my direction to catch a bus and I just ignored them […]
Why does everywant want to have sex. My older brother. My younger brother. My parents. My neighbours. I hate sex. I don’t want to have sex. But no girls are interested in me apart from wanting to have sex. I don’t want it… I hate sex
I feel kind of drained. Last week I had a really strong impulse to hang myself. I was just sitting on my bed and my belt was there so I gripped it tightly and thought about it. For a minute or so. And a couple of days ago… or I don’t know. I don’t know when. Maybe yeaterday or more than two days ago. I was in my living room and I started crying because I thought that my life is really pointless and it’s just not worth it. In general I feel fine, I guess. But these things happen more and more often recently.
I’ve been trying to eat a certain number of calories for the past 3 weeks or so. Right now its 3 in the morning and I’ve been staying up until I am hungry again so I can reach my calorie goal.
I can’t help but think about when I was starving myself on purpose instead. This doesnt feel a lot better. At least I am almost going to be a healthy weight soon. It’s something.
I don’t like it. I can remember purposefully starving myself and sawing at my skin with a dull knife because I had to do it for some reason. I was convinced I […]
Every time I meet someone it makes me so happy. On Monday this week I helped someone carry a bag on the train station and last week I helped someone with directions. It made me very happy. I often smile when I see other people because they make me happy. I want to meet more people, I don’t want to be alone.
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