LeaveMeAlone.

It’s so ridiculous. I can be honest here because it doesn’t matter. I don’t even masturbate to porn I just look at it and then I cum without touching myself. It’s embarrassing.

When people reject me and judge me and hate me it makes me sexually aroused. When I’m humiliated… when I’m looked down upon. I don’t understand why it happens, but I know that it does.

So that’s that. Now that’s off of my chest. I didn’t even watch porn this time. I just read a text. And that was enough. Silly me. It would have been easy for me not to engage and just go […]

Is it okay if I share all these things? What is it like to be loved? What is it like to be alright and not just pretend to be alright even if you’re pretending without noticing? What is it like to be stable? What is it like to love someone? What is it like to feel like you’re not so alone?

Why does it never last? Why do the good times feel so short and the bad times feel so long? Why is intimacy so scary? Why do people make fun of me when I’m just being myself? Why is it funny?

Is it funny? […]

I always imagined that I wouldn’t live a very long life. My dream when I was a child was to be an alcoholic, because I thought they were honest.

I think that most of what I’ve known in my life is pain and sorrow. All the good things I’ve felt have been momentary. But pain and sadness have always been with me. It’s almost comforting because of how familiar it is…

I don’t particularly want to kill myself. In the gospel it says that those who endure until the end will be saved. Maybe I can be saved just by not forcing my own end? I hope […]

My heart and body are freezing.

I’ve tried to summon feelings of remorse but it feels like my chest is simply hollow. I have to go to school tomorrow too. 

I have made mistakes. I have fallen, and I don’t really know how I will get up. I feel cold and empty. Literally, my legs are freezing. And my body feels hollow.

I silenced my conscience and forced myself to do it even though I don’t like it. And I don’t feel better. It’s late at night. I have a feeling that… I might have trouble sleeping. 
I’ve acted irresponsibly. And I’m not sure this will make it […]

How long have I wanted to leave this world? Ever since I was a child. But I am here. I don’t know why. Everything is hard, and everything is meaningless. What’s the point of getting back up again every time?

I’ve been constantly tired and in pain for the past two or three months. I know it’s not going to end soon. What can I even do about it?

Go to bed early, eat enough food, build relationships with other people… I try to make other people happy, but I’m not happy. I said that would be enough for me, but it’s […]

I have become a very boring person. I don’t have fun anymore. I don’t know how to have fun. When I try to have fun it makes me feel empty. When I try to have a conversation with someone it becomes so dry. I have so many things to say, but the people I’ve been talking to don’t seem to really want to listen. Especially not that girl I met at the airport, I lost almost all my interest in her a few days ago, and now her one word replies don’t seem that appealing anymore. I still texted her today though. I tried to […]

Why, pray tell, do I always think that getting rid of all of the things that i enjoy in my life is going to significantly improve it somehow? All these fucking guys on youtube and social media man. AND NOT EVEN THAT!

I havent texted my friend for like a week because she ghosted me a few times now and I’m like okay. What’s the issue? But I can’t figure out how to ask her that. 

And then there’s this other girl, who isn’t even good for me, that I for some reason still think about even though I tried to cut contact with her like 3 […]

My little brother and my dog. I love them. I want them to be healthy, and I don’t want them to be down, and I don’t want my little brother to spend so much time in front of a screen. He is only 9 years old. I am the one that has to take care of them. My father doesn’t, my mother does sometimes. She always cooks for us at least. I like it more when I have more responsibility. I want to drown in all the work and all the rituals and forget that I exist. All of the money in the world couldn’t […]

I haven’t been able to think straight for days now. Dreams seem like they are real and the real world seems fake. I’m really tired. I try to be nice to others and somehow it pushes them away. A 5 year old girl on the metro said I look really good today though 🙂

But it seems like a lot of adult women are repulsed by me, somehow. Even though I have more friends than I’ve ever had, and pretty good friends I think, I feel strange. Something about me just doesn’t feel right. The only girls that ever interest me in real life […]

I have done a lot of good things recently and today I got up at 6 in the morning and I had so much energy and I took the dogs out and I had breakfast and I made coffee for the whole family and I was doing a lot of things until the afternoon came and I felt depressed and now I have been lying in my bed for 2 hours I think. I barely feel hungry at all for the past two weeks and my right eye hurts all the time. I don’t enjoy anything at all. I only wanted to talk to a […]

I dont get it. I dont get it. Every single time. Its like two or three weeks. I have to get out of here. I dont want to be here. Or at home. Or anywhere. Why do I even feel like this. It’s like, I feel sad because I can’t settle down and get to know people, and then when I try to get to know someone, I feel like I have to get away from them after two weeks. I don’t understand myself. And now I am a totally different person. What will my family say when I’m back? What will I say? Will […]

Yesterday morning I met a girl on the bus and I talked to her. Then in the evening I cried because I thought I would never see her again. 

I don’t understand why I’m so sentimental. My mood just goes up, down, up, down, and then flatlines. Like right now I just feel empty. There are so many things in my head that bother me. I feel like I am controlled mostly by fear. Like an animal. Fear of being alone. Fear of being judged. Fear of getting too close to someone. Fear of being depressed. And sometimes I even fear being happy. And forgetting. 
I […]

I think I WILL BE FORCED TO. CUT THEM OFF.

old friends. I feel uncomfortable while I talk to them because they know me too well. So I want to break all contact with them and find new ones. I do this all the time. Every few months at least. I don’t know how I wouldn’t !

I cant pretend that I care about someone who never texts me first even though we’ve known each other for 6 months. Fuck off. I’m going to block her. I hate her. I never want to think about her again. idc idc idc idc […]

I’m so tired of everything in my life. I wish I could call someone and ask them about their day, but I don’t really have any friends to talk to. I don’t even feel like venting. If anyone feels like it, please tell me about something nice that happened to you recently.