lonewolf23

I will be the complete opposite of my dad. I won’t have “accidents”. I will welcome the kids who are known as accidents. I will adopt these “accidents” and turn them into miracles for this world. But not yet because I’m not capable financially or emotionally yet. But someday i will when I’m more stronger and more than capable enough to do so. Besides, sex isn’t so amazing that i would risk it. Even if sex was all that great, I’d use protection because its selfish and unfair to create “accidents”. I don’t do one night stands because that kinda thing feels empty. I’m not […]

I feel awkward sometimes when old classmates see me these days. I’m not the same as i used to be back in the day, not one bit and so when they see me they give me a shocked look. Its sort of like a “wtf!?! happened to you?!” expression that they get. Some of them try to hide from me. And only a few that thought i was cool say hi to me but the ones that say hi to me are pleasantly shocked by how much I’ve changed. I even saw my old gf at work when she was buying groceries with her new […]

I feel like i have no problems in life right now besides a couple and so I’m happy often these days. Although one of the few things that bring me down sometimes is how my happiness seems to make others despise me. I work as a cashier at a grocery store and so its not the best job in the world but I am grateful to be employed so i make the most of it. I realize some of my co-workers want more than this and well i do too but i figure I’m right where I led myself to be. All of my past […]

It doesnt make me as sad as it used to but ever since i started working minimum wage jobs I’ve noticed certain employees start having problems with my happy and cheerful attitude at work. Its like they dislike happiness. I just dont get why they react so negativity about my happy vibes. I suppose they dont understand the value and great power of pursuing happiness. I get that things could be better and it’d be nice to get paid $40 an hour or even be a business man but things could be much worse too. And thats where perspective plays a big role in how […]

I find it hard to write neatly on a hard electronic screen. My hand writing is decent on paper with the use of a pencil or pen but electronic screens make it hard for me to write. My signature looks like a little kid wrote it. Those screens dont offer much friction between the inkless pen and itself so i end up sliding too far. The tips are sometimes really thick too so its hard to know where my writing is going to appear on the screen. And in some instances the writing takes a while to even appear after you’ve already made your strokes […]

So today i met with my dad at a fast food restaurant to fix an issue on my tax returns. He was mad at me because I messed up on them and I said i was independent when i was still living under his roof so now he got charged a big fee for my mistake. I hadn’t seen him in a while because me and him don’t get along so well. But i left because i got tired of living with him and i moved in with my mom. Ever since i was young I was always afraid of him. My earliest memories include […]

I dont know how to feel in front of my mom when she explains to me that she’s having surgery and that she may have cancer as well. I wanna say loving things to her that i know would make her tear up but i feel like thats the equivalent of saying my goodbyes before she possibly dies. I haven’t acted worried in front of her lately and its because i want her to know i believe everything will be alright. She will die someday just like everyone else on Earth but I don’t want it to be soon so I am acting like there’s […]

Emotional trauma is such a ***** when all you remember is the pain. I’ve recently sat down with my mom and learned some horrible truths to things i haven’t understood throughout most of my life. Although these truths are shocking, they allow me to finally understand myself and who I’ve became. These revelations allow me to fully process these memories for what they actually were.

I still remember seeing my oldest brother on the kitchen floor crying and frightened by my dad’s beatings. My dad would beat my brother in front of me and my other older brother every once in a while at night when […]

I just wanna run. I love running. Its one of the very few things that makes me happy. When im running i feel alive. I feel awesome when im running, especially when I start getting tired. Life seems like its worth it when im running. I really wanna run my fastest but I’m scared of doing so because I’m afraid I might make people uncomfortable. One time in high school i was at track practice and i was trying my best and everything and some kid made fun of me and called me a “try-hard”. Now that i think about it, i could’ve just replied […]

You know what?! I’m done listening to everyone who tells me I can’t do something. I want to live in a shipping container and everyone says it’s not possible. I know it’s possible to live in one successfully, people have done it before. Some have had horrible experiences with it, others are proud of their decision and still going strong to this day. Society tells me I can’t have a job living in a shipping container just cuz it ain’t a “house” with a number on the outside. But that’s BS, I’ve heard of people pulling it off successfully. And all these soccer moms, desk […]

I feel like I can’t handle 1 whole year of working customer service jobs. I wanted to work more physical jobs and even a job where all I had to do was drive but my dad says he doesn’t recommend those jobs. He says people get beat up at times when they’re taxi cabs. I understand that people do get into situations like that when working these jobs but I honestly already knew about that. I don’t care about that however. I’m 20yrs old already, so what if I want to drive a rig once i turn 21. I think it’s better than dealing with […]

My days are starting to feel really short lately. What’s the deal? Am I going crazy? I feel like I’ve just skipped a whole month. I can’t remember what day it is everyday. Am I getting dementia at the age of 20yrs? Surely that can’t be the reason why my days suddenly feel shorter….is it part of getting older? Sometimes I wish 1 day = 48hours.

(WARNING) Don’t attempt to befriend me cuz I’ll just cut off the friendship before it even becomes a real one ….I’m too afraid of friendship. I can’t trust you. Everyone I let in only hurts me. They aren’t real friends, they just want my money and my booze. I have had so many fake friends now that I can’t believe a real friend actually exists. Its not possible. Surely god has forbidden me to know what friendship is. He has made me trash so that I would only appeal to trash friends.

I can’t stand it when my coworkers at simple jobs like grocery stores, fast food, etc get in a pissy mood just cuz I ain’t trying to be the best cashier or best pizza maker. They can overdo their jobs all they want but they get pissed off if I’m not lightning fast like them or if I don’t show up to one of their meetings. I know I can go faster and show up to their simple 20 minute pizza meetings but I don’t care about making pizzas. I know I’m capable of more than simply making a pizza or bagging somebodies groceries. The […]

Of course we mustn’t live in the past. And of course its unhealthy to regret a lot of things but my past is what haunts me the most. Some people like how their life turned out even through all the ups and downs but no matter how hard I try to get over my past the more pain I remember and so I feel it in the present. I especially remember the moments where I could’ve and should’ve done things differently. I might’ve not been so messed up if I had just avoided certain situations that appeared safe but really turned out to be quite […]

I’m sicken tired of worrying what other people think of me. It honestly hasn’t been that bad lately but today I had really bad anxiety. I know I’m healing but I really get upset when I allow my mind to play tricks on me like this. I know nobody actually gives a fuck about what I’m doing but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to silence that negative voice in my head. This inner negative voice manipulates the way I see things. I start feeling like people are out to get me or make fun of me. Sometimes I get scared when […]

All my life I have had an attraction for the opposite gender but I don’t really care for sex that much. People make fun of me and make me feel like I should feel ashamed of myself because I’ve never had sex and I’m 20yrs old. I’ve liked other girls back in high school but everyone around me glorifies sex like its something everyone HAS to desire so dearly otherwise you’re a loser/alien/weirdo. The truth is I really only care for the inner connections. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic. I’m someone who believes in Love without sex. Sex is just an activity 2 […]

Its not that we never truly heal. But rather its that we become sick more than once throughout life. We come back here not because we are incapable of healing but rather because we’re capable of healing. Conflict is part of life but so is peace. Yet we have the ability to be as positive and strong as we allow ourselves to be even at our lowest points.

Some of us didn’t want to develop an asocial personality. In fact I’m pretty sure everyone with such personality trait didn’t want to develop it. It just so happens that there was once a time or sometimes multiple times where such personality felt safe. This safe zone eventually became our norm because of how safe it felt and also because we lacked trust in other people. The younger you are when you develop this behavior the harder it is to break free from it. It’s especially hard to break free from it because it feels like its perfectly fine to live this way. But its […]