lonewolf23

Emotional trauma is such a ***** when all you remember is the pain. I’ve recently sat down with my mom and learned some horrible truths to things i haven’t understood throughout most of my life. Although these truths are shocking, they allow me to finally understand myself and who I’ve became. These revelations allow me to fully process these memories for what they actually were.

I still remember seeing my oldest brother on the kitchen floor crying and frightened by my dad’s beatings. My dad would beat my brother in front of me and my other older brother every once in a while at night when […]

I just wanna run. I love running. Its one of the very few things that makes me happy. When im running i feel alive. I feel awesome when im running, especially when I start getting tired. Life seems like its worth it when im running. I really wanna run my fastest but I’m scared of doing so because I’m afraid I might make people uncomfortable. One time in high school i was at track practice and i was trying my best and everything and some kid made fun of me and called me a “try-hard”. Now that i think about it, i could’ve just replied […]

You know what?! I’m done listening to everyone who tells me I can’t do something. I want to live in a shipping container and everyone says it’s not possible. I know it’s possible to live in one successfully, people have done it before. Some have had horrible experiences with it, others are proud of their decision and still going strong to this day. Society tells me I can’t have a job living in a shipping container just cuz it ain’t a “house” with a number on the outside. But that’s BS, I’ve heard of people pulling it off successfully. And all these soccer moms, desk […]

I feel like I can’t handle 1 whole year of working customer service jobs. I wanted to work more physical jobs and even a job where all I had to do was drive but my dad says he doesn’t recommend those jobs. He says people get beat up at times when they’re taxi cabs. I understand that people do get into situations like that when working these jobs but I honestly already knew about that. I don’t care about that however. I’m 20yrs old already, so what if I want to drive a rig once i turn 21. I think it’s better than dealing with […]

My days are starting to feel really short lately. What’s the deal? Am I going crazy? I feel like I’ve just skipped a whole month. I can’t remember what day it is everyday. Am I getting dementia at the age of 20yrs? Surely that can’t be the reason why my days suddenly feel shorter….is it part of getting older? Sometimes I wish 1 day = 48hours.

(WARNING) Don’t attempt to befriend me cuz I’ll just cut off the friendship before it even becomes a real one ….I’m too afraid of friendship. I can’t trust you. Everyone I let in only hurts me. They aren’t real friends, they just want my money and my booze. I have had so many fake friends now that I can’t believe a real friend actually exists. Its not possible. Surely god has forbidden me to know what friendship is. He has made me trash so that I would only appeal to trash friends.

I can’t stand it when my coworkers at simple jobs like grocery stores, fast food, etc get in a pissy mood just cuz I ain’t trying to be the best cashier or best pizza maker. They can overdo their jobs all they want but they get pissed off if I’m not lightning fast like them or if I don’t show up to one of their meetings. I know I can go faster and show up to their simple 20 minute pizza meetings but I don’t care about making pizzas. I know I’m capable of more than simply making a pizza or bagging somebodies groceries. The […]

Of course we mustn’t live in the past. And of course its unhealthy to regret a lot of things but my past is what haunts me the most. Some people like how their life turned out even through all the ups and downs but no matter how hard I try to get over my past the more pain I remember and so I feel it in the present. I especially remember the moments where I could’ve and should’ve done things differently. I might’ve not been so messed up if I had just avoided certain situations that appeared safe but really turned out to be quite […]

I’m sicken tired of worrying what other people think of me. It honestly hasn’t been that bad lately but today I had really bad anxiety. I know I’m healing but I really get upset when I allow my mind to play tricks on me like this. I know nobody actually gives a fuck about what I’m doing but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to silence that negative voice in my head. This inner negative voice manipulates the way I see things. I start feeling like people are out to get me or make fun of me. Sometimes I get scared when […]

All my life I have had an attraction for the opposite gender but I don’t really care for sex that much. People make fun of me and make me feel like I should feel ashamed of myself because I’ve never had sex and I’m 20yrs old. I’ve liked other girls back in high school but everyone around me glorifies sex like its something everyone HAS to desire so dearly otherwise you’re a loser/alien/weirdo. The truth is I really only care for the inner connections. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic. I’m someone who believes in Love without sex. Sex is just an activity 2 […]

Its not that we never truly heal. But rather its that we become sick more than once throughout life. We come back here not because we are incapable of healing but rather because we’re capable of healing. Conflict is part of life but so is peace. Yet we have the ability to be as positive and strong as we allow ourselves to be even at our lowest points.

Some of us didn’t want to develop an asocial personality. In fact I’m pretty sure everyone with such personality trait didn’t want to develop it. It just so happens that there was once a time or sometimes multiple times where such personality felt safe. This safe zone eventually became our norm because of how safe it felt and also because we lacked trust in other people. The younger you are when you develop this behavior the harder it is to break free from it. It’s especially hard to break free from it because it feels like its perfectly fine to live this way. But its […]

It makes me sad that I can’t stand being around my own family often. I can’t stand their negativity. They’re never in a good mood. They say I’m just being super sensitive and maybe I am but anyone else would be able to feel their negative vibes. I run away from them often. Anytime I sense a negative situation unfolding I run away from them. I often just go on long drives to get away from it all but its expensive after a while. I believe each one of my family members have some deep insecurities that they don’t want to deal with so they […]

Not one is left. I don’t know where to go from here. My dad has unconsciously made this household anti-social. All my brothers refuse to talk with one another all because my father couldn’t let go of his anger. I’m the only one who has escaped his tight manipulative grip over my mind. He holds me and my brothers back from our true potential more than anyone else. In his anger he has made his sons afraid of him. This is the truth. I am afraid of my father. His anger towards me shakes my world unlike any earthquake. That is why I must leave […]

How do you think its gonna turn out? I’m in college right now but its a small community college. Is it worth trying? I don’t desperately need friends but it would be nice to have a real one for a change. I keep attracting fake friends who only want to drink and get high all day everyday. They don’t have any goals except getting faded and they exhaust my drive. My last “friend” manipulated me, and only got me in trouble whenever we hung out. I stopped hanging out with him.

I must admit that I enjoyed the experience. As weird as that sounds, it’s true. I felt like I was non-existent for a while before I awoke again. And I was okay with that. It was like a better version of sleep. I knew how non-existent I felt when I woke up. It’s strange but I remember the feeling or rather the inability to feel anything. Before I woke up i saw a bright white flash like a Nintendo being reset. When I woke up I was very cold and it felt like my whole body was numb. My muscular system wasn’t working very well. […]

wow….growing up in a foreign family in the US really can make you socially awkward. I shook hands with a new coworker today and he said “whoah!…lets try that again”. So I gave a firmer handshake the second time in which he replied “that’s better! ” I guess handshakes are a really big deal here in the US and probably anywhere else from what I’ve researched so if that’s the case then I will start giving firmer handshakes. I’ll show them that although I may be somewhat socially awkward, I can still sell furniture just as good as them if not better. This situation happened […]

My best friend just got mad at me for not hanging out with him today. He said he wanted to hang out at the mall.  I was planning on doing so but I ended up falling asleep due to the fact that we had been drinking last night until the early morning today. I was actually gonna go but I didn’t because I passed out on my bed and slept for 10-11 hours. During this time he had attempted to call me but I never heard my phone ring due to the fact that my earbuds were connected to my phone at the time so […]

I don’t know if “enjoy” is the right word to use. I kind of felt at peace but not really at the same time. I don’t know but a part of me kind of enjoyed fainting. It felt like I had died. And it felt like I was suddenly non existent. All the fears and anxieties were gone for what felt like a short second. I then saw a bright white flash like someone just hit reset on the Nintendo. I woke up on the floor in an awkward position. In those short waking moments  it felt like I was lost. I didn’t really know […]

I wonder why I keep hanging out with this friend of mine…he’s cool for the most part but he can be quite immature. He tries acting like a tough guy but it makes him look stupid when he overreacts to things that typically wouldn’t piss someone off that bad. He didn’t grow up with a dad so he exaggerates the manliness thing to a higher degree than necessary. He keeps getting in trouble for stupid s***. When he gets mad he starts breaking s*** and making a mess. I’ve personally never pissed him off cuz I’m really laid back. I get embarrassed to be seen […]