Author

Lsari

I feel that I exist in a different world to everyone else. My views and outlooks don't seem to match with anyone. Maybe when I finally die, I will realise that this whole mess was just as pointless as I have always suspected...

I got sacked

by Lsari 8/6/2016

written by Lsari

So I managed to get a job a few months ago but I lost it last month. They didn’t fire me directly but told me they won’t be extending my contract and even though I had over a month still left, they told me to hand in my security card and leave the building. That is pretty much getting fired. My 1st job ended in failure. I actually did a good job, I tried my best and even worked over time to make a better impression.

So how did I not get to keep the job? Well if you are reading this, then I assume you […]

8/6/2016 4 comments

A life changing experience

by Lsari 2/5/2016

written by Lsari

So it has been a while since I last made a post on this site. Some of you may know that I was in a severely fucked up state. I came very close to trying to kill myself again but being on the edge of the abyss allowed me to do something I wouldn’t of been able to do: Lie with all I had.

Some of you may be confused by my last statement, let me try elaborate. I had completed my degree in IT, majoring in Software Development, over a year ago but in my final year of uni I suffered a mental breakdown and barely […]

2/5/2016 7 comments

When you thought life couldn’t get any worse

by Lsari 9/16/2015

written by Lsari

It turns out it does.

How the hell do people find any will to do anything, I don’t understand. One guy told me to “wake up”, I understand what he was saying and I agree with him but I just can’t find anything inside me that has even an iota of positive will.

I can’t understand how people are able to go about their daily lives, am I the only one as fucked as I am? Of course not.

I’ve started doing an online course in programming, to try and regain that lost knowledge I had a year ago but I’m supposed to move out of the house by […]

9/16/2015 7 comments

Hey there

by Lsari 9/12/2015

written by Lsari

I’m a 23 year old guy. Finished My Uni degree last year. The last year of uni was rough to say the least. Went through a lot of cutting and now my left arm is a ruined mess, scars so big and ugly that there is no hope in hell of ever wearing short sleeves again.

I felt so defeated by the time I completed my degree that I didn’t go to my graduation ceremony and I only picked up my certificate 5 months later. I haven’t gotten any jobs since then, been unemployed for a whole year. My family ridicules and demeans me at every […]

9/12/2015 6 comments

The last straw for this weak camel

by Lsari 2/26/2015

written by Lsari

I have often read many a tragic tail when it comes to this sort of thing. Mine isn’t worth telling. I’m sure there are many others who could of made due with this life of mine. I however, could not. This is merely the result of a life time of inaction. I have always known that I would wind up killing myself, ever since I was 7, I wanted to die. Truth be told, I was really hoping I would of died by now, some sort of traffic incident, illness or even murder. I have been unfortunate to have lived so long.

I’ll be turning 23 on March the […]

2/26/2015 2 comments

A dead future

by Lsari 2/6/2015

written by Lsari

It is a strange thing to look back upon one’s past and find that all the hopeless despair that one had envisioned for one’s self, to be found true. Worse still, to be it greater.

My first memories were from when I was 7 years old. Ever since then I have regularly wanted to die. Without break or pause, that sentiment has held as true as the flesh on my body (as scared as it may be). I had long since, premonitioned my demise and I can’t help but feel abhorrent at its truth.

I can’t even begin to describe the shear loneliness and despair that has consumed me. It […]

2/6/2015 5 comments

Finished Uni and know nothing…What now????

by Lsari 1/20/2015

written by Lsari

So, I know many of us were not able to complete uni/college and some of us are busy in the middle of doing so. Well, I am from a different end of the spectrum and am in a position I never thought any one could be in…I finished my bachelors, in my final year I had a very severe mental break down yet still managed to pass (albeit at the bear minimum).

So whats the problem, you may be wondering? Well, you see…I don’t remember anything from my degree. I literally (I’m not making this up) know nothing. Might as well not have done it. Yep […]

1/20/2015 3 comments

I’ll Never Understand…

by Lsari 1/8/2015

written by Lsari

I will never comprehend how most people are able to continue on with their existence without an overwhelming feeling of despair. It truly baffles me how anyone can be happy, yet I so dramatically opposite.

I wish I could free myself of my existence but it’s so hard, it’s not as if I have any attachments to this world. It’s just so hard to stay motivated for anything, hell even my suicidal depression lacks any real conviction to see my dream through.

I hope a plane crashes on top of me, I’ll even settle for a flying cow…

1/8/2015 2 comments

Online Buddies in Despair

by Lsari 1/2/2015

written by Lsari

That is the new slogan I have come up with. It is equally meaningful and lacking in motivation, a suitable one for SP, if I do type so myself 🙂

To everyone who feels alone and abandoned: Know this! we are online buddies in despair!

Wow…that was worse than I imagined :'(

At least we are not alone, in the physical sense at least. As a famous person once said: “Tis better to suffer together, than to die alone”.

1/2/2015 3 comments

Anime’s that made you feel different (List-kun!!!) <=)

by Lsari 12/31/2014

written by Lsari

Hey SP’ers

I am a huge fan of anime and I wanted to post a brief list of anime that left a mark on me. I wish I could list everything but these are but a few of the classics I have enjoyed:

– Here and now then and there

– Texhnolyze

– Berserk

– Elfen Lied

– Kemono no Souja Erin

– The Twelve Kingdoms

– Shinsekai yori

– Escaflowne

– Blue Gender

– Seirei no Moribito

– Galaxy Express 999

– Argentosoma

– Rurouni Kenshin

– Evangelion

The list could go on and I’m sure I’ll kick myself later for forgetting my critical favorites :'(

Please share any anime you thought made you feel a change or effected you in an unexpected yet hopefully pleasant way 🙂

12/31/2014 15 comments

Dear Santa:

by Lsari 12/25/2014

written by Lsari

I have tried hard this year, please please, oh please, will you grant me my Christmas wish?

I want to be re-born into a world where I’m not valued as trash. Can I maybe be so bold as to ask for just one friend? No? It was worth the try…

I hope Santa grants your wish. I didn’t even get coal :'(

12/25/2014 4 comments

The Ignorance of ‘family’

by Lsari 12/22/2014

written by Lsari

The absolute gall of my family members is atrocious. They berate me for everything I do (of which I do very little since I try to mind my on bloody business).

I went through absolute mental hell this year for my final year at uni, for some effed up reason, I managed to pass (seriously have no idea how), so imagine my utter disbelief when I get my uni assessment marks in the post and find out I passed everything, I was on the verge of disbelief, sorrow, joy and all other kinds of bewilderment but overall was generally approving of the situation. My ass hat family […]

12/22/2014 2 comments

To all SP: How do you cope?

by Lsari 10/20/2014

written by Lsari

I know the word “cope” implies that there is a method in which we can deal with our problems but I am really just asking what is it that you use to help ease the pain of life with?

For me I suppose it would be Anime & Manga, music too of course. There really is no coping though, just small moments of reprieve…

10/20/2014 17 comments

The END

by Lsari 10/15/2014

written by Lsari

An infinite sadness that can no longer be felt. An endless sea of torment, hate and despair that can no longer be understood. I stand at my own precipice, looking into the endless abyss. I see nothing. I hear nothing. I feel nothing.

I taste blood. It drips, it pours, it spreads and dries.

All I wanted was your love but you gave me nothing but your hate. You told me I was your pain, you told me I was your misery, you told me I represent everything […]

10/15/2014 0 comment

It’s so blunt, I can’t help but laugh

by Lsari 10/14/2014

written by Lsari

It has been a while but I guess this was inevitable, I really tried to cut deeper but the knife was just so blunt. I just couldn’t feel the sadness that I know I should feel. I feel so empty and lifeless, this at least made me feel something. Just like last time, I started shallow and then gradually I will cut deeper and deeper.

People often mistake cutters for attention seekers and while it is true I am posting my picture in a public space, I also […]

10/14/2014 9 comments

A piece of my fragmented heart

by Lsari 10/6/2014

written by Lsari

Well, I am in my final year of my studies. I somehow managed to scrape through the first 3 years but I honestly I don’t know how. This is my 4th year and I have no clue what I have been doing. For 4 years I have not progressed at all. Apart from going to lectures, I spend all my time in my room watching anime, reading or playing games. I have suffered chronic depression for as long as I can remember as well as social anxiety. I hated school beyond words, the worst part about school was break time. I never had anyone to […]

10/6/2014 2 comments