Anyone else ever wish they were still severely suicidal so at least their life would seem to have some meaning? I’ve gotten therapy and help so dying no longer seems like something I’m always thinking about and always wanting. But now I’m just left with this feeling that I don’t really want anything. I always feel like I’m just taking up space without doing anything. But there’s nothing I’m working towards or wanting to do either. I’m just a living shell. I should be happy, but I’m not. More recently I was doing some research. I don’t know if something’s wrong with me or if […]
midnight1234
So I put a post on here about a month ago or so about a situation I’m in. School ending has not helped at all, but to anyone out there that wants to hear my story I’ll give a recap. An ex-friend, who I will call Callie, had been pulling away from me and I didn’t understand why. I wanted to understand why, so I asked. And she said everything was fine, as did everyone else. I didn’t understand though, so I kept pushing. It got worse and worse. I was talking to another friend, who I’m going to call Eli, and she took my […]
A few weeks ago I was having trouble socially. A person who I was friends with, who I’m just going to call Callie, had cut me off. I just wanted to know what had happened but it got to the point that, in hindsight, it had turned into almost harassment. A close friend of mine, who I’m going to call Eli, took my phone and got Callie’s number off of it. Then, without my knowledge and with me actually telling her the day before not to, texted Callie. The text was basically asking her to talk to me, but the final line was something along […]
You know that moment when you realize that someone you were so close with first becomes someone that you used to know, and then becomes someone that doesn’t want to know you. It starts like that, and then you finally realize that all of your friends and all the people you want to be friends with you met through them. And at that moment you start to realize that all of this was a mistake and they’re so much more important to all of them than you are. And you start to pull away and they start to wonder if you’re angry with them, which […]
Let me tell you a story
Of an ordinary girl
She was happy and went to school
In her ordinary world
But this is not the truth
And each night she took off her mask
Pushing away her pain
And revealed the scars of the past
Although you would expect a blade
To be what she would need
But she already had the blades
On her hands hidden under her sleeves
Sometimes there was blood
But never enough to bleed
And sometimes with a pencil
Using boredom to mislead
Maybe if she had reached out earlier
They would have seen her drown
But instead she […]
Let me tell you a story
I’ll tell it with a painting
With my “paint” from my arms
I promise it will be entertaining
Some tell it with a razor
Others with a flame
I prefer something smaller
Something to minimize the blame
Whether a pencil or pen
Or the nails on my hands
It creates the same picture
Red and painful bands
Whether you’ll understand
I neither know nor care
But this is my story
With all my scars laid bare
For many, it’s a fear.
For some, it’s a hope.
For a few, it’s salvation.
For all, it’s the end.
We all want to disappear at times. But sometimes I’ve noticed that the people I care about don’t really care about me. That if someone were talking shit about me they would either join in or stay silent. I tried to explain to them how I feel, and a few tried to understand. But for the most part they just kind of shut me out. So I decided to stop talking about it. But it’s hard not to talk about the things that control your life to the people you care about because they won’t understand and because they just put up with me. I’m […]
Is it just me, or does the urge to die feel stronger on the day that you were born? Like it would be some sort of poetic justice to die on the anniversary of the day you came into this world. If anything, it feels like my birthday should be the most average day as opposed to some special day. Why celebrate something that won’t matter once you’re gone. I don’t quite understand the logic no matter how I look at it.
My parents seem determined to do something special for my birthday. I know it’s more for than because my sister wants to make me a cake for herself, and my parents want to go camping and hiking because they enjoy doing those kinds of things. I, on the other hand, don’t want some stupid cake or to go out in the wild or anything. I just wish that they’d listen to what I want to do. I wish people would just forget about my birthday. They don’t seem to understand what being suicidal means. If I want to die, why on earth would I want […]
My greatest lies:
Im feeling better.
I wont do it again.
I like my life.
My deepest truths:
I still want to die.
I’m a self harmer
My mind is so so broken.
Do you ever feel like you don’t matter, or if you disappeared for a minute no one would notice. Imagine feeling like that all of the time. Because thats my life
I really wish people would just understand. Anxiety isn’t just worrying and depression isn’t just sadness. Anxiety is always feeling like you need to be ready for a threat, whether you fight or flee. Depression is believing that in that situation, you would lose. If fight you lose. If you run you get caught. Having both just makes you want to curl up into a corner and die
I tried to explain depression and suicidal ideation to a friend once. He didn’t understand. Maybe someone on here will.
Depression is like being in eternal darkness. You can’t see anything, but somehow you know there’s no one there.
Suicidal Ideation is the same idea. Only now there’s a golden window. It lights up the darkness and shows you other people being happy. You try to break through but there’s nothing to break through with and it’s too thick. You feel such anger towards yourself that you can’t be happy like them. Then, eventually, you turn around. The light from the window shows you what you suspected […]
I know that if I tried my friends would freak out on me or hate me as would my family. So instead I’m here. My life should be great. I’ve got money, people who care about me, and pretty much anything I want. And yet I’m still here and I still hate myself to death and want to die. And I fucking don’t know why. I don’t care that dyslexia and depression and anxiety run in my family because I never asked for any of it. And yet here I am still typing on this website wondering if there are other people out there like […]
The only thing that life has taught me is this. It isn’t worth it. I’m not worth it. The only reason that I’m still alive is because I’m afraid that there’s even one person out there who will care and be hurt. But I want to die because I’m hurting everyone around me. I’ve always been taught that a friend is someone who stands by others and helps them solve their problems without ever, ever putting their own on another person. There was a time when I actually thought maybe that isn’t true. Only now anyone I’ve even tried to talk to has just pushed […]
Hope
The angel that saves you from the unending darkness
Hope
The voice that makes you suffer by making you believe there is something better coming
Hope
The demon that pushes you into the darkness for hope of something better
Should stay here
Away from all the fears
Verdict of the land
Everything comes down to here
Might live might die
Everything is fine
Forever I will live
Really wanting to die
Over everything life has to offer
Mastering the art of hiding
Too afraid to leave
Have to stay
Everything is falling
Everything is alright
Might be okay
Please help me
Tainted life
Isn’t okay
Nothing is
Everything will be fine
Save me from myself
Stop me before it’s too late
I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for almost six years now, the whole time undiagnosed and I would hide it. I’ve tried to act normal but the whole time I was slowly falling apart piece by piece. I started self harming, although I’ve felt like for a long time it didn’t qualify as self harm because it wasn’t cutting. Now I know better, but it’s been a hard thing to deal with. I’ve had a lot of self hate and when I was younger I was mentally abused to the point that I thought I was useless and that everyone else would be better […]