Honestly, I haven’t logged on in forever. Then again I didn’t feel like I needed to. My life has been pretty good since the last time I posted…or maybe not since I’m back. I haven’t thought about suicide or self harm until recently, and even now I wish I wouldn’t. The thoughts have been in my mind for a few days now. Even if I am having a good day, the thought of running a razor blade over my skin still pops up. I’m scared to tell anyone about it. I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He is my reason to live. […]
Things have changed since I last posted. I had my first fender-bender, my boyfriend broke up with me same day, my cat almost dies, and I had to move back in with my parents. So where to begin? It was a normal day and I had to run some errands so I told him I loved him and went on my way. I proceeded to barely hit a parked car. The only damage was my broken headlight. I called him crying and freaking out. I got home where he proceeded to break up with me. Not to mention this was the day before Thanksgiving, I […]
First off, let me say I heard what people say to me about him. I know he is controlling. Unfortunately, it is not in my nature to follow my brain. My heart speaks loud and clear to me. I love him, more than anything in this world. I chose to stay with him. I have given myself up in the process. Deep down I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me, sometimes I don’t even think he knows that he does. My depression is a topic we don’t talk about. He has made it clear that it take more than love for this relationship to […]
I don’t even know where to start. Things aren’t as cheerful as i had hoped they would be by now. I love him, I really do, but I should have listened to that little voice in my head. He was everything I needed out of the blue and I just dissolved into this worthless mass. He is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, one minute he is loving and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but then he is full of rage. He slams doors, throws things, and threatens me. Nothing physical. We recently moved and he is the […]
I haven’t been on in a while nor have I written anything in quite sometime. I don’t know exactly why, but I just haven’t. My life has taken a turn and it seems to be a positive one for a chance. I fell in love despite my best efforts. It was quick. I knew as soon as I saw him and talked to him it was over. POW! Head-over-heels in love. He means everything to me, essentially he is my life. We moved in together and it seems to be working out. Honestly the biggest change in my life is that I am about 4 […]
I’m trying to stay grounded, to not let this silly thing get to me, but I can’t. Writing is the only thing that is keeping me from hurting myself and even then I struggle to find my words. Everyone keeps telling me the same thing, that this guy was a douche or some other name, but I want to know why such a nice guy would say the cruelest thing to me the morning after such an amazing day. I was blind sided I thought things were going well he was sweet and never rude to me until this morning. I want to know what […]
That’s what he said to me this morning when he broke up with me. We had been talking/dating for a few weeks and it was damn near perfect. I still had my moment but of course he didn’t know that. We had such a good night a nice long walk in the park a good meal and he took me to see the movie of my choice. We rented a room and we just hung out for the most part, but of course we did the deed. I was so happy and he seemed the same way, but when I woke up this morning I […]
The sad truth is that I deserve what has happened to me. I don’t want to be a victim anymore. My life has gotten better and worse since I originally joined SP April of last year. I’ve been in love and then lost it, I’ve made friends and lost them just as easily, and I have felt successful and happy for the first time and then lost it. I use the word lost as if I had any control over the situations, but I didn’t. All of those things were taken from me while I sat and watched. I surrendered before the fight even began. […]
I wanted to do it. I was convinced I was going to take my life. I was devastated. Things had been moving in a positive direction since I last posted, but I knew it was only an amount of time before things came crumbling down. I quit my job. I hadn’t planned on doing it the way I did, but I lost my mind. Things were so bad there, I quit because my managers wouldn’t do anything to help me. No matter how many times I asked for help with a co worker they let it slide and made it out like it was my […]
Honestly I’m wishing I didn’t have a reason to be on here… but I do. Im a 20 year old college graduate, but I can’t get a job in my field to save my life…. you’d think it wouldn’t be so hard. I work at a grocery store stocking shelves…. I didn’t go into debt for this. Not to mention these people make me question the ounce of sanity that I have left. I haven’t touched a blade to my skin in 9 months. That’s saying something. Of course I get my share of bruises and burns from work but its not the same. I […]
I’m not even sure why I’m on here again… my life is in no immediate danger, but who know how long that will last. Some good things have happened to me an honestly I can say I enjoyed it. I graduated from college and got my diploma. I took my boards and passed them. Overall, I was ok, or well as ok as someone like myself could be. At the same time I’ve been clean for almost 5 months now. I haven’t cut or burned myself no matter how badly I wanted to. With all good things come the bad. I had to move back […]
Things are funny sometimes. Its funny how someone can care (or pretend to care) for someone and then just disappear. The man that saved my life vanished when I needed him, but he made that choice. He chose to leave me alone in the darkness, when all I need was a helping hand. He left me there to die and I almost did. I’m trying so hard to stay alive, hell keeping myself from grabbing the blade is a chore sometime. All I want to do is rip into my thigh a couple good times. I graduate from college in 6 weeks, but that’s nothing. […]
He was taken away from me. In my last post I talked about a man that contacted me and saved my life. He is gone. Taken away from me when I need him the most. I don’t know what really happen all I know is that he is gone. I don’t even know what to do. I’ve been straight for awhile and now all i can do is stare at my blade. I’m trying so hard to keep going, but I don’t know if i can anymore. He’d want me to keep going. He’d want me to try right? I call his phone all the […]
I’ve had it rough, but not as rough as some others. It make me feel bad about telling my story….. things could always be worse. Maybe I am just after the attention. Well the last segment of my story is recent. On April Fool’s the girl from the last segment, made her move toward revenge, as if stealing my “friends” wasn’t enough. She and her new little group decided the best was to make me suffer was by creating a Craigslist account. They posted an ad stating I was a gay man looking for nudes and easy hook ups. They said I was easy, that […]
I realize that I got ahead of myself in the last post, left out some key points…. left out reasons why. At this point I sat down in class, this stuff I have not shared….I had enough of being a freak show for one day. I go to school with about 100 students…. I am the youngest there…. only a baby…. only 18. I moved away from my family to go to school. I wanted to be happy, I was free of the shadows and pressures that suffocated me day after day. I wasn’t happy, I never was. I didn’t know anyone, so I didn’t […]
Another long one.
Seems like a good time to continue on with my confession. I ended the last post after I was caught. I injured myself for four years before my mom saw….. but then again you see what you want to see. My sister an I were always held to a higher standard than most kids. If we got a B on anything we were grounded. A’s were all my mom cared about. Nothing else. She got on to us for every little thing, making it a contest between the two of us. That is the main reason my sister and I started fighting. After […]
This is kind of long….
The longer I sit here the more I think about not posting this, returning to my dark corner of existence, but posting will relieve some of this pressure… I hope. I don’t know why I chose now to share my story, but then again maybe I do. For my degree I have to take a mandatory counseling class, and to pass the class we were made to stand in front of the entire class and tell about how screwed up our lives had been. Loss. Heartbreak. Rape. Molestation. Abuse. Suicide. We heard it all. Having to go through my own personal […]