my ambition is shot,
and my focus on arranging things is also shot.
oh, im just loving it. i can’t wait to meet my end. nothing can be fixed anymore. it’s time for it to all go to shit. i’ve always wanted this. excited as hell to take it all down with me.
all of it is made up in my head and it’s barely ever positive. i only have work to look forward to. i want interesting friendships and relationships, i want creative fulfillment, and i want to be informed/be useful. this is all a start.
it hurts 🙂 at least i think it should. nobody pays any attention, and if they do, they call attention to the negative parts.Â
these are all regular feelings but nowadays you can only post the “depressing” stuff on sites like these. socializing is a chore fr.
nothing else to say.
day 1057 of asking myself who’s sentient and who’s not. why are some driven more by their emotions and why are some of us only mildly inconvenienced by them? what’s that trait called, if it’s a trait at all. in other words, i’m asking for someone to tell me the answer.
is anyone doing their holy duty? all i see are vices. i see people everywhere who are trying, but where are the saints? i know they exist. they don’t live around me. i only hear about them. i’m borderline one but i guess that would mean i am one of the triers. a very good […]
prioritizing our lives over others’ … what a concept.
i have some psychotic beliefs/magical thinking
talked to a woman on a hotline. mixed reaction. talked to brother. i was seriously considering suicide, but it’s all made up in my head. i’ve been telling others and myself various stories since i’ve been young, and no one spots the discrepancies because i’m smarter than them. but paradoxically, less common sense. acting against my own best interest. this looks like extraordinarily low empathy, but it’s more like empathy towards the wrong people, like to concerning degrees. i became various people i wanted to save, and what did i get in return? such shit responses. perhaps firm, but lacking. mental health everywhere is so […]
so i’ve been keyed into being an eccentric reclusive addictive for a while, i just took my first serious work questionnaire and remembered i can pick up social/financial skills if i so desire. previously considering it “beneath me” and not “authentic” but you know what? sometimes the truth is needed, and sometimes it isn’t. going to try to blend a little positivity into my jaded-ness. we share that only with close ones. i never learned how to put a mask on, time is now. will make life much easier, easier than trying to make every single person see me for me or themselves for themselves. […]
young person with ODD and emotionally/psychologically/physically abusive tendencies. that’s in the past, and i’d say no one around me had lasting effects, but i’m not entirely sure. perfectionistic tendencies when it comes to my environment and the people in it which makes others see me as stunted. need to get started on anything. anything to move forward. thinking about the arts and the social sciences, but may need to get a trade to be able to live on my own and let others not have to take care of me. don’t have any close relationships. obsessive. scared of getting into bad relationship dynamics/falling into unhealthy […]
tried to get started with my life at another location for six months. i mentioned my suicidal ideation and they just sent me to another inpatient, not allowing me to return. needless to say, im back from that inpatient and went back to live with family. i don’t really think this is a good fit for me, but i can’t keep stretching my limits here. hopefully i can make it thrugh this, however many yeaars it takes.. don’t really know if i can do it.
? do they point to something deeper or are they just there? what do you guys think
fuck my story. i just want to be a normal person. someone who helps out others. but i have so much contempt for them. so i’m not normal. i’m a little narcissistic. who cares? i don’t understand other people being narcissistic though as much. if anyone was made to be a narcissist, it’s ME. and the people around me aren’t much better. i just want to be around better people. would like to be appreciated too. FUCK THE PAST. gotta put in the work babeeyyyy. if only someone took a fucking interest! but i can’t use that as an excuse. i can’t… it’s all for […]
well, my life circumstances are really kicking me down. i gotta do something abt it. ppl don’t want me to drag them down with me.
update: life is a work in progress, imma bout to get started. would be super great if someone took an interest initially, but they will eventually!
we do not need anyone else’s acceptance. we also do not need to tell everybody everything.
SAVE YOURSELF *****!!!!!
(this is addressed to me)
all i got are daydreams. gave up so young. been to so many inpatirnts and they all tell me how much the ppl around me care. gotta pull my own weight here now. success is mandatory.
can’t really break the cycle i guess.
remembered a little bit more about what an old friend was actually like, yet there are still odd contradictions in their behavior.. it’s just like, i’ve been trying to predict it, and it’s been driving me crazy. other things too. i’ve been trying to figure out our lack of free will. what our individual psychologies are. been getting so much better. i needed to do this from when i was younger, not waste so much time trolling someone who wasn’t really thinking about a lot..or so i know. i only caused myself to go a bit mad. existential dread has been at the root of […]
and i can
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