Author

NotReallyHereAtAll

when you really want to end your life…

by NotReallyHereAtAll 11/18/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

…in that time, at that moment and in every time and every moment of the future, you truly believe you cannot and will not be able to cope, that it’s all too much and nothing will ever be right and it’s not like it’s ever going to end well anyway so why not just quit now? It makes so much sense to simply put an end to a life that is nothing but painful when it feels like it will never be anything else.

And the people who try to prevent the suicide of others will often say things like “what about your family/friends/loved ones?” and […]

11/18/2013 6 comments

The problem with no longer being numb

by NotReallyHereAtAll 9/4/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

is that feelings hurt. And although I know that it’s better to feel things than to be unbearably numb like I had been, I’ve cried so many times in the last 24 hours that I’m close to trying to shut everything out again. Â I just feel so raw right now, like the fights I’ve been fighting in my mind for the last few years have scarred me on the inside in ways I don’t fully understand yet.

It’s easier to be numb and dead but I choose to be raw and alive because I have never been one to make things easy for myself.

I need to […]

9/4/2013 0 comment

I’m the saddest I’ve been in weeks

by NotReallyHereAtAll 9/2/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

but I’m not suicidal sad.

For the first time since this whole shitty wanting to die thing began, I can honestly say that right now, despite the tears that have barely dried on my face, I have no inclination to kill myself. And that’s amazing.

I am sad at the moment, but I know that I am about to tidy my room and drink my cup of tea and dye my hair and have a bath and read a book and watch some TV and go to bed and that come tomorrow I will be okay. I am sad, but I know why I am sad (stressing […]

9/2/2013 4 comments

Alone and so lonely

by NotReallyHereAtAll 8/23/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

If I let anyone in close I just know that something will fall apart and I’ll be the one left behind trying to piece together the broken pieces of myself that have just been thrown back into my face. I have become the cold, detached one now, everyone’s not-quite friend, fun, sarcastic and vaguely interesting but never warm, inviting, or worth growing closer to. I am not the person you confess your deepest secrets to and I am not the one you go to for advice and I don’t really want to be (or do I?). I am hard to get hold of and impossible […]

8/23/2013 2 comments

One More Year

by NotReallyHereAtAll 8/18/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I have one more year left of school, that’s all I really have to get through.

I also have one more year left of the two years I gave myself to not kill myself for.

Over this past year I’ve become less suicidal, now I’m just more bitter and angry and filled with hatred. Just not so much with myself. I just hate my situation as it is now, I hate my friends more than anything.

I hate them.

One more year.

That’s all.

One more year of hating all of my friends and trying not to kill myself.

I don’t think many people understand what it’s like to hate all of […]

8/18/2013 3 comments

Can’t speak

by NotReallyHereAtAll 7/22/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

Sometimes I physically cannot talk, I build up words into something huge in my mind and I try to speak but just can’t at times. This usually happens when someone higher up in the social hierarchy of my school greets me, just a simple ‘hello’ pulls me into this panic and I try to reply and I open my mouth and I feel myself sweating and no sound comes out at all, even though the ‘hi’ is on the tip of my tongue and I know that it won’t matter in just a short while. It scares me because it’s rude not to smile and […]

7/22/2013 0 comment

Summer

by NotReallyHereAtAll 7/20/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I really fucking hate the summer because it’s just a reminder of how alone I am. I don’t like anything and I don’t like anybody and I would just like to disappear now because I hate the nothingness of everything. I really thought that volunteering at the library most days would put a dent in my boredom and anger and sadness as a result of that boredom, but two hours a day is just not long enough. I don’t like anything right now and everything I find to do always bored me after five minutes, I can think of literally nothing I want to do. […]

7/20/2013 1 comment

Crash Into Me

by NotReallyHereAtAll 7/12/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I just read ‘Crash Into Me’ by Albert Borris. It’s a teen novel about 4 teens who make a suicide pact and go on a roadtrip around the US. Whilst the ending was pretty predictable, I thought the author got so much of it so completely right, about how a lot of the time all you want is for the pain to stop and for people to actively want to keep you around, about how suicidal people can speak and sometimes even joke about destroying themselves pretty casually a lot of the time, about how it can be so hard to even care enough to […]

7/12/2013 1 comment

Writing As I Think

by NotReallyHereAtAll 7/9/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I cope with situations through humour, usually in the form of offensive jokes about that which is too painful to truly think about. As a result, I make a lot of suicide jokes, partly because doing so slightly lightens the heaviness of the past darkness that almost took me and partly because it’s a way to talk about it without really talking about it, you know? Sort of gets my past and sometimes also present thoughts out of my system sometimes, turning the thoughts into laughter with my closest sort-of friend, who also likes to joke about the worst things in the world. Laughing about […]

7/9/2013 1 comment

Lies

by NotReallyHereAtAll 6/20/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I’ve been lying to myself and to everyone else and in my posts on this site for the last few months without really even realising it.

It’s just that I keep telling myself and everyone else that I’m super happy and super confident, telling the small minority of people who knew how broken I was in 2012 that I’m far from that now. I tell myself I’m strong and I’m happy and that I can do anything, when I’m sad I tell myself it’s not permanent and that I have to snap out of it. I’ve shaped myself into an unfeeling ***** and now I have […]

6/20/2013 4 comments

Experience has lead to an illogical lack of empathy.

by NotReallyHereAtAll 6/11/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I know what it’s like to want nothing more than to disappear. I know what it’s like to constantly think about death. I know what it’s like to constantly think of how easy it would be just to leave this life for good. I know what it’s like to feel so numb and empty that the only way to feel anything at all is to drag a blade across your skin. I know what it’s like to switch off the lights at night only to have your mind filled with the dark thoughts you’ve been avoiding all day. I know what it’s like to avoid […]

6/11/2013 1 comment

My suicide story hopefully comes to an end…

by NotReallyHereAtAll 5/15/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

Once upon a time she was filled with hopes and dreams and ambitions and warmth and vulnerability and unashamed honesty. She cared and she tried and she tried her best to love everyone, always hoping that maybe one day the other children would see something in her that they didnâ€™t dislike. She was an outsider and that made her sad, but she never allowed herself to change, she stayed loyal to friends who, she later discovered and had secretly known all along, were the reason for her low social status. She knew and understood playground politics, but could never bring herself to worship the […]

5/15/2013 1 comment

Strange

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/27/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

The strangest and weirdest thing about recovery is comparing who you are now to who you were before. It is also one of the most amazing and yet bitter-sweet and almost heartbreaking things.

About a year ago, the suicidal thoughts fully took hold of me, they’d been there for a year or maybe more, but I’d been preoccupied with various other things and hadn’t really given the idea of taking my own life very much thought. But for whatever reason, last March I became completely filled with a desire to fall off the face of this earth. To begin with, it was a case of wanting […]

3/27/2013 2 comments

shattering

by NotReallyHereAtAll 3/4/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I accidentally slept for hours when I got home today and I didn’t wake up refreshed, I just woke up feeling numbly sad. Everything’s too quiet and this silence is too loud and I have no idea how to make it go away. My words aren’t working like they usually do and I can barely string a sentence together. It’s just that right now I’m too caught up in my loneliness and self loathing to think straight and I am scared and I want everything to end, so I’m just babbling on here until it maybe starts to go away. In Religious Studies today, my […]

3/4/2013 0 comment

looking after myself, please do the same.

by NotReallyHereAtAll 2/24/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

Itâ€™s after midnight and I just made myself a promise.
I promise to treat myself well. I promise to forgive myself and love myself and hold myself together when all I want to do is fall apart. I promise to support myself and believe in myself and remind myself that I can honestly do anything, provided I am prepared to work for it. I promise to convince myself that I am strong and that I am brave and that even though I make big mistakes, even though I sometimes fall down and end up at the beginning again, I will be okay and that I […]

2/24/2013 2 comments

Relapsing

by NotReallyHereAtAll 2/19/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I thought I was on my way to overcoming the sadness but it seems I was wrong. I feel so so so so alone and also unbelievably numb but somehow really sad all at the same time and I can’t really explain how bad I feel right now, just that it’s been a while since I was this low and that yesterday I cut over the almost completely healed scars on my thighs. I don’t even really know why I did it, I think I just like seeing the evidence, seeing that my inner pain can be converted and can mark me on the outside […]

2/19/2013 4 comments

Preventive Measures

by NotReallyHereAtAll 1/21/2013

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

In the last few months I have started getting better. I no longer fantasize about dying every moment of the day, I no longer consider jumping in front of a train whenever I am at a station, or of jumping off a multi storey car park, I no longer hope there’s a car crash that kills only me whenever I get in a car, and I no longer think about how many pills it would take, or how deep I’d have to cut. I don’t plan what I’d write in a suicide note, or think about how much happier everyone would be if I wasn’t […]

1/21/2013 2 comments

feeling

by NotReallyHereAtAll 11/28/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I have suddenly become so incredibly numb and exhausted. I want to scream and cry, but I just can’t. I just want to feel something real, I’m so tired of apathy and exhaustion.
In an attempt to feel something, I just started attacking my thigh with a small blade. I find it quite beautiful, the way to begin with there’s just a dent in the skin, but then it gradually rises before drops of blood begin to surface. My thigh is now covered in short cuts and I like the messy zigzagging. It’s the only way I can think to represent how I feel. I […]

11/28/2012 0 comment

cutting and wishing for yet fighting death

by NotReallyHereAtAll 11/3/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I want so badly to hurt myself right now. I want to tear at my skin first with my nails and then with a knife and I’ve never wanted it so Â badly before. I both want to and don’t want to at the same time. I want to attack the soft completely soft and smooth and unmarked skin on the underside of my forearm because it will be a work of art and I long to see the angry raised red skin that will appear after a long nail session, then the red that will bleed when I get my razor out… I want it […]

11/3/2012 2 comments

stabbing

by NotReallyHereAtAll 10/31/2012

written by NotReallyHereAtAll

I was just sitting comfortably in bed watching TV and in a strangely good mood and then suddenly it all went black inside my head and all I can think now is that I want to stab myself multiple times. It’s sort of scary, really, the way I go from balanced and happy to furious and violent in seconds. I thought this sadness was going away, but it turns out it hasn’t, I’ve simply been distracted by school and a supposed social life but I’ve spent the last week at home pretty much alone. I don’t want my happiness to depend on other people or […]

10/31/2012 1 comment

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