Apparently I’m just designating all the blame on myself and I am just regretting all my decisions in my life right now. I can’t do this. I can barely breath. Everything just ends up being my fault and I’m so tired of being here. I just don’t want to be here anymore.
I’m falling down so hard this week. I just keep spiraling. Every day starts out good then something just makes it bad. Running late to work, my hair not turning out, my boyfriend saying no when I wanted to make him cookies. Each one of those stupid silly things has made me crumble and fall so easily. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The smallest things have me falling and breaking. I’ve wanted to cut so bad this week but I just can’t. I want to let the pain out so bad but I know if I do and my boyfriend sees it […]
I know it won’t last. I know you are too good for me. You don’t understand what is happening in my brain and I don’t even understand it. You brush it off and I’m stuck here, a mess, just trying to make it through. I had to leave work early so I didn’t break down in the middle of my job today. It’s too much sometimes. Just way too fucking much and I need you and you aren’t giving me the response I need to push through it. Why do I love you so much?
This week, the past couple years, have been completely different than this year. Two years ago I made a mistake with a friend. Last year I was so incredibly happy for a weekend with that same friend. This year I think about that friend how much I didn’t realize they were shit and now I’m in a position where I’m really happy. But I can’t stop thinking about that friend and all that happened with them. I’m just not sure if I should be sad or not. I was forced to block and remove that friends contact info from my phone which was probably for […]
I have trouble letting myself be happy. I have everything going good for me right now. So what do I do? I try to ruin everything because I can’t bring myself to believe that I’m allowed to be happy and have good things. I’d rather wallow in pain than be happy
It’s stupid shit too. I get hurt over all the stupid shit. I can’t do this anymore. I want it to be next week already so I can leave you.
My brain turned sour tonight when I got jealous. And it wouldn’t go away. I learned I just don’t like the taste of moscato anymore. I also hide my razors in obvious places to myself even though I forget where I put them. But I broke a bit and used them and I forget how much they help me clear my brain oh my god. And then I was texting the one person in the world who I trust the most and just decided to be honest but vague and they were confused which I didn’t want them to know I cut myself and then […]
Never in my life have I’ve fallen in love with someone. And for some goddamn reason it finally happened. Two months from when I’m leaving for a better life. I finally achieved falling in love, I haven’t even told the person, and I’m leaving in 2 months for something that’ll make my life so much completely better than it is now. And I have to give up that love. I can’t do the long distance. I can’t let them hold onto me like that. No one deserves that from me. I’m trash, I don’t deserve to be in love. But I can’t give it up. […]
They don’t understand that everytime I get into a car I wish someone would hit me so it could be an accident. I walk alone to my car in hopes that someone will rob me at gunpoint and actually shoot me. I wish for every scenario that ends in my death. I know I can’t kill myself, I would hurt too many with that. But if it wasn’t my fault, it would hurt them less because an accident is easier for them to understand that it being purposeful.
I dont usually double post, heck, i barely post on here or it comes in spirts. But ive just had a shitty ass day. Like i thought it was going to be okay but it isnt. I have one friend somewhere dying of cancer and i wont even know when he dies because we are just internet friends and i dont have contact with him outside snapchat. Im slowly losing the person who used to be my best friend and today is their birthday and they wouldnt even respond to me telling them happy birthday. My one stupid and toxic constant that is just there […]
Finally had one of the people who had my full trust betrayed part of that trust. Like im really fucking pissed off right now. You do not have the fucking right to be so fucking naive about me to be that much of an idiot when i trust you with certain shit. And then when i tell you what you did wrong because you didnt even know what you did wrong you dont respond you dont own up you dont fucking apologize. Im so mad. Why the fuck would you do that to me
I was perfectly fine. I was doing okay. And. Then i just. I had to move back with my parents. And ive been here, one day. And here i am. I had a breakdown before i came back. And now im having another one because. I cant be here. This place, just fucks me up. It fucks me up so badly. And so quickly. I cant do this . This place is just so bad for me. But im stuck. For at least a few months. Theres no way for me not to be here anymore. I fucking stuck here and im just. Its going […]
It’s so easy to doubt yourself when you’ve been ina good place for a while. It’s so easy to have the simplest thing change something and to take it as “you’re doing a shitty job” and just fall back down. My manager switched around my shifts at work and for some reason it’s making regret literally everything I’ve ever said at work and make me think that I’m doing an incredibly shitty job at work and I don’t deserve to work there. Like I just want everything to stay the same. If I initiate change I can handle it. But the smallest change initiated by […]
You were there, in my life, and it hurt with you there, but then it didn’t, and I was happy. but then you dropped out of my life. and it was okay, it was for the best. And I was fine. Perfectly fine with you not being here. But I see things and people. Things and people who look like you, remind me of you. How you felt, how you tasted, how you made me feel. And I get sad. My heart is still hurting because of you. But I never realized it hurt until now. Why were you here. Why were you in my […]
In 2017 I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life that I’ll probably never forget. And I’m just sitting here like, I could ruin a persons happiness so easily right now. I helped my friend cheat on his girlfriend of 2 years at the time, now almost 3 years. And I was on Facebook and I saw a picture of them together, happy. And the first thing that came into my head when I saw that was “I could ruin this relationship. I could make that girl in the picture hate my guts and probably cause them issues that may make them break […]
I need a constant reminder not to do stupid stuff. Last night was the anniversary of the day I lost my virginity to this one guy. Over the past year of that and the previous 10months before that of knowing him, there was a lot of shit between us. We never ended up in a normal regular relationship even though there was a point we could have had that. Anyways every so often he gets stuck in my head and I can’t get him out and it hurts a lot. Yesterday I knew at one point that would happen, and it did. So I drove […]
I forgot how much it hurts to talk to your mistakes. To have a normal conversation but underneath it all to realize what happened can never be spoken of. It hurts. To pretend to forget what happened. But it’s for the best. But it hurts and I just need him gone so it stops hurting.
So many problems and issues wouldn’t exist today if I had just gone through with it two years ago and that one person didn’t show me they fucking cared. The world would’ve been much better off.
There is one person who probably hurt me the most in the last year and he is the person I miss the most. I cut him out of my life then he got back in it and when I was smart enough to get him back out, I regretted it insanely and I miss him so much sometimes it hurts so bad. Why did I push him back out? Why didn’t I just keep him here for a little bit longer?
I hate you so much for what we did. I hate her for being out of town. I hate myself for not stopping it when my brain was screaming at me that this was a mistake. We were just suppose to be friends. We were just suppose to be there for each other when shit got hard. We were okay before it happened. We could hold hands without their being anymore meaning to it than support. But we can’t go back. We can’t change what happened. I have to lie to everyone about where I was when spent the night at your apartment. You have […]